Cracking the Code: EQ Explained & Why People-Pleasers Need to Embrace It
The Four Pillars of Emotional Intelligence In One Place
Dear (recovering) People-Pleasers,
Welcome back!
I wanted to compile a place we can land that will cover all four pillars of EQ (emotional intelligence). I’ll also explain the importance of practicing the four pillars in ascending order. As people-pleasers, it is essential to understand how EQ can be leveraged as a tool to help us on the road to recovery.
Self-care is not sel-fish, read that again.
To be emotionally intelligent means that you are able to identify and manage your emotions, as well as being able to identify and empathize with the emotions of others. This practice, if approached with genuine curiosity, and authentic effort will revolutionize your world.
Practicing and LIVING an emotionally intelligent life can be both practical and spiritual…if you are open to the experience.
Why is it important to learn EQ in order?
To exercise EQ, you must know how to identify which pillar to practice.
To engage in relationship management successfully, you must be self-aware (the first pillar of EQ), and know how to regulate your emotions with self-management (the second pillar of EQ).
To teach others EQ, we must be able to discern which pillar that individual needs to be coached through. This means we need need to understand the layering of concepts from each pillar from the foundation up. *This is key in parenting, partnering, or leading others.
Starting with Self Awareness
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”
Aristotle
While it might seem counter-intuitive to learn about yourself in order to better connect with others, studies show that people who know themselves and are secure in their own skin hold the deepest connections and relationships.
As people-pleasers, getting to know ourselves is a BIG ask. While practicing self-awareness we are unable to place our efforts on any external factors, such as the people we care for, work-related tasks, or community events. Becoming self-aware is difficult - the hardest pillar out of the four in EQ to conquer - but it is the foundation of a better life - where you feel truly cared for. As a recovering people-pleaser myself, I often have to use the motivation of feeling a sense of true belonging to get through the mortifying process of peeling the layers back to my core. Self-acceptance and belonging are two sides of the same coin.
People-pleasers also are quick to judge the request of “becoming self-aware”. Are we not being narcissistic by focusing so deeply on our own existence? Life doesn’t revolve around ME. (Right?!) It’s true that life will continue on with or without us. The power we have, is over our reactions to the experiences that will happen to us- outside of our control. Digging deep, getting to know what means most to us (AKA our core values), as individuals- is the start to a much richer human existence. Understanding who we are is not a selfish act.
This linked Harvard Business Review article addresses the concept of two forms of self-awareness: Internal & External.
Internal Self-Awareness is our observation and understanding of our:
Thoughts
Feelings
Behaviors
Values
Aspirations
Impact on others
External Self-Awareness is:
Understanding how other people view us (for your consolation- this is how we mitigate narcissism.)
People who have a strong understanding of how others view them are more empathetic, and able to take other’s perspectives more easily than those who are unaware of their impact on those around them.
Tips on where to start with the journey to self-awareness can be found in my newsletter Why Are We Like This...& How To Start Healing, here.
The second pillar of EQ is: Self-Management
I am very happy because I have conquered myself, and not the world.
-Sri Chinmoy
Self-Management builds upon our foundation of self-awareness. Defined by godfather of EQ, Daniel Goleman, “self-management, or self-regulation is the ability to regulate one’s actions, thoughts, and feelings in flexible ways to get the desired results. Optimal self-regulation contributes to a sense of well-being, a sense of self-efficacy or confidence, and a sense of connectedness to others.”
We must first become self-aware enough to notice our actions, thoughts ,and feelings, in order to manage them.
Managing ourselves is a big undertaking. It depends on what exactly we are looking to conquer- and management styles differ from person to person.
A thread that ties all of us together when it comes to practicing the second pillar of EQ, is emotional literacy. By identifying what emotion we are experiencing in the moment (self-awareness), we can actively work to manage this wave of feelings, vs drowning in it.
I write about emotional literacy and the importance of labeling our feelings in Emotions: Name It To Tame It.
Self-regulation is important, because if we don’t manage our actions, thoughts, or feelings- it is highly likely that we will inadvertently hurt those in our orbit.
Typically, this is accidental- but due to our lack of self-awareness - and therefore self-management, we will make someone in our proximity suffer.
How does this happen?
We ignore our feelings when they surface because we feel like prioritizing something, or someone else. For a lot of people-pleasers, feeling un-safe expressing our authentic feelings out of fear of rejection became so ingrained in us that it is now routine to funnel all our attention away from ourselves. To unlearn and heal this behavior we need to take a moment to slow down, and practice regulating. This can help us to cultivate healthy lifestyles with harmony rather than discord.
Tips to self-regulate can be found in my newsletter called: Are You In The Club?
The third pillar of EQ is known as: Social Awareness
Stacking upon our foundation of self-awareness, and management, social awareness finally allows us to look outward and learn about others.
We all have our unique lens to view the world from. The good news is, our lens is not set in stone. As our inner world changes with efforts toward self-acceptance, our telescope looking out, softens too. You will find that the more acceptance you can muster towards yourself, the more compassion you will feel for humanity.
**Those who cast the harshest judgement upon others, are actually reflecting the self-hatred pent up within themselves. They are likely unaware of their inner dialogue, which translates to low EQ. This is probably not their fault. They may have grown in harsh, low EQ environments, where external validation meant more than internal regulation.
It is important when practicing social-awareness to notice these individuals, and view them with more, not less, compassion. They need it. They won’t give it to themselves.
Most of you dear readers know that I love reading, and sharing links to books that I feel are great resources to grow our EQ. Last year, I discovered an author, whose book has landed in my Top Five All-Time-Favorites. I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to share her words of wisdom with you. Today feels right. Please enjoy Dr. Farah Harris’ definition of social-awareness, from her book called, The Color of Emotional Intelligence: Elevating Our Self and Social Awareness To Address Inequities
“Social awareness is the ability to see the perspectives of another person, group, or community and apply that understanding to guide your interaction with them. It’s being able to identify verbal and non-verbal social cues. It’s also how we manage our emotions in social situations so that we respond appropriately. It’s within this domain that we see empathy at play. I like to say that this domain is the ability to read the room— and care.”
Join me in the Farah Harris fan club and buy her book to continue learning. It’s linked above. While you’re waiting for it to arrive, read up on three tips to practice social awareness in my newsletter, Stop Looking To Start Seeing.
The final pillar of EQ, is Relationship Management.
You made it! Progressing through the pillars of emotional intelligence is difficult, and graduating to the top of the pyramid is your reward. It is here, where you may revel in the rich and authentic depths of closeness.
Authors Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves, of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, explain Relationship Management as: “your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully. This ensures clear communication and effective handling of conflict. Relationship Management is also the bond you build with others over time. People who manage relationships well are able to see the benefit of connecting with many different people, even those they are not fond of. Solid relationships are something that should be sought and cherished.”
Achieving this level of genuine care for someone else requires awareness of what matters most to you. Bonding over shared interests is a great start to cultivating new relationships, which also requires you to have an understanding of what you like about life!
Managing your emotions when triggered (rather than taking it out those around you)
Empathizing with other’s perspectives
Cultivating responses that help to foster the bond of your relationships
These are the ingredients to successful relationship management. Sometimes this means being vulnerable (I know this is terrifying for people-pleasers). Having a tough conversation with a person you care for, who may have crossed a core value of yours is essential in maintaining healthy communication. People-pleasers typically shy away from having these kinds of interactions, because we fear the conflict, or again, potential rejection. Dr. Brene’ Brown writes about the life-saving power of being vulnerable, in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection. Head’s up: one of the gifts is vulnerability. By being brave by saying the terrifying things, you give the other party a chance to understand you better, and course-correct. This is what really deepens our bonds with others. Not everyone always knows how we tick. It takes effort for ourselves to even fully realize what we like and dislike. Open up. Try this with just one person in your circle. Use “I feel…” statements to explain yourself. Write me and let me know how your conversations went. My email is below.
Honesty, practiced between both people, results in relationships where we can show up as our truest selves. No masking for the sake of the other person, because we feel safe enough to let our guard down in their presence. Ideally, our life partners, children, siblings, family, and friendships have the ability to bloom with our practice in relationship management. Once you feel comfortable with relationship management in your inner circle, try it out with those in wider social circles. Who can you cultivate deeper trust with at work? On the PTA? Volunteering? Here on Substack?
Thank you so much for taking the time to learn about EQ with me.
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Digital hugs,
K. Alexandra
P.S. Do you struggle to find the time to practice self-care?
Every other Tuesday, DPP alternates to our advice column, Ask A (Recovering) People Pleaser. Here to hold your hand and share the secrets to self-care through emotional intelligence with you. What questions do you have about the Relationships in your life, Personal Development, or healing from people-pleasing by practicing self-care?
Submit to: Anonymous Google Forms or join the community chat below. We can’t wait to give you the biggest digital hug. <3
P.S.S. Enjoying DPP? Take your EQ to the streets and check out my Guided Emotional Intelligence Journal available today- click here.
The most important form of intelligence as to societal well being, the least discussed, and the never taught.
Hey K. Just so you know, I jumped here from Megan's Shame Sandwich note applauding you as inspiration for her gorgeous boudacious business cards!
Delighted reading your explanation of emotional intelligence! Well done. I wanted to listen, but was sitting with my hubby in front of the TV.
I look forward to listening, and I subscribed 😋