Are We Matching?

& I don't just mean outfits!

Welcome to DPP, a weekly newsletter about the real life trials and tribulations of pleasing, and how to leverage emotional intelligence for proper recovery. Letters land on Tuesdays, please allow me a first class seat with your inbox?

Do you know how to match?

Not just your own socks, but do you know how to match others?

This week, I want to share with you a tip to strengthen your Relationship Management skills. It’s simple: call me up and ask what I plan to wear tomorrow. It’s about leveraging social cues.

For new folks to DPP: Relationship Management is the fourth, and final pillar (think tip of the triangle) of Emotional Intelligence. It requires that the practitioner has a wealth of experience in the first three pillars: self-awareness, self-management & social awareness, before successful engagement of RM.

People-pleasers take note: In NO way, is relationship-management a form of pleasing. When we are successfully managing our interpersonal relationships, we are being genuine in our communication, along with being aware of the other person’s ability to receive our feedback.

It does NOT look like:

• Abandoning our values & beliefs to jump on the bandwagon for approval

• Staying quiet to “keep the peace” when you are hurting inside

• Informing others they are wrong to think or live the way they do, simply because it is different from the way you do it

All About Matching

This term, matching, I discovered in my latest read: Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg.

Matching is eSsEnTiAl when it comes to relationship management- you may already practice matching, and just not realize that you do.

When we match, we are providing non-verbal cues showing that we understand the other person.

Important: We do not need to agree with the other person to show that we understand them.

Here are some ways that you can easily match with others:

• Align your emotional tone

• Mirror body language

• Practice non-verbal cues like giving eye contact, and nodding when listening

Why Match?

You may think that cloning ourselves to be like everyone we talk to sounds…a little Stepford Wives. I agree. Don’t lose yourself in connecting with someone else (like I do, have done).

You can still express your genuine beliefs that are DiFfErEnT from that of another in the same tone that they are speaking in. This way, they hear your perspective, and understand that you are just as serious about your beliefs as they are in theirs. This is because they can emotionally feel that your tones match, even if your messages clash.

To be able to clash & match (in fashion this would be mixing leopard print with ti-dye while somehow pulling it off), takes practice. It is easy to let our emotions rule our behavior, and escalate into yelling, retreating, or …mutiny. Our goal here is to manage the standing relationship- not lose it, or become lost in it.

When we match, we are leveraging a level of empathy that says, “I understand the nuance here, and you matter to me”.

While matching, supper communicators (that’s you & me) are able to more effectively connect and create a rapport where both parties feel safe enough to come forward with honesty, rather than people-pleasing intentions.

Avoid the Mismatch

Sometimes, our feelings will take control over an interaction that conflicts with our deeply held core values (do you know yours? Read this letter if you need help).

We see this happen when people who care about each other are fighting. Also happens with people who don’t care about each other, but care about what they believe is right.

Bringing a different energy level or mood into the conversation (initiating shouting) will hinder connection and understanding. It leads to poor communication, which leads to further separation… and a downward spiral from there.

In your next moment of relationship management, leverage the first pillar of EQ (self-awareness) and notice the tone your counterpart has arrived to the conversation with. If you can- match it. Don’t change what needs to be said, but present the information in a tone that is comprehendible to the receiving party.

Some examples of Matching In Action:

• The One Where Everybody Finds Out: In FRIENDS, Phoebe & Rachel match each others excitement over Ross’ new apartment, to distract Ross from realizing that his sister & best friend are dating. They are so successful at creating an excited atmosphere that Ross ends up matching their energy by jumping with GLEE into their arms:

  

• In music: Duets are the perfect place to look for matching! I love John Legend and feel he always finds a way to elevate a duet with his ability to match tone, emotion, and overall sound.

• In successful disagreements: A more advanced place to look for matching can be found between two people who understand each other very, very well. Instead of flying off the handle with yelling (an anonymous ancient Sufi saint explained we yell because anger creates separation, and people’s hearts grow apart. The angrier they become, the more distance between hearts, resulting in loud yelling- even if they can hear each other in close proximity.) For high EQ individuals, people can successfully disagree with one another by matching in tone, body-language, and beliefs, without succumbing to a verbal boxing match.

Watch & Learn

Don’t just take my word for it- matching can be found in the wild as long as you know to look for it. TV is a great place to observe “matching” between relationships because on the screen, emotions need to be understood- often times without verbal explanations.

You could also read SuperCommunicators (linked above) or listen to it on Audiobook to hear more about how emotions play such a powerful role in shaping our conversations, and how recognizing & responding to these cues is essential in successful relationship management.

GettyImages

I hope to see you on the streets soon, and when we pass each other- let’s be matching.

From my heart-shaped shades to yours,

K. Alexandra

P.S. What would you rate yourself on the Matching Skills Scale from 1-10? Any tips?