Do People-Pleasers Even Have Values?

EQ Pillar: Self-Awareness, Discovering & Detangling Core Values

“Wisdom tends to grow in proportion to one’s awareness of one’s ignorance.”

-Anthony de Mello

We’re ringing in JULY, Dear People-Pleasers!

For those of you who’ve been here since the start- thank you, we’ve made it 8 months since the inception of DPP, I covet your support. For the newbies- HELLO and WELCOME!

Thanks so much to

Karen Smiley

,

Jennifer

,

Janet Ridsdale

,

Cat Webster

,

Devendra Singh

,

Collins

,

Geraldine Claudel

,

Rachel Anderson

,

Kathy Napoli

Singularly Sensitive

, Amanda (whom Substack will not allow me to tag for unknown reasons), and of course, the brilliant author of Raise Your SQ,

Annie Ridout

- for supporting DPP with a free subscription last week!! (If you happened to subscribe and do not see your name here- I am so sorry! I don’t typically see so many new sign ups- I appreciate you!! Message me anytime!) I hope to connect with each of you- and Annie- thank you for proving to me that manifestations DO INDEED work. I almost did not tag you out of my own people-pleasing insecurities- thinking it would be a bother. I caught my inner-monologue, course corrected-and now you kind of know who I am?!

READERS: LET THIS BE YOUR SIGN. YOU ARE NOT A BOTHER. TAKE UP SPACE! GIVE THOSE YOU ADMIRE THIER FLOWERS! It is not annoying. You are not annoying. Please don’t prove me wrong, now.

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Today’s message is about deciding if People-Pleasers have core values. It’s easy for us to agree with the values of our families, friends, colleagues and even societal values as pleasers, because this casts a net of safety. Pleasers do not enjoy disturbing the status quo. Which can often mean staying quiet when we do not agree, or, blindly aligning with an influential person or group for approval. Yikes.

**This is your weekly reminder as to why Emotional Intelligence will save your soul, is so critical in healing from our people-pleasing patterns.

By engaging in the first pillar of EQ, Self-Awareness, we start to discover more about our internal world. I wrote more extensively in EQ Explained that self awareness has TWO parts: Internal and External. It seems like people-pleasers have HIGH external self-awareness. We care what others think of us. We care how others experience us. We cater our behavior towards the needs and expectations of others.

Today’s letter is focusing on Internal Self-Awareness. I’m asking you to forget the world for a minute. Let’s figure out what actually matters to you- regardless of anyone’s opinion (DON’T WORRY THIS IS A TRIAL RUN AND YOUR SECRETS ARE SAFE WITH ME).

This is a safe space to explore and process. Nobody can judge you in your own mind, besides YOURSELF (which we will not be doing today).

PSA: People-Pleasers (and those in recovery) DO actually have core values, we just need to do a bit of archeologist-level-excavating to discover what matters most to us, aside from making sure everyone else’s needs have been met.

If you have never done a Core Value exercise before, boy do I have the links for you:

• Live Your Values Deck - I have this and use it often, 10/10 recommend.

• The Guided Emotional Intelligence Journal by K. Alexandra - Can’t miss a chance to shamefully self-promote ‘round here! (Complete with a Core Values Discovery Section)

• FREE Values Wheel Exercise from The New Happy - My friend K.A. (no- I’m not talking about myself, but I wouldn’t put it past me, either) introduced me to The New Happy last year and I haven’t looked back since! This is a FREE practice to help you hone in on what matters to you- check it out!

Values Wheel image source: The New Happy Co.

I wanted to share a bit about two of my Core Values. I once worked for a VP of Talent who advised that our team think of our values as North Stars- guiding principles upon which we make life’s most difficult, or pressing decisions. This struck a chord with me. I am sharing with you in hopes that you too, can select your CV’s based on how it would feel to make a decision in alignment with said north star.

Two of my TOP values are Belonging (feels a bit obvious for People-Pleasers but don’t stop reading here) and Independence. Does she hear herself?? These values contradict one another. Sweet, stupid, girl.

I had a bit of a panic when I realized that my deep need for independence felt like it cancelled out my other core value: belonging. How does one operate independently, while also fitting in?! How would I ever be able to use these north stars to make decisions, if my values can’t even see eye to eye??

Then I remembered a little letter I wrote about a book called, Braving The Wilderness by Brene Brown. This book is about belonging. And this book will blow your mind if you think that belonging = fitting in.

Allow me the honor of gifting you with a little sampler:

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are (pg 40)".

The tissues are being passed around, don’t be embarrassed for crying at this realization. I’m right there with you.

What Queen Brene is saying here, is that belonging, in its truest state, should NEVER feel like fitting in with the crowd. It’s not about folding yourself into the mold of what is expected of you. It’s the EXACT opposite. DO YOU READ ME, DEAR PEOPLE-PLEASERS?!

It’s okay to belong to yourself. To operate independent of the crowd, to live in a way that makes you feel…most you. That was a game changer for me.

While we are here, let me give you a little peek behind the curtain of my extremely private existence: My household consists of my husband, our child, and me. Husband is a devout revert to his childhood religion of Islam. Child is all but the age of three. And then there’s me: Not religious, but highly spiritual, introverted, independent, but highly integrated wife, mother, student & worker. At the end of every long day, I feel that I belong. I can fully be myself- both accepted and celebrated at home- while also pursuing my independent passions of reading, writing, and learning in my own little bubble.

So while I do understand most of us live by the outdated concept of belonging, I no longer cling to the need to fit in among “the crowd”. I also realize that my longing to be independent does not need to be deleted by my craving to also be appreciated by my people in a way that makes me know I belong. I can have my cake, and eat it too. Both values exist within my own existence.

Lastly- if nobody has ever told you before, your values can, and do, change. What resonates for you today, may not a few months or years from now. Don’t feel as though what you narrow your Top 5 Values down to right now, need to go on your tombstone. YOU get to decide when it’s time for a change. 🥰 (This emoji is courtesy

Megan Lee

who shared the globe + letter E trick on Macbook keyboard- TY Megs.)

This is where I will leave you, my best friends, who allow me to feel a deep sense of belonging on this platform- while also supporting my independent need to craft these letters to both myself and everyone else, on my own terms.

I would LOVE to know: What are your Core Values?

Sending North Star energy your way,

K. Alexandra

P.S. Do you have questions about People-Pleasing, or how to break the cycle? Submit questions Anonymously or join the community chat below.

P.P.S. Special shout out to

Mesa Fama

. I was having a tough day and reached out. She made me feel safe and SEEN. If you for some reason subscribe to me, and not her- fix that. Mesa connects with the world in the most emotionally intelligent way- she’s an Earth Angel. Thank you, Mesa- for holding my heart. ♥️