Ask A People Pleaser: When They Want Nothing To Do With You

EQ Pillar: Relationship Management - Advice Column Vol. 6

Hello to all you beautiful, recovering, people-pleasers here today.

I have missed meeting you through these letters, and I am grateful to have your attention & presence in this moment. I need your support today.

Full Disclosure: I am unqualified to answer this question.

Gravely unqualified. In fact, on April 23rd, 2024, when the question populated in the comments of one of my past newsletters, all I could bring myself to do was heart the message- no reply- because I really was stopped in my tracks.

I have utilized the past week to research this kind of question, filtered through answers, and meditated on what to say… and how to “fix it”. It hit me this morning that I need to practice what I preach about exercising true empathy. Not always, does there need to be a “fix”.

My answer for today’s question is not a band-aid, rather- an embrace. An “I see you, and I am sorry” kind of hug. My answer for today comes from the writers and poets who have known how to hold space for pain from long before we ever got here, and will carry that knowing long after we leave our temporary vehicles for life.

Question of the Day:

As a lifelong people pleaser (working on it), I am struggling right now the most I ever have in my life...and it's with my own kid. Said kid is a teenage girl, so that's obviously a big piece of the story. In addition to my pro people pleasing status, I also have two graduate degrees (one in counseling and one in communication) so I fully expected to be better at this than I am. It has been ROUGH, and she isn't really even doing anything "wrong" (aka it could be a lot worse). I just can't believe it has gotten to this point, when I used to have a sweet little girl who loved books and pretending...and me. I feel like every interaction I have with her is worsening our relationship, harming it really in the long run. I know Dr. Becky says "repair repair repair," but I don't even know how at this point. How do you repair when the other person wants nothing to do with you?

Sincerely,

LDR

Hi LDR,

I’ve been wanting to connect with you since I read your comment over on my Relationship Management Newsletter. I hope it is okay that I am sharing your comment here today. Your question may have been rhetorical - so I genuinely pray that you take no offense to this letter, or the (non) advice that comes from it.

I stated above that your dilemma is unfortunately above my pay-grade, and I am grossly under-qualified to try an assist with your question. There is something in me that aches, and resonates with the pain you are experiencing with your teenage daughter, even though my child is only three. One of my deepest fears is the disintegration of our relationship as he grows older. While I am amazed and inspired by your education and background- I don’t think that any formal training can ever truly prepare us for the mirrors that our children hold up to us as their parents. The things I *don’t know* always scream at me when I am around my son. I hope our DPP community members with teen, or adult children can chime in below, to present what they have done to effectively manage relationships with their adolescent children so that we can create a web of resources for the both of us- and anyone else in this boat!

While meditating on your situation, a few things came to mind:

• Lean in & Say YES

• Let It Be

  

On Leaning In:

As both a counselor, and a graduate in communication- I doubt this will ring as news to you- but I heard an interesting take (from a TV show!) that I thought I might share as a gentle reminder to ask yourself:
When your daughter does talk with you (I am assuming we are still on rough, but, speaking terms?)

1. What is she asking of you?

2. What is she saying, without really saying?

If her ask of you isn’t something that will cause harm to herself, or others, are you able to lean in, and just say YES?

Grant her what she is looking for? Validation goes such a long way. I really needed words of affirmation as a teenager- during my adolescent years was when our inner voices develop razor sharp teeth- validation from adults helped move me forward.

Having an outside voice of support and kindness could be healing - even if it’s over a matter you don’t agree on, or feel “thrilled” to support. (side note: when you practice showing up this way, you are exercising the pillar of emotional intelligence known as relationship management, where you notice how you truly feel, and go beyond yourself to manage your actions and words to react in a way that keeps the relationship intact.)

Image Source: Etsy.com

On Letting It Be:

The Beatles advise to Let It Be, and this lack of reaction is also, in a way, a reaction for our consideration. To not argue back, to not negotiate, or beg, or pry… simply to choose to allow “what is” to be, is a way to move through this chapter of life. To which I realize is 100% easier said, than done. Next time you are in the thick of it with Daughter, could you try giving yourself space, and intentionally decide to not react in that moment? See if after some quiet time you feel differently, or can re-visit the conversation perhaps?

I am currently reading The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. Have you read this, dear LDR? This book was published 101 years ago, but Gibran’s wisdom rings true for us here today. Let me share with you his writings On Children:

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you, but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward not tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archers sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

I’m starting a Substack book club - let’s read The Prophet together?

And, JDR, I’ll leave you with a final quote to meditate on that I know, I will also savor:

Action has meaning only in relationship and without understanding relationship, action on any level will only breed conflict. The understanding of relationship is infinitely more important than the search for any plan of action.

J. Krishnamurti

Thank you so much, for stopping by Dear People Pleasers- all of you. And mega appreciation and love to JDR, for initiating a conversation around relationships closest to our hearts.

I’d love your input:

I meant it when I asked earlier- if you are a reader with experience in raising teenage or adult children, and managing relationships through that difficult season of life- please do share your advice below, or any wins that you may have.

In the event that you do not have children, but wish that your families acted in a way that would have benefitted your relationship while growing up - please feel welcome to share those thoughts below, too. <3

Signing off as:

Unqualified but showing up anyway,

K. Alexandra

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P.S. Do you struggle to find the time to practice self-care?

Every other Tuesday, DPP alternates to our advice column, Ask A (Recovering) People Pleaser. Here to hold your hand and share the secrets to self-care through emotional intelligence with you. What questions do you have about the Relationships in your life, Personal Development, or healing from people-pleasing by practicing self-care?

Submit to: Anonymous Google Forms or join the community chat below. We can’t wait to give you the biggest digital hug. <3