Ask A People-Pleaser: POV: An Introvert Joins The Party
EQ Pillars: Social Awareness & Relationship Management - Advice Column No. 5
Welcome to the party, people!
Did you know that your behavioral personality lies on a spectrum including, but not limited to: being an introvert, being an ambivert, and being an extrovert? Intro and extroversion are widely known, but many people don’t know about the middle ground persona- which means you would be an ambivert. This is the blend of being both outgoing and extroverted (gaining energy by being around people), and acting more quiet or introverted (restoring energy by being alone). There are also extroverted-introverts, and vice versa. This week’s question is for all our introverts.
Dear K,
I am both a people-pleaser and an introvert, which means that I often find myself in social situations where in order to please, I have to attend parties, or large group activities. Some of these activities are through my job, so I can’t turn them down. I want to be involved, but I get easily overwhelmed in the crowds or big groups. How can I show up, without feeling like my awkward, introverted-self?
Sincerely,
The Wallflower
Dear Wallflower,
You came to the right spot! This community is chalk-full of of people-pleasing introverts…you are safe here. <3
It’s hard for us to be in big groups of people for a couple of reasons:
Attention (ours & theirs)
Expectations (ours & theirs)
Empathy (as empaths, we feel the room)
When we are in big group settings, for parties, work events, or community events- this can be viewed as such a pressure to give everyone our attention, during a limited period of time. This adds stress, to an already stressful situation. To address who gets my attention: depending on the setting (seated or standing, formal or informal) - I like to move around. I connect with as many people as I can, in smaller break out groups- so that it feels less intimidating, and I can give others my attention in shorter bursts.
Expectations- let’s bring them to the table. People-pleasing introverts may not love the idea of big parties or group gatherings. It’s too many moving expectations, and people to actually please. We may find ourselves planning our exit before we’ve even entered. That’s okay. We are allowed to respond this way. Your body is telling you that you don’t feel 100% safe in this kind of environment. Excellent! We can lean into this self-awareness and make a plan to leave after committing to having (enter your number of choice here) conversations. Establish your game plan before you partake in these parties, and be comforted in knowing that the plan can change to support your best interest at any time.
As for the expectations of others, if you already have a game plan set up and know how long you will be planning to be present- let the party people know while you are chatting with them that you will be around for an hour or two and need to make your rounds. This way, there is transparency in your plan, and when it comes time to skip out- less anxiety weighs you down because you already communicated your plan up front.
For all our people-pleasers reading, and especially to you, dear Wallflower; some of our social anxiety we feel when in large group settings is not even ours to own. This doesn’t mean that we don’t also hold social anxieties, but it’s important to keep in mind that as empaths- we not only read the room, but we feel it. We can sense who is off, who is anxious, who is happy, sad, bored, angered- without so much as a word exchanged with these other party people. That means, when we feel that there is some social anxiety floating around a room we enter, we think, as pleasers- that it is our purpose to absorb it. Hear this: it is not your job. That is not why you were invited. You deserve to have a good time when connecting with your people, too.
Here’s three ways we can move through group anxiety or diffuse it:
Float: big groups often break down into smaller pods of people. Move from pod to pod to break up some of that nervous energy. Spend 10 minutes with the first group you see, and, you can offer to grab snacks, a drink refill or escort a group member to the restroom upon your exit so that it doesn’t come off as harsh when you feel its time to migrate to the next pod.
Music: Not all parties play music, and not all work settings come with it in the budget, but if you can get some tunes going- it will help break up those awkward silences really well, and, it also helps to bring people CLOSER! If there is no option to start up a sound system where you’re at, play some music on your phone as background noise. One of my favorite Spotify playlists for gatherings is called Backyard BBQ- check it out!
Games: I always have a box of cards in my car- not playing cards, but bonding cards that have questions for each person in the group to answer. This gives the party-people something to talk about and a little bit more structure so that the nervous energy doesn’t sit and sulk. Playing cards also work, or board games, corn-hole, and other activities that inspire connection without too much effort on the brain. These activities are also inclusive to everyone in the pod, so you don’t have to worry about diving deep into convo with one person, leaving a few other people quietly looking in from the outside. One of the box-set cards I have is from Target and I’ve used it at family dinners and work events: It’s called Burning Questions, linked here.
I have to say that The Perks of Being A Wallflower was one of my favorite books in high school- I know and love The Smiths thanks to Stephen Chbosky. Something that Charlie (main character) teaches us is that we don’t have to have everything all figured out. Simply being alive is part of the lesson we are all here to learn. It is okay to feel nervous. It is okay to want to people-please. It’s okay to show up and not really know where you belong. You don’t have to force yourself to “fit-in”. Just be.
After listening to an excellent song on the radio while in the car with his friends, Charlie says that he feels “infinite”. While most of us introverts feel most infinite when we are basking in our own company, see if you can tap into a feeling of love and connection when you are with others. Part one of the book closes with Charlie sharing another special moment listening to “Landslide” in the car with his friends and he says, “In that moment, I swear we were infinite”. In my copy my 10th grade self drew an arrow to the margins with a pencil and wrote “tattoo”. I never got this line tattooed, but I still feel Charlie’s sentiment reading back on his words today. We all deserve to feel larger than life, connected to each other, and the universe. We all deserve to feel infinite.
The tips above are tactical practices that have helped me in large group settings, but I don’t write this advice column from a place of having it all figured out. Many of the suggestions I give are as much a reminder for me, as they are for you, dear Wallflower.
Don’t worry about “carrying the party”, showing up is enough, and leaving by your own terms is not only allowed, but will be celebrated by all of us here- because it means that you practiced emotional intelligence. You leveraged self-awareness in acknowledging that you feel ready to go. You self-managed by allowing yourself to step away - even if the party wasn’t over. Your social awareness represents your presence at the party and empathy utilized to connect to the room, and your relationship management was practiced in your breakout convos during your time present.
I’ll leave you with words of wisdom from our OG wallflower, Charlie, and a few links- per usual:
“We didn’t talk about anything heavy or light. We were just there together. And that was enough.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Thank you dear wallflower for showing up and standing out today.
Wishing you many infinite moments ahead,
K. Alexandra
Check out these EQ Building Resources:
Join our Self-Care Support Group Thread! Meet other (recovering) pleasers, and carve out time to practice self-care (critical part of EQ!) This week’s thread is here
Do you have questions about emotional intelligence? Every other Tuesday, DPP alternates to our advice column, Ask A (Recovering) People Pleaser. What questions do you have about the Relationships in your life, Personal Development, or healing from people-pleasing? Submit to: Anonymous Google Forms or join the community chat below.
My Guided Emotional Intelligence Journal - with four sections dedicated to practicing ALL FOUR pillars of EQ is a great tool for beginners, or for Coaches to guide clients through! Click here to check it out and see a few reviews. <3
As an introvert, I'm definitely going to keep these in mind the next time I'm at a party! I am extroverted once the conversation starts but the absolute worst at initial small talk.
Lovely pieces of advice!
“ when we feel that there is some social anxiety floating around a room we enter, we think, as pleasers- that it is our purpose to absorb it. Hear this: it is not your job”
I had not thought of that.
We don’t always have to be “on” and we can leave early! Shocking.
Without saying an excuse! Ultra shocking!