Ask A People Pleaser: How Do I Stop Caring About What Everyone Thinks?

EQ pillars I & II - get in here!

Happy Tuesday dear (recovering) pleasers,

In the wake of submission questions for this week, I’ve decided to share one of my own former questions about people-pleasing, and answer from my present self.

I’ve mentioned Elizabeth Gilbert’s Substack called Letters From Love just about 9 million times here, but this practice, asking a question, and answering from the wisest, kindest part of ourselves- is inspired by her work. In her most recent recording, she admits that 25 years ago (when she started this practice), she didn’t believe that the words that spilled out from her were connected to anything outside herself. Now, after writing letters from the source of Unconditional Love, she does believe there is an external force guiding her- guiding us all.
The beautiful thing about this form of meditation is that regardless of your religious or spiritual views, when we practice speaking to ourselves kindly- we reset our inner dialogue (even if only for a moment). There’s truly nothing to lose by being kinder to ourselves. That’s reason enough for me to embrace it.

Here’s the question:

Dear Universe (…or enter your deity of choice here),

As someone who cares about how other people feel, especially when it comes to how *I* make them feel (unconsciously, or not), I struggle with making decisions because I am so concerned about how it will impact everyone else. Losing approval from my circle is a haunting thought that lurks in the back of my mind, and she lunges every time I want to make a change. “What will people think?”, or “This will make them very upset” or “that’s it- you’re out” seem to outweigh most of my decisions to do things with my life. How do I silence these voices, without ceasing to care about those around me?

Love,
Me

Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash

Darling,

How could you possibly know how to meet everyones needs, when you don’t even know where to begin with your own?

Yes, you have been told that by being of service, your highest purpose will be fulfilled. Yes, external validation is a driving force in your ability to believe that you belong. Working too hard, being too selfless, not having an opinion- how does it make you feel? Were your acts of service done with an authentic care to help? Or was it more of an obligation, to “earn your keep”? Do you resent everybody at the end of the day, because you promoted yourself to Chief Helper-Outer and burned yourself below fumes while giving without a refuel? Don’t answer that- we already know.

For people-pleasers, becoming self-aware is the absolute pits. It feels like free-falling out of the sky, with no parachute or soft landing in sight. We have never looked inward, never taken the time to ask ourselves who we are, what we like, or what we believe in, because that would be too self-indulgent. We have always looked to others, to understand what we need to be. To stop resenting the outside world, and to stop the pattern of self-loathing- one doesn’t need to go anywhere or help anyone (else).

Do you know your favorite color, your favorite song, or what you would like to eat? Of course you don’t, you never bothered to ask. This is why learning the first pillar of EQ is so critical: without self-awareness, without knowing what your values are, what hurts or triggers you- there is no chance for self-management (the second pillar of EQ).

If we don’t have any idea of what makes us tick, then there would be no reason to know how to regulate our emotions, or our beings when life pulls the Uno-reverse card.

The truth is, darling, you will never be able to meet everyones needs. People will think, and talk, and wish that you did it differently for actions that you don’t even realize were noteworthy. And- if you spend the rest of your waking days living for the sake of someone else’s joy- it will only manifest in the darkest feelings of self-hatred, pity, and shame when you look back and realize that you wasted your precious experience here, trying to fulfill the expectations of anyone besides yourself.

I am not advising that you stop caring, and, I can with absolute certainty, promise that when you start to spend a bit of time getting to know yourself- it lends to a depth of compassion for others that you never knew possible. You will always care, but, when you embrace your emotions and use them as clues to discover what it is *you* need, it will help guide your life into more purpose.

In the words of Paulo Coelho, “whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth.” (The Alchemist)

So, follow the whisper nudging you towards what it is that you came here to do on Earth. Since you have uncovered that writing gifts you with perspective, comfort, and joy- lean into it. It is okay if you write only for yourself. It is okay if everyone who reads this laughs. It was not meant to heal anyone, but you. Once you start down the path of knowing yourself, you will start to see signs. Ask for them if you’d like. Ask to see angel numbers (444 gives you hope? GREAT! Notice THAT!) I can also say with certainty, that when you start to know you, and feel led by actions that make you feel most you, there will be support. Relationships (old and new) will strengthen, deepen, and you will feel seen on this path. It requires that you step out of the sheepskin, and embrace your wolf-y coat. Very few inhabitants of the human experience are brave enough to dive inward, discover their true passions, and then relentlessly pursue them. Don’t let those in sheepskin, scare you away from living your own truth. And if you feel stuck, or like you need to pivot- DO THAT. Also, you can find joy in many different outlets- don’t tie yourself down to only writing.

Thank you for taking the time to ask this question, and visit me here through this medium. Keep going, keep following the golden thread-it feels good to have you on track.

With so much love,

The Official Voice of Love

THANK YOU, dear readers for being here with me today- and for reading a question by me, to me (or Love) for me (and maybe you- if it hits home?)

I’d love to know- have you ever written yourself a letter before? What’s something you are currently learning about yourself? <3

Xx,

K. Alexandra

P.S. If you have any questions about people-pleasing you can Submit them to: Anonymous Google Forms or join the community chat below. We can’t wait to give you the biggest digital hug. <3