The A,B,C's of Relationship Management
3 Essential Skills to Practice the Final Pillar of EQ
“We’ve got to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.”
-Archbishop Desmond Tutu
Heartfelt hello’s to you dear reader,
This week we will explore the fourth, and final pillar of emotional intelligence: Relationship Management.
Before sharing definitions or any further quotes, it’s important to me that I explain that by writing this newsletter (and you reading it), we will not immediately become experts at managing our relationships. It will take effort, time (the rest of our lives), and integration of the lessons we read into our daily routines. We must commit to practicing off the page if we want to see results.
Also important to note: There are more than three skills involved in relationship management. For the sake of accessibility to all readers, and as a starting point, I am choosing to share these three:
A is for Authenticity
B is for Building Bridges- Not Walls (if you thought I was going to say Boundaries- stay tuned)
C is for Communication
I’ll share the weekly links to resources at the end of this letter
Let’s start with Authenticity.
Being that we here are people-pleasers or givers, it can be easy to think, “I don’t need this advice. I am amazing at showing up for everyone I have a relationship with, and people love me for it.” You have a valid point when it comes to being there for others, but take a moment to pause and ask yourself (you don’t need to admit anything out loud), “Do I let others show up for me?” Do you let others in, or do you deflect back to their world to avoid the risk of vulnerability?
To be authentic means to be “of undisputed origin, genuine”.
We are not being disingenuous when we show up for others. Its a beautiful quality to have, when we care. Where we people-pleasers need to check ourselves, is when it comes to the two-way street of all relationships. If we only shine a light onto the experience of others, we find ourselves alone in the dark. We may have been taught or learned to never need anything, because that makes us most appealing to everyone around us- but it’s not a genuine reflection of who you are. This letter stands to remind you that living that way is harmful to ourselves.
There is a reason that Relationship Management is the final pillar of EQ- it requires skill in the first three pillars (Self-Awareness, Self- Management and Social Awareness) before we can show up authentically with those in our circles.
It’s okay to pause here and reflect back on your relationships- where do you hold back in your connections? When do you need help, but decide not to inconvenience others out of fear they will become upset, or dislike you for it? These are the moments we are out of alignment with our authenticity. As humans, it’s okay to have needs. Let’s try to remember that.
The B, in our ABC’s stands for Building Bridges.
When we start showing up with authenticity, we may know our needs in a relationship- but that doesn’t mean that anyone else magically does.
As a side note: we are speaking about ALL kinds of relationships we facilitate, not only romantic relationships which can sometimes be the mistaken translation for the term Relationship Management.
Building Bridges from ourselves to our loved ones, friends, colleagues, neighbors and even strangers- helps to foster our connection to each other.
Here’s how we can start building our bridges:
Become Aware of where this relationship fills our cup, and where there it drains it. (If the relationship only ever leaves you feeling drained, please consider moving away from it. Help can be found here.)
Be Transparent: As mentioned above, when we become self-aware of what we need from others- they won’t automatically know this. That means it falls to us to explain that we are growing as a person, and we’ve realized that it would bring us closer as ______, if we could practice ______. When we explain the WHY behind our ask, it helps others to understand us and it motivates them to deliver on it. Explaining ourselves or our feelings, helps to foster empathy, connection, and mutual respect. More on this research from Psychology Today
What about Boundaries?
When we hear the term “people-pleasers”, our go-to thoughts have been programed by social media to activate boundaries to maintain our sense of peace. To me, boundaries are the opposite of activating emotional intelligence. Before you delete me from your life let me explain my WHY: While drawing boundaries does require a sense of self-awareness (we know what we DO NOT like in a relationship), it does not take into account Social Awareness, or actual Relationship Management skills. It’s a brick wall sealing others out. I understand boundaries to be: Here are my stakes. Take it or leave it. There is no opportunity to connect with anyone on the receiving end because we are not allowing them to truly understand us. Without building that bridge to understanding, we kill any chance of connection, or empathy on the receiving end.
This is not to say that we need to go about our lives living as door-mats. I try not to live that way myself. What I hope to pique your curiosity about today is the idea of creating a “draw-bridge” between you and others. Give people a chance to meet you where you need them to. Explain why you are asking what you need of them. Yes, it takes effort and sometimes there will be questions- but those questions come from a place of our people wanting to better understand why and how we are different from themselves. If after exerting effort to explain the why behind your ask, you are still feeling unheard or misunderstood- this is when I would support pulling the rope to your draw bridge. Protect yourself in situations where your asks are not respected.
Finally (if you are still here), we come to the “C” of our essential Relationship Building skills.
C stands for Communication.
You may think that after all the explaining you’ve done when building your bridges, there would be no need for additional communication. As an introvert and often observer of the experience (rather than the experiencer of the experience), I get that this is a lot of effort. The reason additional communication is essential, is because:
You will need to give feedback to those around you. Positive, when you appreciate something about them, or their actions (this is easy to do as a people-pleaser), and the not-so-easy negative feedback. Here’s how:
Ask Permission first- when those in our lives need to make a change for whatever reason, it helps to let them know this by first asking “May I give you some feedback?” Even if they say no (this will be rare), they understand that you have information for them. And when they say yes, it becomes a bit easier to coach, mentor, or suggest how this person should change their ways because you cared enough to ASK them if they could receive your feedback before diving in with “HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO”.
Giving feedback is the essential next step after building your bridge and explaining how you have changed, and why we need to freshen up how we show up in each others lives. Simply because we have made a change does not mean that everyone else will experience transformation in their own life. Asking for changes can be really hard on the receivers end- feedback from you will help those around you understand if they are meeting your needs, or how to do that in a better way.
May I Give YOU feedback, dear reader? Thank you for being here! Thank you for wanting to develop your emotional intelligence and become a better version of yourself. It is inspiring to watch this community grow, and it is humbling to have some of you share my letters with your pals and participate in the comments with your own experiences on this path. Take a moment to think about your most cherished relationship- share this letter with that person and tell them WHY they mean so much to you. <3
Links as promised:
Books
Talking on Eggshells by Sam Horn (this is hands down my favorite relationship management book, and don’t be fooled by her name- Sam is a lady!)
A Tender Struggle by Krista Bremer (Incredible memoir my grandma introduced me to about a woman from California who marries a Muslim man from Libya. This book mirrors my life in many ways and is a great visual of how to love and understand those who are quite different from ourselves.)
Relationship Building Games
Build language together with Bananagrams
Where Should We Begin - Card game for Couples, Friends, & Coworkers
Now that we have covered all FOUR pillars of Emotional Intelligence- I would like to open the floor to you!
What questions do you have about EQ or People Pleasing?
Submit questions to me at: Kaylenalexandraali@gmail.com
…Or add your questions to the comments so that we ALL can support one another.
A bridge from my heart to yours,
K. Alexandra
Communication is something that we all do every single day one way or the other. What I found so helpful in this post is how to communicate in some of the not so easy situations. The ask permission concept is something I plan on doing in the very near future in my professional life. Thank you for shining a light on this valuable strategy to help me cross a bridge I didn’t want to step on.
As a lifelong people pleaser (working on it), I am struggling right now the most I ever have in my life...and it's with my own kid. Said kid is a teenage girl, so that's obviously a big piece of the story. In addition to my pro people pleasing status, I also have two graduate degrees (one in counseling and one in communication) so I fully expected to be better at this than I am. It has been ROUGH, and she isn't really even doing anything "wrong" (aka it could be a lot worse). I just can't believe it has gotten to this point, when I used to have a sweet little girl who loved books and pretending...and me. I feel like every interaction I have with her is worsening our relationship, harming it really in the long run. I know Dr. Becky says "repair repair repair," but I don't even know how at this point. How do you repair when the other person wants nothing to do with you?