Ask A People Pleaser: How to Change Your Self-Talk

AKA: How to silence the voice in my mind- shut up already- please, god.

Hello & welcome back!

If your inner voice/gremlin/shadow/alter-ego is ruthless towards you, sit down and get comfy. If you’re already sitting, maybe go grab a snack. You’re in great company. No shame, let’s make this conversation as cozy as possible. I’d like to let you know RIGHT HERE: that our column today will be prickly. There may be some things you read (or hear if you are listening) that you don’t like. I’m not saying them to hurt you, I’m sharing them to help heal you. Stay with me, or skip out- i’ll be right here when you are ready.

Question of the Day:

hi. I have been reading about self-awareness, and subscribed to DPP in February. I have a book you recommended, The Untethered Soul, and I like the concept. My issue is not identifying my self-talk. I hear that evil voice loud and clear. What I don’t understand is how to change it. I have tried to think nicer things, but I can’t keep the nice voice going for very long. Can’t figure out why. Any ideas?

Sincerely,

Grouchy Gorl

Dear Grouch,

Come here, let’s wrap you in a big, virtual hug. This is a searing question, and it is SO relatable! Thank you for asking. As we become more self-aware, it gets easier to identify our inner monologues in the heat of a “self-loathing rant”. For most, our thoughts are the cruelest voices we hear, and nobody outside of our own mind knows ~truly~ just how much we can make ourselves suffer from the crippling resident of our skulls.

The Untethered Soul (linked above) is a fantastic resource for helping to jump-start our mindfulness. That said, I do agree that there’s much room left to demystify exactly HOW to transform our inner-critics- quiet them- soften them- change them.

Mindfulness practitioners will suggest that we first become an observer of our thoughts, by removing ourselves from the first person when we are thinking. To metaphorically take step back from the thoughts in your mind, and sit behind them to just witness what has been flying around.

I would agree that this first step is essential Grouchy, but it sounds like you have already honed these skills, so let’s move to the next piece of our dilemma: How to effectively change our self-talk-track. And let’s even take it a step further: we want to replace the grouch- with a kind and loving voice, instead. UGH IMPOSSIBLE, right? You’ve been trying this for ages and it just doesn’t change, no? You say the mantras DAILY and they just never seem to stick, did I get that right?

…I know why, dearest Grouchy.

I know why the voice won’t relent. I know why you feel so …grouchy. I would be willing to bet that anyone here reading today has struggled with this very problem, too. Myself included.

The books and resources that I have read, including Singer’s Untethered Soul, encourage us to identify that inner-voice, and actively decide to “not fight with life”, by realizing that life is not under our control. We are encouraged to then replace the negative chatter with something more cheery.

And while Singer does outline emotional pains and the importance of letting them go to live a happier life, how to do so can be a bit confusing.

Here’s the B.U.T. (big ugly truth)

The reason we cannot go from identifying our self-loathing voice, to switching on the compassionate, self-care voice, boils down to our emotions.

We cannot erase our inner critics. Even knowing that life is outside of our control cannot lessen the pains of being alive. In Emotions: Name It to Tame It, I explained the Beach Ball analogy; what we emotionally suppress, pops back up. The “pop-up” can be understood as that evil-tone. And she (or he) is a bitch. The more we ignore, the worse the voice gets. You cannot escape the grouch with flowery mantras. Or a busy schedule, or a delicious brunch, or even by sitting here reading this very letter, (I wish it were that easy).

So, What Now?

There’s an in-between step when it comes to transforming our self-talk. It’s acknowledging our emotions. Even the worst, most toxic, hurtful and scary ones. Actually, it’s especially those ones. That’s why this letter is …ick. Because who wants to do that?

For people-pleasers, this practice of slowing down enough and going “inward” to recognize A) How we are feeling, and, B) allowing ourselves to feel the pains of emotions, seems counter-intuitive to the way we have lived our entire lives. Inner-chatter will come flying from the woodworks: “Life doesn’t revolve around me”, “spending this much time on myself is selfish”, “I should be doing…literally anything, for anyone else.”

If you ever want to recover from existing only for everyone else, you MUST take the time to address what’s bottled up within. Make that process as soft for yourself as possible, and- don’t forget that therapy is out there if you would like someone to support you on this journey.

How to discover your *true* emotions and start to process them so that they can move through you and not stay trapped inside- looks a little different for everybody. That’s why this method can be so hard to figure out. Even if you hate it- meditation is a wonderful tool. Being alone, not on the phone, not on TV, just with yourself- is where I suggest you start. Also, keep an Emotions Wheel handy- feelings might surface that you need help to identify. Try sitting and just allowing that inner-monster to unleash themselves. Notice as a witness what the voice is saying. What feelings are attached to the voice? Get curious, why is that feeling there? Where did it come from?

The Good News Is:

Once you have seen and held your inner demons, you will notice that they stop hurting you so much. They will become quiet- or disappear all together. If you take anything away from this letter let it be: Acknowledging your feelings is essential in moving through them. There is a reward for processing your emotions, and it’s a sweeter, calmer, more patient perspective inward, and externally. If you are a spiritual person- this is where you really start to feel yourself connected more deeply to everyone, and everything.

Now that you have made space for your emotions to surface, and give you important information as to why they took residence in the first place, you may (finally) start to clean up that inner-dialogue.

The compassionate voice that you give away so freely- you can give it to yourself! It may feel awkward at first, but don’t let that stop you. Oh, and don’t worry, it will not make you less compassionate outwardly, you can’t “run out” of compassion. If anything, being kinder to yourself will increase your ability to empathize with others, and you will notice that your compassion-bone grows the more you “do-the-inner-work”.

Important reminder:

If this is your first attempt at feeling those feelings, and changing how you talk to yourself, you absolutely CANNOT expect your inner-voice to be rainbows and roses all day, everyday, after first attempt. (Sorry, toots.)

You are going to be working on re-wiring your brain, after YEARS of practicing self-hatred or cruelty. This is not an over-night oats situation. Think of this practice as if you were to be learning to speak a new language. Baby-steps. It is absolutely possible to increase your EQ, to cultivate self-compassion, and to discover self-acceptance- but you need to be aware that this is a life-style change. Not a diet. It can’t be successful if you only sample.

Start speaking to yourself with the same love you speak to your friends, your family- the people you care most about. Now you can re-introduce your mantras, post up your affirmations, and really start to believe in them because you are starting to believe in your self-worth. Standing ovation, BRAVO, encore!!

Thank you, so much, Grouchy Gorl, for providing me with the opportunity to get in touch with my own inner critic, and hold space for pain this past week in order to write you this letter. I wish you the softest road to recovery ahead, please do reach out with progress updates or follow up questions. All of us (me, especially) benefitted from your inquiry, greatly.

Feel free to screenshot this checklist, and reference it when you need a virtual embrace:

With Rainbows & Roses,

K. Alexandra

P.S. Do you struggle to find the time to practice self-care?

Every other Tuesday, DPP alternates to our advice column, Ask A (Recovering) People Pleaser. Here to hold your hand and share the secrets to self-care through emotional intelligence with you. What questions do you have? Submit to: Anonymous Google Forms or join the community chat below. We can’t wait to give you the biggest digital hug. <3

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