BTS: The Making of this Newsletter
Take a peek inside my mind as I write Dear People Pleasers
Welcome to DPP, a weekly newsletter about the real life trials and tribulations of pleasing, and how to leverage emotional intelligence for proper recovery. Letters land on Tuesdays, please allow me a first class seat with your inbox?
Hi Dear Ones,
Thanks so much for all your kind messages last week about the Functional Freeze, and for sharing your Serenity Songs! Special thanks to
’s Cathy, for adding Let It Be to our mix. That is in my Hall of Fame for Serenity Songs. Our collective playlist is linked below.This week, I am inviting you all to come along with me as I reflect on my own self-awareness (first pillar of EQ) throughout the making of this very here letter.
Part of self-awareness is tuning into the voice in our minds. Hearing the train of thoughts that we OH-SO-OFTEN let cruise by our consciousness without taking notice. When we unconsciously speak to ourselves, that contributes to our overall emotional status. Being perpetually negative, or cruel to ourselves (guilty), even if we are unaware of it, will lead to our demise. When I share the “voice in my head” convos with you in these letters, I am expressing my dark sense of humor my process of becoming aware, of that voice. We can begin to change our inner self-talk, by recognizing when it is happening, and replacing negative banter, with kinder thoughts about ourselves.
Below you will be taken on the journey of my creative writing process. You’ll see how this newsletter, and all my newsletters are born, developed, fine -tuned, and finally, published.
I hope you enjoy!
Opening My Laptop
Click: Bookmarked page to Dear People Pleasers…
Loading 🔄
Voice in my head: So, we begin. I have to click on the home page of this platform which shows my worth as a publisher reader stats. I know that there has been some update to Substack so that we can change this horrifying moment to divert to opening another page sans any numbers. I have just been too lazy busy to actually change my own home page here. Next, I have to open another tab of my publication, to copy/paste my opening CTA, because I am wayyyy to lazy busy to make up a new way to say, "plz, plz, I will be your greatest friend, if you just give me your email. IT'S FREE. AND THIS IS QUALITY. I am all about a deal.”
Open the publication tab. See 362 361 subscribers because while in draft mode, I lost somebody. Squirm.
Me: Should I be embarrassed? FOR SHAME.
Me again after a moment of self-awareness: This is your passion project!! Don't let the stats change your love for this craft. This little nook, where you may sit, and rest, and feel, and be free would feel exactly as important with 0 subscribers.
Remember: The passion in this craft, and all the parts that lead up to feeling confident enough to press "Publish" from the draft- that vocation- that calling- has to come from within.
Starting a New Draft
I love a draft.
I hate a draft.
Drafts are scary. Looming.
The overall message I need to convey in my letters is rarely fully formed at this stage. But sometimes, just starting at the blank page- completely devoid of any mistakes - is the kick in the rear I need to get the creative juices flowing.
I love a draft.
The naked page is so alluring.
The opportunities to tap into a creative flow.
Regardless the end result- just get lost in a project…
That feeling is REALLY hard to beat.
Okay headlines!
Me to my mind: WE HAVE LANDED IN THE DRAFT PHASE AND WE NEED SUBJECT MATTER OPTIONS, PEOPLE. LOOK ALIVE. Department of Research and EQ Implementation? What do you have over here?
…
Me again: YOU’RE KIDDING. YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING NEW ON THE SUBJECT YOU CLAIM TO BE A EXPERT NOBODY OF?? You disgust me.
Time to pivot. The idiots in Research & Implementation are clearly not taking this seriously. Would the Department of Inspiration and Awe please report to the central office immediately?! What have you been collecting this week in terms of subjects for our newsletter? You always know how to put a creative lens on the seemingly dull or ordinary moments. Hit me with something good.
…
Crickets in the distance.
NO!! This can't be…
I already fired the Research and Implementation Department, so I need you…
Please just start looking out. If you notice a moment that has potential- GIVE ME A SIGN.
Me: Leaves Substack.
Life commences.
Work/walks/dinner/wind down time/bedtime for August/homework/Substack notes browsing/snacking/shower/repeat.
Ahhhaa.
We notice something sparkling…there's been someone watching us in here, this whole time.
Higher-freaking-self. (She often doubles as the softer, kinder, voice in my mind.)
She's here, and has always been here. AND NOW SHE IS MAKING YOU AWARE THAT SHE IS HERE.
Recall when we asked for a sign from the Dept of Inspo & Awe?
THIS IS IT. This is The Dept Head. She's here & this is your sign.
She's motioning to the newsletter..
Me: okay, what about it?
She's motioning to your inner dialogue…
Me: OHHKAYYY…
We are getting hotter- she is trying to help you ignite those critical thinking cells…
Think…self-talk….think…newsletter..think..EQ…
BINGO.
Okay, we will write about this lightbulb moment:
She wants you to explain the process of thoughts as a "behind the scenes” to how you write this newsletter, while weaving in self-awareness. Your sharing of your inner-dialogue IS the way you express a level of self-awareness.
Me to Higher-Self: YOU SLY FOX YOU EVEN FOUND A WAY TO BRING IT BACK TO EQ.
I LOVE YOU GIRL.
THANK YOU.
^gratitude due to the holy mother.
Headlines
Now we have our subject, and with it- we craft our headline:
Behind The Scenes: The Making of this Newsletter
Subtitle: Take a peek inside my mind as I write Dear People Pleasers
…easy-peasy.
The Body
Okay now we are in the body section, and this typically is the meat & potatoes of any healthy newsletter. Some kind of personal story, and a lesson or take away should be inserted here.
This letter is all about how I craft a newsletter- the "lesson" can be two-fold: 1. An insider look at how people-pleasers can begin to practice self-awareness by sharing my own internal dialogue, helping readers to try notice their own, and #2: How to format a newsletter- well one of the many ways, one could format and create a newsletter.
Deep Dark Secret: I typically try to tie in how we as people-pleasers can leverage the four pillars of EQ to start the healing process of perpetual pleasing here in the Body of my letters. This practice has been immensely helpful for me to both test my knowledge of EQ by putting The Department of Research & Implementation to work, and to let the Department of Perfection & Control go without overhead lighting for a moment. Here's where the deep-dark-secrets start to emerge. Without the overhead lighting- there's nobody to keep an eye on them. They creep up: I am not a perfectly emotionally intelligent being. I succumb to imposter syndrome at the thought of being THOUGHT OF as a fake, often. Even after all the practicing of EQ and self-compassion. I have SO OFTEN on my creative endeavors, abandoned ship before really even getting to the sweet spot of practicing. WAYYYY before the 10k hours of practice has been hit for "expert" status. Why? You may ask? Because as a pleaser, I have been SO terrified of letting others down with what I am doing. Also of being judged.
My family reads this letter. So do some of my friends. And colleagues. Do you have a space where you creatively throw yourself out into the open as a walking target for speculation? This is my space for that. Anyone can read what I write-it's free. But that's not what scares me most. "Anyone" is shapeless in my mind. I don't know "anyone", or their values, or beliefs, mere internet-strangers. You know who I do know? My family, my friends, my colleagues.
Yes, it is incredibly humbling to feel the support of people I know-reading these letters. Many of whom I ASKED to subscribe!! (Thanks, btw for being here since Day #1).
But at the same time: WHAT IF I SAY SOMETHING, OR FEEL LIBERATED BY AN ASPECT OF EQ, THAT IN SOME INDIRECT FASHION- LETS THEM DOWN?!
Tarter-sauce.
Or what if a subscriber who doesn't know me in the flesh- feels I have missed the mark on helping them learn about EQ?
Or decides that I am boring, or bland, or just flat out WRONG in my approach to healing people-pleasing?
That's the kicker. Getting over THAT voice in my mind.
There are so many resources that I have read and embraced over the past few years to help me KEEP GOING when I feel stopped in my tracks from the FEAR:
Dr. Brene Brown. I have been described as her "super-fan" by someone I greatly admire- so No, I will not feel shame for sharing Dr. Brown's wisdom with you on this platform for the zillionth time. From her book, Daring Greatly, she describes why our potential critics should never be the reason we don't live out our visions, or embrace an opportunity to be our most authentic selves.
The quote I am about to share with you is actually by Theodore Roosevelt, but was re-discovered by Dr. Brown in her research on courage, and has been leveraged as a life-raft for MANY creatives, looking to quiet their fears ever since. These words have helped me find the courage to share on this platform time-and time, again:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” — Theodore Roosevelt
Just, wow.
I’m not calling you cold, or a timid soul. Don’t run away. What I am saying, well what Teddy is saying, is that there are too many people held back by fear. All they will ever know is how to talk about what everyone else is doing, without ever being brave enough to be terrible at something new. I have been that guy… this part of me is run by The Department of Perfection & Control.
Re-shaping my approach to being vulnerable, to being brave enough to seek out something that ignites my joy, and to pursue it even in the face of fear of looking like a complete idiot, or being talked about as "a complete idiot"- this quote has liberated me. The critics of my mind are represented as Teddy’s sidelines critics. Are they your’s too?
From someone who has over-funded the Department of Perfection & Control for FAR too many years, I urge you to try turning out their lights at your Organization (read: mind), for just a moment.
Me to You: Allow yourself to step back into that child-like state of being curious about things again. Forget how you look. Forget what anyone else thinks about it. The Department of P&C has undergone budget cuts. The funds have been re-allocated back to the Department of Inspiration & Awe.
From this new lens- what pulls at your heart?
IT IS OKAY IF YOU LOVE IT, BUT YOU ARE TERRIBLE AT IT.
Part of the Awe, the reward for allowing yourself to step away from the concept of "am I palatable enough??" IS AN INCREASED FEELING OF PRANA (life-force). A DEEPER GRATITUDE FOR YOUR VERY EXISTENCE. Will it last forever? No. In fact- this is a very short ride of glee my friend- because you will immediately be dropped back off at the Dept of P&C when you realize that you have no experience partaking in this new hobby- or- if you do have experience- it is covered in cobwebs, and has been a LONG WHILE since you indulged in the joy it brings you. You will be faced with a choice:
Proceed, knowing that you will look, feel, and be speculated like an idiot in the beginning, OR:
Let The Department of Perfection & Control hold you back from ever trying
These anxieties and choices, for me, are behind the making of this letter. Every week.
I continue to show up to challenge the fear. To quiet the people-pleaser in me. To practice and learn about Emotional Intelligence- a subject that I have been drawn to as a means to find purpose in my pain.
To gift deeper language and understanding for how I am feeling, to myself- and anyone here who may also want to learn. To help me be a better-regulated person. Better mom. Better human to all humans.
Closing Time
Here is where we wrap it all together in one nice little burrito. Thank people for coming out, wish them a safe trip back home, you know the drill. Be a good host and offer that little goodie bag on everyone's pilgrimage home:
I have two treats for you today!
The first is here
The incredible author of one of my favorite books, The Color of Emotional Intelligence, Farah Harris- gave me great advice (yes she spoke to me, we shared LinkedIn voice notes and yes- I nearly passed away when she agreed to my proposal of sending her a copy of my EQ Journal) Farah said, "You created a gift. Now your job is to let the world know that it exists"
Dear World: I self-published a heaping journal. I made it on Canva after watching buying several tutorials on how to make a journal on Canva, and how to self-publish. This is my long-winded way of telling you that it is not perfect. It has not been professionally edited, and the color pallet is not for everyone. BUT, THE QUEEN OF EQ HERSELF makes a point. I poured my heart and soul into a project whose purpose is to dig up the gemstones in YOU, waiting to be cracked open! Anywho, as I am sharing my self-awareness and apparently entire soul in this letter, I am admitting that I know I have not been great at promoting this guided journal. The reason is not because I don't think it's lovely. Its been the darned Dept of P&C holding me back. A typo has held me back (I spelled etc as ect 😅). Should we play “where’s Waldo” to find it for a prize?? I have let shame of imperfection tamper with my confidence in the journals’ ability to take you on the journey you might need! Or maybe someone you deeply care about is emotionally illiterate? Don't be ashamed! I once was too! Still am- in many ways! My guided-self-published-perfectly-imperfect-Journal, is on Sale. If you would like to purchase a copy/leave me a review- that would be radical of you.
My second gift for you is our playlist from everyone’s comments on last weeks’ message. Thanks so much for sharing with me!!
Listen here: Substack Serenity Songs
🪷
In the making of DPP, I'm choosing courage over fear, and should you be moved to do the same, I will be CHEERING YOU ON FROM THE ARENA.
Signing off as The Department of Inspiration & Awe,
K. Alexandra
Thank you for the Let It Be mention, K!
I swear, I was expecting BINGO as the title, lol.or Tarter sauce!