Who Are You, Really?

Exploring Self-Awareness as a People Pleaser

“It’s not whether you “feel” like putting in the work, but whether or not you do it regardless.”

Brianna Wiest

Welcome to June, dear readers:

We are half way through 2024. Half a year of struggle, of growth, of pain, and resilience. Thank you for choosing to spend your free time here with me.

Today I want to go back to basics. I want to explore more of our first pillar of emotional intelligence; Self-Awareness.

I have outlined why it is imperative when learning EQ, we all set out with a beginner’s mind and start at the bottom, over here, but the abbreviated reason we must embrace self-awareness is simple. In order to better understand and connect with other humans, we must first connect with, and understand ourselves. Outch- I know. As (recovering) people-pleasers, it’s easy to jump to pillars 3 & 4 (social awareness & relationship management) and think we have EQ perfected.

The cold hard truth is that we hold the awareness of reading the room and prioritizing others in our social relationships as a protection mechanism- to please. Be it for safety, or FOMO, considering ourselves experts at EQ when we only have pillars 3 & 4 down, actually makes us worse at living lives we will look back at and feel proud of, than people who don’t understand EQ at all. I am not pointing a finger at you- I am admitting that I am was this person, and if this seems to stir something within you- keep reading. I’m here to help -even if it stings.

So, as a delayed processor- introvert- recovering people-pleaser, you must know that self-awareness is a practice that I will be applying, and exploring for the rest of my waking days. Very much not something I consider “complete” or that I am an expert at, simply because I appreciate EQ.

Let’s place ourselves at an imaginary party, happy hour, or social event (yikes!). When you are mingling with someone new, how do you share who you are?

It’s more than your name, age, alma mater, or day job. Connecting with others, requires you have self-awareness.

I typically look to others to describe who I am - my friends & family. And while kick-starting our self-awareness with input from trusted sources can be a great initiator for reflection- it insinuates that looking outside of ourselves to find “who we are” is the key (false).

So, I have been challenging myself to notice more- specifically about myself- as often as possible. My likes, dislikes, emotions- and what triggered them, beautiful traits, bad habits- all of it.

I’ll share my lists (nice and not so) here- and ask that you reflect (or share!!) too.

**I have looked HIGH & LOW, READ LOTS OF BOOKS, WATCHED TED TALKS, and SCOURED YouTube INTERVIEWS WITH GURUs trying to find sources of HOW people start to become self-aware. The general message I have come to understand is that it varies per person, but it requires “going inward” and spending time observing ones’ thoughts & feelings. Journaling helps me organize my takeaways after these moments.**

Who Am I?

The Delightful Little Lovelies (AKA: things I like about me)

If I were a summer shoe

• A lover of non-fiction, personal development, self-help- especially memoir style- I LOVE TO KNOW HOW YOU DID IT! I love to learn the "inside story”. When people discover their passions, and work relentlessly towards them- then go on to share how they achieved their goals - that’s my bread & butter.

• A person who feels deeply, knowing that going deep means risk- and doing it anyway (No risk/No Reward)

• A Nurturer (answering this in the least people-pleasing way possible) when my cup is full, I thrive on filling the cups of others (I think we ALL do, but are too burnt out to realize this)

• An appreciator of staying in (Homebody) and watching a good movie (I like comedy, dramas & documentaries- Augie likes Monster Truck footage- which I have grown to appreciate, too)

• A certified dork (not to be confused with Nerd- that would be a compliment. I’m not that brilliant.) A dork is someone who is intrigued by specific, but random, things- and collects all the information possible- about said things.

• Things I dork out about: gemstones (very into moldavite), coffee (I hate medium roasts and if that means we can’t be friends, I get it), shoes (see Adidas photo above), Monster Trucks, eMoTiOnAl iNtElLiGeNcE (duh) & whatever musical artist I am currently obsessed with (today that would be Olivia Dean).

• Favorite flower: white rose

• Last but not least: Augie’s Mom. If it were not for him- I don’t think I would have ever grown to care for myself the way I do now. It is so important to me that he sees what self-care looks like growing up, and if I have no other purpose in this life than to witness his experience on Earth-I’ll consider myself lucky. (Omar I love you too- everybody plz know I appreciate my husband.)

  

  Born of the stars…need you know more?!

Who Am I?

The Ugly Little Cringees (AKA: things I need to work on)

• Stubborn- I’m working on this, but I am self-aware enough to know that I HOLD ON for DEAR LIFE to my beliefs. And if I believe that you have crossed me, (after the 3 million chances I give due to my former people pleasing patterns) - doom on you. It is very difficult for me to forgive & forget. I may be able to eventually forgive, but that is only because I have convinced myself that it is more painful for me to harbor negative feelings against you- so if I do ever forgive you-it’s really for me. (I’M NO SAINT)

• Not Great At Sharing: I do have sisters- who are both great at sharing clothes & items with me. I however, am again- no saint- and I would rather buy you your OWN exact same thing that I have, than share it. I am sure there is some kind of psychosis behind this, but I really believe that I put my “energy” or “essence” into my things and bond with them. I don’t like to give that away- even if it’s temporary. (I do love gifting, so if you compliment me on something I own, you will likely receive it as a gift in the near future).

• Validation Seeker: People-pleasers, back me up here. It just feels great to know that your presence is appreciated- in whatever capacity- right? No matter how much “inner work” or self-acceptance I process- I’ll be the first to admit that Words of Affirmation still have weight, and FEEL GOOD. I need want them.

• Pattern Repeater: On my healing journey, I delight in identifying a pattern that has led me to living in a limited capacity. I tell myself that by NOTICING the pattern, I am suddenly & miraculously healed from it. Example: I complained about my burnout a lot- noticed that I do that, decided to stop doing that- DID STOP- only to find myself complaining again about a month later. Lightbulb moment: I fell back into my pattern of burnout because I did not stick to my self-care routine to restore myself BEFORE hitting burn out. **breakthrough insight here in the audio recording

• Low (but improving) self-awareness: As mentioned above, I used to have to ask others to tell me who I am. Unfortunately for many people-pleasers we can’t or don’t want to take the time to understand ourselves because we don’t think we are worth it. I have finally learned that construct is a LIE. Nobody can truly know you, until YOU know you. I am now working on increasing my self-awareness, which in turn will increase my ability to self-manage- which will be great for everyone who has to deal with me all around. It’s a win-win. <3

Your Turn: Who Are You?

Asking for Edna…

Thanks so much for reading behind the scenes of who I am today. I would love to know (if you feel comfortable sharing) what are some of the Delightful Little Lovelies about YOU? And if you are feeling extra fearless- what are some things you are working on, maybe that make you cringe?

Even if you don’t share publicly- do yourself a favor and think on this question- or journal your answer. Raise your EQ, get to know you- so that we can, too.

Digital Hugs,

K. Alexandra

Bonus Material:

If you are still around- I learned a quick visualization from Brianna Wiest (quoted above) from an interview she did in 2023 about KNOWING YOURSELF.

**If you can listen to the audio recording for this part it would be best, if not read the instructions and then give it a try:

1. Close your eyes (obviously wait a second if you are only able to read vs listen)

2. Imagine yourself enter into an empty room. Nobody else is in there.

3. See two comfy chairs facing each other in the middle of the room.

4. Go sit in one of the chairs.

5. As you face the empty chair- someone else enters the room and takes a seat across from you.

6. Who is it, you ask? IT IS YOU. It is your future self. Your happiest, most evolved, wise, and loving self. Glowing a smile at Present You.

7. Notice your future self- all the details- the feeling you feel looking at them, how do they look? Hair? Clothes, colors? Notice the details.

8. Now open your eyes. THAT, is who you are. Right now. That person - that level of peace- lives within you. What are you going to do today, to get closer to embodying THAT version of you?

P.S. If you have any questions about people-pleasing/self-awareness you can Submit them Anonymously or join the community chat below. We can’t wait to give you the biggest digital hug. <3