Deconstructing My Patterns Pt 1.
The Socrates quote says it all
Welcome to DPP, a weekly newsletter about the real-life trials and tribulations of pleasing, and how I leverage emotional intelligence for proper recovery. Letters land on Tuesdays and sometimes surprise days, please consider me a first-class seat with your inbox?
📬 Want a Custom Card?
My deepest gratitude goes out to four incredible paid subscribers:
, , and my friend, Todd Hollander. I send physical snail-mail style cards to all paid subscribers as a tangible THANK YOU from the most vulnerable and validated part of me, to you! If you upgrade to paid- I will reach out to get your mailing address and I will send you a card! 💌The unexamined life is not worth living.
-Socrates
Observation #1: I have been dishonest.
Being a people-pleaser, sometimes I rush into answering a question to validate or console, or even try to charm my company. Don’t give them a second to feel alone, or judged, or worse- isolated in their opinion.
My personal values of love and belonging almost suffocate my ability to exercise boundaries or sanity…sometimes I find myself saying, or agreeing to some wild concepts!
I don’t give myself time to think for myself if I agree with you over the fact that peppermint ice cream is the “BEST ice cream EVER!!!”
The second I hear the joy in your tone talking about ice cream- I don’t care what flavor you love, or if it’s one I secretly despise. I love that you’re sharing joy with me. And I don’t take that for granted. I want to do whatever I can to make you feel safe in my presence, as though you have someone in your life who wants to witness your experience with compassion.
Now, this version of me - we could all agree- is not being totally honest. If I hate the peppermint ice cream, but I lied to you, or sort-of-lied to you by agreeing it’s the “best” without admitting I would rather eat concrete… is a pattern I am working to outgrow.
Looking back, my core values have not changed since I first discovered I could have personal values (that are entirely my own?! The freedom!! The Luxury!). When I was discovering these values the phrase “go to the roots of your pain, and there, find your purpose” really worked for me. The word purpose being interchangeable with values, of course. I didn’t pick Belonging as a value because it’s a buzzword. I discovered that Belonging is a value of mine after admitting to myself that I have always struggled to feel as though I do.
Being a millennial, I was not alone growing up with divorced parents- most of my friends had multiple families and households as well. I remember being told as a child that so many kids had divorced parents in our era, that it wasn’t really a big deal- it was something I shouldn’t dwell over. At my first HR job, I worked in an office where there were five of us in total. We all had divorced parents.
As I grew, and became closer with friends who had the bonus moms and dads, I realized that my situation did seem more unique than most in the reality that my parents divorced when I was a baby, and married their new partners by the time I was four/five. They started bringing life to my siblings in their new family units. I share one parent with each of my four siblings, but none of my siblings share BOTH parents with me. On both sides of my two families, my siblings have another sibling who shares both parents with them.
I found myself going between households alone, very worried about “fitting in”. Any Dr. Brené Brown fans here can tell yah that fitting in ≠ belonging.1
It’s not that I lacked love -I felt that. What hung in the air was the looming fact that I was never 100% DNA of either family. I existed between both. Belonging evaded me because of that.
As I have aged, my core value of “belonging”, meaning-not only feeling like I belong but making you feel so too- has only solidified. I really do care how you are feeling, and how you feel around me, in particular.
So, I want to continue to connect with others holding the same intentions of making you feel as though you belong exactly as you are- while ALSO starting to be more honest in how I show up.
How I envision this going: “Yes, I would be SO excited to grab some ice cream with you! I LOVE ICE CREAM TOO!! But, I will be getting a new flavor this time… because SURPRISE, I actually hate peppermint! Always have! I just love spending this time with you. It’s so important to me, and I didn’t know how else to tell you that besides eating the blasted peppermint ice cream…would you forgive me?”
The road to this new version of myself is long, and ever-winding.
I make mistakes. I regress. I blossom a bit. Then I contract again.
I find that the best way forward is only when I’ve hit rock bottom and realize, or remember, yet again, that I have fallen back into the pattern of dishonesty to please. I play back an interaction that happened already in my mind- could be an interaction at work, for example. After I hang up from a video call- I’ll notice an internal dissatisfaction with myself. After noticing, I ask questions without passing judgment. Instead of falling into self-loathing (that’s so a thing of the distant past known as this morning), I observe the pattern and ask myself how I got there.
If I notice that I did not act in alignment with my new core value of honesty, why? Did I get caught up in aiming to please? Did I feel threatened, or unsafe in any way? Why did I feel that need to be dishonest?
After I figure that part out, (the timeline on this varies per interaction and all I can tell you is that sometimes it’s TBD), I sprinkle myself with some compassion and remind myself of the NEW pattern I am trying to make second nature.
I still want there to be belonging, in every direction. But now I also want there to be honesty, on my part, too. Think of it like Disney+. This new core value was created in my era of igniting self-awareness. AKA: Belonging 2.0 or, Belonging+.
I arrived at Belonging+ as a North Star, guiding moral core value, simply by observing. And by simply, I mean really taking a deep, reflective look at all of my interactions- but this time- not only with the goal to please, but with the more honest goal to show up as myself AND STILL EXPERIENCE MUTUAL ADMIRATION (imagine!!!)
Here’s the TL;DR process I took to become self-aware of this pattern:
Interact with another person
Self-reflect
Notice how I feel about what just transpired. Was I honest? Did I feel the need to protect myself due to how the interaction was making me feel?
Ask myself: what was my true intention behind the interaction/action?
Admit: if I was dishonest out of instinct to please or protect.
Ask myself: how I feel about peppermint ice cream…
Admit: it was never for me.
Realize: that this new version of me still wants to make others feel special, loved, seen & all kinds of worthy of compassion- BUT- I also want to feel accepted and like I belong around you when I am being HONEST.
My old patterns have had a foundation rooted in both love and fear of not fitting in.
I would like for my NEW pattern to develop with more love, and less fear.
Is there a pattern that you have recently become aware of that you would like to outgrow or transform to meet the needs of your NEW Core Values?
From my ice cream scoop to yours,
K. Alexandra
*No peppermint ice cream was harmed (or consumed) in the making of this newsletter.
P.S. If you don’t know what your Core Values are, Dr. Brené Brown created an extensive list for free, here. You can always check out my guided journal as well, with a section dedicated to discovering your core values, right here.
P.P.S. I am offering a giveaway- open through February 14, 2025! Learn all about it at this post:
Dr. Brené Brown, a social scientist and author, says that fitting in is the act of changing yourself to be accepted, while belonging is the act of being yourself, and being accepted for it.
K., I really feel what you’re saying.
I’ve lived in the space of people-pleasing for most of my life, trying to keep the peace, make others feel heard, even if it meant sacrificing my own truth. Like you, I often found myself agreeing to things I didn’t really want, just to avoid confrontation or make someone feel comfortable.
And it wasn’t me driving—I was just a passenger, letting the fear of not being accepted take control.
For a long time, I couldn’t stop the pattern.
I saw it happening, knew I should stop, but couldn’t just flip a switch. I realized the embodied reaction was already running before my mind even caught up, keeping me stuck in a reactionary state. I’d want to say something, stand my ground, but that little fearful part of me was already running the show, before I even knew it—ready to avoid discomfort at any cost.
Eventually, I started digging deeper.
I realized the version of me driving the car wasn’t my true self. It was a corrupted version, acting out of deep fear, trying to avoid being hurt. It became clear I needed to meet this part of me, initiate a connection. I had to stop running from it and start listening to what it was trying to protect me from. Because it became clear. It was trying to protect itself.
Through that, I discovered a scared little child inside me.
She was terrified—shy, distrustful, always hiding away, unsure who to trust, and felt like she belonged nowhee. For the longest time, I didn’t even know she was there.
And once I did, I began the long process of giving her the attention, compassion and care she needed. It wasn’t easy. It was uncomfortable. and it was necessary.
I finally reached a point where I could hold space for her and began the process of integration. I'd met my inner child in those traumatic moments. I saw her, heard her, and gave her everything she hadn’t received as a child: validation, comfort, safety, compassion, and support.
And I found that by integrating my experiences, I disabled the automatic responses that had once controlled me. I wasn’t reacting anymore. I was choosing to show up in a way rooted more and more in my true self.
Through a lot of work, and help, yes, actually from you and the other Lovelets, I came to a place where I no longer reacted from fear and panic and the deep feeling of being an imposition and maybe even a disgrace and found the last part of my once unreachable inner self.
Now I am in the driver’s seat, living my truth. I’d done the work to integrate old wounds, and now I move through life with stability and trust in myself.
If you’re interested, I’d be happy to share more about how I got there, because I know how important it is to find that power within.
Keep trusting yourself, K. You’re already on the right path.
Love You. xoxo
Yessss. I feel this viscerally. So much beautiful wisdom emanating from your post. 🥹🥹🥹 Thank you so much for sharing your healing and growth, because it inspires the same in me. 🙏
Also, this line: "Instead of falling into self-loathing (that’s so a thing of the distant past known as this morning)" LOLOL. Ma'am the accuracyyyyyy. 😅