A New Year Resolution That Will Actually Work!

& I finally realized WHY

Welcome to DPP, a weekly newsletter about the real-life trials and tribulations of pleasing, and how I leverage emotional intelligence for proper recovery. Letters land on Tuesdays and sometimes surprise days, please consider me a first-class seat with your inbox?

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I am a chronic Vision-Board-Craftor.

I have made a vision board, either physically, or virtually every YEAR for the past decade.

My boards are filled with lofty dreams that I have been deluded into believing I can MaNiFeSt simply by aligning my energy with the vision board outcomes and believing that the ViSiOn is already my life.

I have boards filled with publishing offers, financial freedom, speaking opportunities, (insert TedX stage even though I don’t love the idea of public speaking) and people I admire who would want to wOrK wItH Me.

Below was my vision board entering 2023. I have been superstitious about these and don’t share them with anyone! Maybe that’s part of my problem. I barely even admit to myself what I want. Classic people-pleaser-issue: low self-awareness. We don’t want to acknowledge what we want or need. We are too busy helping everyone else figure it out for themselves!

Sadly, I am still not pals with Mindy, and I have not been involved in any peace-inducing-efforts worthy of a Nobel prize (🤣 I told you I was deluded!!) None of the visions of my past became my reality. Year over year of putting in elbow grease, and…nada.

This year, I finally realized WHY.

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It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m in bed at 7 pm.

I am sick with what I am self-diagnosing as that Bird Flu that has been going around. The one with COVID-like-symptoms, but not COVID.

I could care less to be missing out on any parties, my issue is the congestion. I CANNOT STAND MOUTH BREATHING but both nostrils have failed me. The tissue collection is massive and the full body chills are in full effect. Heating pad is at the HIGHEST SETTING. Pillows are stacked so that I do not drown in my own phlegm.

I look gorgeous.

It’s typically when I am completely knocked to the ground health-wise that I finally realize all I can do is surrender.

Here, in bed, mouth-breathing with crusty tears dried up on my cheeks because even they did not have the energy to roll fully down my face- I understand; it’s time. GIVE IN.

I find my phone under a sea of tissues and go to audible. I scroll through my library and find the longest audiobook on my shelf: Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza. I press play and allow myself to absorb the words read by a man with an English accent.

Per usual, the book and chapter that I had left off on, was exactly what I needed to hear. I was taken through a meditation, which I’ll abbreviate for you:

Close your eyes, scan your chakras, and then imagine a straw dropped into your being from the top of your head.

Inhale: From the top of the straw, suck up all the YUCK in your body through the straw. Extract it. The YUCK is typically repressed emotions, memories and all the delightful little moments that I THOUGHT I could outrun, or forget about forever. If you are into emotional regulation, or wellness, in any sense of the word, you already know that I am an idiot for believing that my body would allow me to ditch negative feelings sans processing or at the very least; acknowledging them!!

Eyes closed, I visualize my chakras. My second chakra is especially heavy, and cloudy. I am inhaling with everything I HAVE IN ME, and with my eyes closed I visualize black soot being sucked up the “straw” from the top of my head.

Exhale: I imagine the soot going straight into the molten core of the Earth, melting back into liquid lava- so that my shit emotional baggage cannot harm anyone else.

⚡️ I identify this soot as RESENTMENT. I have so much!⚡️

Immediately, I pause Dr. Dispenza. At a million miles per hour, I understand WHY my previous manifestations and New Year’s Resolutions, and Happy Planning, and visualizing HAVE NEVER WORKED:

The little plus one I have been carrying around with me!!

Her name: Resentment.

Her Code Name: Kindness

Her mission: To people-please, bag up the achievements, and then smolder in the back seat because we were labeled as “nice” but never did anything nice for ourselves our whole entire blasted lives?!

In this moment I realize that I cannot genuinely practice or manifest gratitude or abundance (or anything good) if underneath my gratitude there is a big, fat, layer of RESENTMENT.

This is the equivalent of sprinkling powdered sugar over shit and calling it PIE. (If you have seen or read The Help → exactly that pie)

OF COURSE I AM NOT ATTRACTING WHAT I WANT!!

I have not dealt with what I have. Just like cleaning out my closet, I need to take inventory of what I own and that means diving to the back. Look at those pre-pregnancy pants… they are not going to fit today (or any day, let’s face it). Acknowledge the RESENTMENT towards myself and post-baby-body, and let them go…make space for the NEW! Can’t pile more pants into an already full drawer.

While I am coming into this realization, I notice that my left nostril has taken MERCY upon me and I can BREATHE SWEET AIR through it!! I cry another half tear with TRUE AND UNADULTURATED GRATITUDE.

Part of me feels so stupid; I was raised with this knowledge. I have a memory being sick when I was around 6 years old, on my top bunk of the bed. My mom calmly instructed me to metaphorically pull all the pain up and out the top of my head, replacing it with golden-white light for healing. My childhood was filled with pleas to practice emotional literacy. Process the pains! I remember it was really hard to do as a child. I didn’t have the language, and even when I did, words refused to leave my lips. I didn’t know back then that I was a written processor. I didn’t have the ability to express this aloud. That feeling of helplessness ruptures this entire process over again. Pain in feeling the Pain. HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN?

Another part of me feels lightness. The wiser part. Yes, we forgot, but the important part is that we remembered. Emotional literacy does not only mean acknowledging my surface-level feelings that splash like waves across my brain all day long. Taking a deep dive, and documenting inventory of what lies beneath is an ESSENTIAL step to healing.

As a people-pleaser, I have held a lot of resentment- unconsciously! I don’t even realize that I have it! Especially in the moment!

• Help you vacuum the inside of your car on my day off? Sure!!

• Go to that party for my Sister-In-Law’s neighbor’s daughter? Of course- what should I bring??

I agree to do things for the sake of acceptance or praise, even when I don’t have the capacity. Do I realize how I feel in the moment? Mostly no… Do I speak of this out loud when I do realize? Also No. The resentment builds. Towards them and towards myself.

So, what do I do now?

That’s right. HOLD SPACE. (If you haven’t seen this interview with Ariana and Cynthia for Wicked- it’s about “holding space” to process feelings)

The Resolution I set for 2025:

This year I vow not to orchestrate more lofty goals or vision boards. 2025 is going to be about slowing down A LOT, and holding space for myself. Saying “I’ll get back to you on that”, so that I have a minute to think about my bandwidth instead of selling my soul for the sake of approval.

I will be excavating the shit repressed feelings I have forgotten are dormant inside and making space for the GOLDEN-WHITE LIGHT (aka my own Personal Peace Prize) to sprinkle down upon me!!

Why it will work:

Because this time, I’m not asking myself to do MORE. Or achieve MORE. Or be LIKED OR LOVED MORE. I’m not asking myself to go after external goals. Or be known as “Kind”. I am asking myself only to do what I need for myself.

My word, motto, and mantra for 2025 is: Alignment.

I will ask myself if external requests are in alignment with what is going to be best for me. I won’t be the first to reply to texts or calls. I will be taking inventory of my energy levels, and responding based on that.

I wish the very same golden sparkles for you, with the knowing that leveling up requires digging down, first. It will cost us, and it will hurt. (for those of us who thought we were finally done with that, I AM SORRY & I AM WITH YOU). Some of us may pass- and that’s okay too. I’m not here to tell you what to do- just nodding to you from the slow lane.

Holding your finger in mine,

K. Alexandra

P.S. RECOVERING PEOPLE-PLEASERS: I am looking to learn from you! If you would like to be interviewed in 2025 I would LOVE to have you! Please submit your contact information (safely) here: Interview Me! 🐞