Purple R.A.I.N.

EQ Pillar: Self-Management- A Technique for Managing Emotions

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called LIFE.

-Prince

**Listen to the embedded audio recording if you would like to meet my special guest and receive bonus content about the local Southern California State Birds. :) Also- this was recorded several times, and the version you are listening to does not capture a few sentences that I edited in before publishing. If you can read the letter too- you will get all the juicy deets.

Happy Tuesday friends,

Hats off to Prince for our opening quote today, and for the inspiration he gave me for this very newsletter.

Since before the inception of our DPP community, I have been working on self-care and absorbing bits of gold that I enjoy giving away. We all deserve to gather, to feel like we belong, and to feel supported on our journey through this thing called life. This healing connection, and opportunity for me to (hopefully) help educate or remind you how to accept yourself, is a driving force of inspiration for me. I love to show up here weekly and virtually huddle with everyone who reads this.

Recently, I withdrew from a dream grad school program. I learned a few days before classes started that the program was no longer going to be self-paced, and I would have been required to attend Zoom classes during my work hours. Not to mention the reading list for three classes required over 21 textbooks combined…

My friends and family were supportive of my decision to withdraw- it was devastating to let go of a dream that I worked hard to apply and interview for. The plus side is that I exercised self-awareness and did not take on the balancing act of participating in the program while working- as my former people-pleasing self would have commanded. I had to email the Department Chair with my withdraw notice. He spent an hour interviewing me, after reading my 8 page personal statement applying for the program last year. Typically, the idea of this kind of interaction would have scared me into saying nothing, and resulted in my volcanic emotional eruption upon hitting burnout.

I captured my own version of brave and expressed why I needed to withdraw. The DC (dept. chair) kindly accepted my explanation, and invited me to start with his upcoming semester. This signaled to me that he did not comprehend the WHY behind my need to withdraw. I had already explained to him and my student advisor that I was a full time employee, and did not have the ability to attend the mandatory classes in the middle of day, 3x/week. This was a red flag, as the program was based in psychology and consciousness and he seemed totally unconscious of my scheduling conflict concerns. The draw to the school I had selected was that all programs were designed to be (mostly) self-paced, and were created for working professionals. It just to happens that I chose the only program at the school that was not structured this way.

After my initial bitterness wore off (with help from my circle), I applied for an alternative grad program at a different school per the recommendation of my fairy god-sister. (You know who you are !!) I also decided to look into certifications that did not require my attendance during business hours. That’s where R.A.I.N. comes in! I can’t think of rain without associating it to Prince. I also have to mention Rainn Wilson- who’s birthday happens to be the day I am writing this. <3 I like to think that Rainn would enjoy listening to Purple Rain with us while we practice this method today, gathered- just as Prince would have called for.

Last week, I enrolled in a Mindfulness Coaching Certification course, and got a delivery of Mindful Affirmation cards from mindful.com. A synchronicity occurred with my learning of R.A.I.N in my course, and reading Tara Brach’s article on Mindful.com within 24 hours of each other. Originated by Michele McDonald in 1984, she and Tara (among others) teach the R.A.I.N. meditation method to help people address feelings of “insecurity and unworthiness”. This is exactly what I needed!! I practiced the R.A.I.N. method specifically around my grad school situation, and would like to encourage you to utilize it by my side.

What is R.A.I.N.?

This technique requires that you have become self-aware enough to identify an emotion as you feel it in real time. (Pillar 1 of EQ) Refresher on Self- Awareness found here.

The Four Steps of R.A.I.N. are:

1. Recognize

2. Allow or Accept

3. Investigate

4. Nurture for Non-Identification

Next time you start to notice an emotion surface- get curious and:

• Recognize - This is your lightbulb moment

When you are experiencing a shift in emotions ask yourself in that moment, “How Do I Feel?” We cannot expect ourselves to move through our feelings by ignoring them. Recognizing our emotional states is the first step to regulating. Are you feeling angry, or jealous? Are you feeling both? Identify and name these feelings as soon as you can. For my school situation, I had to recognize that by withdrawing I was feeling unworthy of higher education. The emotions associated were remorseful and humiliated. I don’t like telling people I am going to do something, and then not do it. Who does?

Weird Barbie the moment she RECOGNIZED she was weird.

• Allow or Accept (IMHO- THE HARDEST STEP)

We have a hard time when it comes to accepting our emotions- especially the ones we perceive as negative. Allowing yourself to feel the way you do in the moment does not have to mean that you like it, or enjoy the feeling. By allowing yourself to sit in this state, you give your body permission to be human. Trying to run away from our feelings may work in the short term, but as we talked about in Name It To Tame It, the emotions we suppress will find a way to POP back up. Shine a little spotlight on how you are feeling so that it does not fester inside. By accepting your emotional status you stay present in the moment. The present is where we are able to process and move through feelings.

I sat with my feelings of remorse and embarrassment. Feeling any level of shame is deeply painful and really hard to “accept”. I let myself cry and feel the loss of a dream I had been cultivating since last spring.

2Pac accurately representing all parents as we ACCEPT this reality.

• Investigate - Alrighty Detective, this is your time to shine

In this third step, it’s important to get curious about your feelings instead of judging them -or yourself! STAY AWARE of the voice within. Are you brutally attacking yourself with your inner chatter? Catch it in the moment and cut it out. When we investigate, we want to get a better understanding of WHY we feel the way we do. It can be helpful to ask yourself (internally or out loud if you have the safety to do so):

1. What is this feeling trying to TELL me?

2. Was there a trigger or event that made me feel this way?

3. Do I have the FULL picture about this situation?

4. What will happen if I act on this emotion?

I asked myself all of the above. My feelings were trying to tell me that I was still people-pleasing, even in my attempt to do what was right for me! Why was I feeling humiliated? Well, I told a lot of people that I was going to grad school. I was afraid that they would all think I was a fraud. Their perception of me was so deeply important, that I was moved to shame by doing what I knew was right for my life. If I acted on my remorse, I would be allowing the negative voice in my head to win.

Ace, INVESTIGATING in all the right places.

• Nurture for Non-Identification - How you feel right now is not who you truly are

This one is tricky. And, it doesn’t help that “non-identification” as the title for this last step is highly elusive. When I first heard the title I spiraled: Does this mean we are not supposed to identify with our feelings? DO WE HAVE AN IDENTITY?! WHO EVEN AM I??! Are they saying I am not a bad person if I am fuming angry? I had to read a few more articles and practice the YouTube meditation led by Tara Brach (click here to try it yourself) to finally understand the assignment:

By “non-identifying” you are accepting that you are not your feelings. Emotions will move through us and change like the tides for the rest of our human existence. We are not the emotion of “happiness”, or “anger”, “fearful” or “sadness”. Having the wisdom to notice how you feel and understand that this is a temporary state is what it means to nurture yourself to non-identify. Next time you are feeling angry, instead of punching the wall (or performing another action that would be frowned upon), notice that anger.

I practiced the act of catching my inner voice in the moment of feeling intense emotions. Instead of being angry at myself for feeling angry (a classic pattern I typically fall into) I noticed that my inner voice was being cruel. I stopped to feel proud that I had became aware of it!

This is how we nurture ourselves out of identifying with our emotions. Our feelings do not define us. Maybe listing to some music, or the sound of purple RAIN will help bring you back to neutral? Practice this method in the heat of the moment. That’s how it will be of best use. Your feelings are not a reflection of who you are as a person. Read that last sentence again.

There we are, allowing our feelings to change like the tides.

So, there you have it. R.A.I.N. in four steps. Write them down in your Notes on your phone. Post them on the sticky note that I refuse to stop suggesting to you each week. (They work! You should see my desk!) The more we practice our self-awareness the easier it becomes to feel cozy in our own skin. The added bonus to self-acceptance is that when you work to excavate your inner demons, you simultaneously develop a deeper sense of compassion for everyone else. Don’t worry, you won’t morph into an extrovert (kidding- we love you extros)- but you will notice that you see others in a softer light. It’s no longer us VS them. Thanks to Prince, that’s why we are gathered here today.

Until next week dearly beloveds,

K.Alexandra

P.S. Let me know if you try the method, and how you liked it! If someone you know could benefit from today’s letter, please share DPP with them- it’s FREE!

Thank you so much for reading DPP! This newsletter is supported by subscribers like you. Please submit your self-care, or people-pleasing questions to me at: Kaylenalexandraali@gmail.com or click here.