Book Talk: Braving The Wilderness

February reading recommendation to practice EQ

“At thirty-eight, things changed. I didn’t jump out of bed one morning and everything was perfect. I’ve always known I was a strong woman, but I wanted “fast-food joy”— quick, easy, joy. More tools and tricks.”

-Viola Davis

Have you heard the phrase, “Life has been Life-ing” before? Some of my coworkers use this term to explain when things have been stressful, or difficult. When they announce it on a team call, we all automatically bow our heads and nod, understanding exactly that feeling.

Well, Luvbugs, (incase you missed it- we have a community name now- catch up with us here) Life has been life-in’ away over here. The start to 2024 has been more abrasive than I was prepared for. Not a lot of restoration happening in our home. Our household has been in a season of pushing. Push through changes with work and school schedules. Push through daycare updates and pre-school visits. Push through fatigue because there really is no time. I found myself feeling like Viola. I wanted that “fast-food joy”.

No sitting around to sift through my feelings, figuring out what was a stressor, what was burnout, what was anger, or fear, or sadness. I didn’t have the energy to pick up that ball of tangled triggers, so I didn’t! Typically, when I try to ignore the signs of fatigue, my body puts me in check and I come down with a fun little episode of debilitating vertigo. Unable to walk due to extreme dizziness- or look at a computer-screen (my entire job revolves around my laptop)- this mandated time-out allows me the required time needed to “do the work”, sort my dark thoughts from light, and deal with emotions I may not have faced otherwise.

Luckily, instead of vertigo, I received a much better gift; my sister, Kassidy came to town. While I still worked throughout her visit- several things took place (as magical things do in the presence of our siblings):

• My sister observed my regular routine of a “work day” (I WFH, so she was able to be in the background of my schedule and tasks). She called out my fatigue. We talked about Zoom Fatigue a concept around remote employees experiencing burn-out after spending several hours on video calls. Something about looking at yourself in a square, talking to others, is more stressful than an in-person chat- or regular phone call.

• Outside of work, my fast-food route to joy is typically social media (hilarious, I know-it’s a downward spiral- or is it downward scroll?) I tell myself that I can “de-frag” by perusing all the sites- but we both know that this is typically not the solution to feeling healt. Kassidy called out that I was actually displaying the happiest when I was reading my books, or doing this…writing here. <3

• Being in her presence usually drives me closer to my moral compass and passions. This is true of each of my four siblings- they all have something unique about them that is really inspiring to me. I decided to bring structure back to my daily routine with one simple rule: Get up early. Read. Meditate. Write. We went to BookStar and I bought three books. (One day I will tell you about my book collection and what I feel is necessary to own vs rent from the library).

This is where Braving The Wilderness The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone comes in! This is the first of three books I bought to re-set my inner joy. Reading is not a fast-food route to joy. If you’re reading self-help or development books, there are applicable life-lessons that need to be implemented into our routines and practiced in order to go through the transformation intended in each books lesson. Here are four reasons why this book is essential, if you want to practice your development of emotional intelligence.

Reason #1: Dr. Brene’ Brown is the author. Need I say more? Okay, fine pull my leg- I’ll expand:

• BB is a PhD in her field as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Social workers thrive on EQ. While she doesn’t outright state that this book outlines several stories leveraging each of the four pillars of EQ, if you know what the pillars are (if you don’t please go review EQ Explained), you can see that each lesson in this book requires the practice of emotional intelligence.

• BB is an academic scholar. Yes- she has been canceled. Yes, people have issues with her. When you grow to the celebrity status she has, it’s impossible to please everyone (and recovering people-pleasers hear this: we should NOT be aiming to please everyone, remember?!) Brown’s work is mostly an accumulation of scientific data. Her own cultivated data of interviews and studies of people over the last three decades. She also includes the definitions (some of which she has crafted herself) and findings of her fellow scholars in her publications. I find it comforting to know that her teachings are not based on qualitative beliefs, but quantitative facts, derived from data collected, sorted, and discerned, by herself and research team.

• Emotional Intelligence requires self-awareness. Dr. Brown is today’s goddess of vulnerability. To be vulnerable, one must be self-aware. She’s speaking from a place of wisdom. Listen to her.

Reason #2: Life-lessons from Viola Davis in an Interview excerpt live here.

• I won’t give away the whole interview, but Brene’ connects one-on-one with Viola, and includes part of that conversation in this book. Davis spells out a few simple rules to live by- and we all need to add these to our post-it notes on the mirror ASAP:

  1. I am doing the best I can [*Side note: This takes self-awareness & honesty with yourself]

     

     Lenny the Blob

  2. I will allow myself to be seen (!!!!!)

     

     Skinsuit by: Amanda Oleander

  3. I apply the advice an acting coach gave me to all aspects of my life: Go further. Don’t be afraid. Put it all out there. Don’t leave anything on the floor. [*This requires self-management to push beyond your comfort zone and knowingly be brave]

     

  4. I will not be a mystery to my daughter. She will know me and I will share my stories with her—the stories of failure, shame, and accomplishment. She will know she’s not alone in that wilderness. [*This is a display of both social awareness- by looking out and recognizing the needs of her daughter, and relationship management, by coveting a closeness to her daughter by understanding one another through the power of storytelling]

     She closes the interview with:

     “This is who I am. This is where I’m from. This is my mess. This is what it means to belong to myself”

     

     Viola Davis for Vanity Fair July/August 2020

• Be like Viola, the first black actress to win the Triple Crown of acting- the Emmy, Tony & Oscar, and let yourself be seen. Emotional Intelligence requires that you are self-aware enough to know your heart. Likes & dislikes. Morals, values, character. It also requires that you let others see those pieces of you too! P.S. Davis wrote her own book- maybe check that out after finishing this one? It’s called, Finding Me by Viola Davis.

Reason #3: The creme’ de la creme’ of Relationship Management is hidden in the gem of this book. And I mean Relationship Management in every which way. This book is both self-help, and a memoir. Brown shares stories of her husband, Steve. She shares situations about her relationships with colleagues at work, with her children, and people in her community… any kind of relationship you can think of, Dr. Brown shares a story in this book about how to properly leverage the fourth pillar of EQ.

• What does the word Civility, mean to you? Don’t go run and google it. Stay right here with me. What does that word mean to you? Brene asks this question in the book. To me, it meant being quiet, allowing the other party to speak their peace, and at times, it has meant to “agree to disagree” AKA to dismiss. Here’s what the Institute for Civility in Government defines it as:

Civility is claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process. It is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one’s preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same. Civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements. It is political in the sense that it is a necessary pre-requisite for civic action. But it is political, too, in the sense that it is about negotiating interpersonal power such that everyone’s voice is heard, and nobody’s ignored.

Civility is about maintaining an open mind. It doesn’t mean you have to jump ship and join the bandwagon of other people’s beliefs- but try to step into the shoes of those opposing you. Stop assuming your ideas are always the right ideas. Be open to learning something new. This is the foundation of effective relationship management.

Lastly, Reason #4. This book is about belonging. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions as well as do the same for others. Without EQ, there can be no belonging.

• If you have ever felt left out, isolated, alone, or estranged- this book is for you.

• I’ve mentioned before in EQ Explained that it can seem strange to be directed to “get to know yourself” so that you can connect with others. Braving the Wilderness helps to explain more of the WHY behind this instruction. We cannot authentically belong anywhere if we do not know and accept ourselves for who we are, first. Others cannot embrace you (to the depth that true belonging allows) because they are unclear who you are… they need you to know you, so that they can too.

That’s all folks! I hope you enjoyed this behind the scenes of Braving the Wilderness- I linked the book above and I hope this newsletter inspires you to read it! Before we part ways, do you know anyone who could benefit from learning more about themselves, or how to interact with others? I would be so grateful if you shared this letter with them- it’s free!

Lenny the blob

Digital hugs until next week,
K. Alexandra

P.S. Every other Tuesday, DPP alternates to our advice column, Ask A (Recovering) People Pleaser. What questions do you have about the Relationships in your life, Personal Development, or healing from people-pleasing? Submit to: Anonymous Google Forms or join the community chat below.