Ask A People Pleaser: On Letting Everybody Down
EQ Pillar: Social Awareness, Advice Column Vol. 4
I’m not in the world to live up to your expectations, and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.
Bruce Lee
Hi Luvbuggies,
Today’s anonymous submission reflects the epitome of people-pleasing: other people’s expectations of us. It’s why we please, we care what everyone thinks. That’s okay! It’s normal. It’s human. Not caring at all points to narcissistic behavior- so it’s actually healthy to have a conscious about how we are impacting others. What we don’t want, is to let the expectations of everyone else, become the voice in our head that suffocates our feelings of joy, and living a life rooted in purpose.
Let’s get into it:
Dear K,
I’ve been seeing all the viral videos on IG and TT about people-pleasing and how we need to stop. In theory, establishing boundaries is great. When it comes time to actually do it, I can’t help but feel like I’m letting everyone down. It makes me feel like a total failure. What do you suggest for a total beginner?
Sincerely,
A Pristine-Pleaser
Hi Pristine,
Thank you for showing up here! Your question is a personal one, which also makes it such a universal one to relate to. I love when that happens. I want to talk about a couple of items in your submission:
The videos on social-media you are seeing about people-pleasing and how to stop
Boundaries and letting others down
Beginner status of recovery
Let’s start with the videos.
I have both Instagram, and TikTok too. Most of us do. I too, have seen the people-pleasing videos breaking down the origins of our patterns, explaining that being a chronic pleaser is the result of a stress or trauma in our past. We don’t feel safe enough to really be ourselves, it feels easier to “fit in” with the crowd, and fulfill the expectations of others. This is is how people-pleasers gain a sense of self-worth.
The problem with most (not all) of these videos, is that anyone one the street can share their pearls of “wisdom” on the internet (including me), and advice rooted in our mental and physical health really should be explored in the care of licensed, or highly experienced, professionals. I get that not everyone can afford therapy, and even if we can- that doesn’t mean that therapy will feel right. Not all therapists are able to live up to our expectations (the paradox of letting go of letting others down, while maintaining expectations of others from our side of the court). If we are using TikTok or IG as a substitute therapist- we may end up worse off than where we started.
What I am getting at is this: Not all the videos we see on social media are true, or correct, or coming from a place of wanting to help, rather than wanting to “go viral”. Sometimes our people-pleasing personalties are exploited as a means to an end. Be selective. Look for actual therapists who show up on these platforms- they usually will provide research-backed, or academic tips, and additional resources.
On a personal note: I have slowly been weening myself off the Tok and IG- replacing them with this app we’re on right now. The Substack community has proven to be genuine, kind, and incredibly informative. I subscribe to several real-life therapists here! Try spending a Sunday morning with us exploring other newsletters- there are many FREE publications for those on a budget (including this one <3) and see how it feels!
Next, we’ve got to address boundaries. I wrote about building Bridges instead of Boundaries in The A,B,C's of Relationship Management. For those of us in the beginning stages of recovery from all the pleasing, building a bridge (think of a draw-bridge- from your heart to theirs), is a simple start.
Try this: Next time you are asked to fulfill a request that you don’t feel thrilled about- realize it. This requires self-awareness. Realize in the moment how your body is reacting to the ask coming at you. Did you internally flinch? If yes, keep reading. If no- get that task done!
If you know that what is being asked of you is going to further drain your prana (life-force in sanskrit), you can let the asking party know that you need time to think about it, or check your schedule. This way, you’re not setting them up to expect your compliance- and you also buy yourself time to digest the ask before deciding if you want to participate or not.
When it comes time to share your decision (pro tip: do not wait until the last minute to do this. Bridges are burned this way), let the other party know that you won’t be able to join the dinner party, fold their laundry, or drop their elderly neighbor off at aerobics every Tuesday by 8am- and explain WHY.
This part of my advice is controversial. Some people don’t feel that you need to explain yourself. And…you don’t.
For me, and my advice for a beginner on the road to practicing self-care over pleasing others- explaining the WHY, is your draw-bridge. Giving context and explaining why something in your life, or schedule, takes precedence over an external request makes you more relatable.
If you spend an extra two seconds to explain that the reason you cannot take Mrs. Speed-O to her aerobics class by 8am is because you start work at 7am- your neighbor immediately understands this justification. You are not just blowing her off.
When you start to level up- and honestly explain that you cannot come to the dinner party simply because you don’t want to- this kind of explanation needs to be given gently. You can lean on both your self-awareness (pillar one of EQ), and your relationship management (pillar four of EQ) to explain yourself.
For example: I recently realized that I can manage about two social outings per week where I can show up, be fully present, and actually enjoy myself in the presence of others. Luckily, as a full time employee, and mother of a three-year-old, I am not asked to participate in much more than two events per week. When I am, I have the option of explaining that I am at my max for social events this week (this is exercising my social awareness), and then I can suggest a get-together for the following week, or near future (leveraging relationship management by not turning down an invitation without follow up).
After all this, there will still be people who make you feel badly. You Let Them Down. Shame-sandwhich has been served. It never feels good, or motivates from a place of truly needing the help. It pins us down, especially as people who live to build others up, often at the expense of our own peace. These are the relationships that we need to examine incredibly closely.
In the beginning stages of our recovery process, we need to surround ourselves with supportive people who understand, and practice self-care, too. Those who use shame, guilt, or negativity as motivation to get you to do what they want have learned from you that it is okay to treat you this way. This is where your boundaries show up as your MVPs.
If you stay aware of how your actions make you feel, you can practice compassion- without compliance of everybody’s demands. Let the askers down easy. Be empathetic to their reactions- hearing “no” from someone who’s never spoken it, will be a shock to our frequent shoppers. If they still try to pressure you, your boundaries will need to become more clear, and strong. This means if you say no (great job!!), you absolutely, under zero circumstances can change your mind out of pity, by saying yes. This will train that person that they can “crack” you, and they can harp until you break. They will always get their way, you will always feel empty. ***Listen to the Audio note for bonus content I added right here :)
Thank you so much, Pristine Pleaser for providing me this opportunity to remember the importance of self-care, staying self-aware, socially aware, and leveraging bridges as boundaries to practice healthy relationship management. I hope there are some nuggets here to help you set out down the road to recovery- please keep the questions coming!
Sending you extra prana,
K. Alexandra
P.S. Do you have questions about emotional intelligence? Every other Tuesday, DPP alternates to our advice column, Ask A (Recovering) People Pleaser. What questions do you have about the Relationships in your life, Personal Development, or healing from people-pleasing? Submit to: Anonymous Google Forms or join the community chat below.
P.P.S. My Guided Emotional Intelligence Journal - with a section on practicing boundaries is a great tool for beginners, click here to check it out. <3
Loved this one!!!! I too agree that you never have to give a reason for your no or your boundary but it does feel better as you start out learning how to do these things. Eventually, maybe, you can just say your no or state your boundary and move on. I am always always working on this one…
What I learned over time is that saying 'No' to someone, is not a rejection of them. It's saying 'Yes' to myself. The problem I often had to face is (despite my explanations, that were often used against me) that the one I said 'No' to already felt (unconsiously) rejected. So whatever I said or did, their reaction had nothing to do with me. They were already angry or saddened and didn't realized they were feeling this way. For me realizing this was already eye opening and mind changing.
It freed me from being responsible for their reaction and emotions. Because I am not, it's theirs.
It was still (and is) a 'job' to deal with the reactions and emotions, because when it's unconsciously projected it always comes with shaming and blaming the messenger.
So when someone doesn't want to hear your answer, you've done a great job, awakening the unconsciousness of someone else. Inviting them to become conscious living beings:)
The most difficult thing to do is always to figure out if I my 'No' is a reaction on a sadness or anger inside myself (or other emotion, there are plenty!), or if my 'No' was an honest one.