Ask A People Pleaser: Monster-In-Law or Mentor-In-Love?

Leveraging Relationship Management & the "B" word

Welcome to Ask A People Pleaser, a bi-weekly advice column about the real life trials and tribulations of pleasing, and how to leverage emotional intelligence for proper recovery. Letters land on Tuesday, please allow me a first-class seat with your inbox?

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I don’t have a mother-in-law. I never had the chance to meet her. She died when Omar was a senior in high school. It would be five years before he and I would meet in the library at community college. You know that interview question, “If you could have lunch with anyone, from any time in history, who would it be, and why?” Well, my private (read: substack) answer would be her. I would need to learn how to speak a unique dialect of Arabic, and probably devote myself to Islam for that lunch to go over well, but to meet the woman who raised my sweetheart…there’s not a lot I wouldn’t give.

Although, I am not delusional, and I am sure if Asha were alive today, managing a relationship with a woman whose language I don’t speak, and whose faith I do not share- would not be easy.

In fact, I’ll mention that I may not have a MIL, but I sure do have the next best thing: a sister-in-law. One who very much is the matriarch of her family. Protector. Nurturer. Leader. She is not to be challenged, which has been challenging for…me.

Today, we have an amazing submission about MIL’s. I have been cultivating bravery strength over the past 2 weeks to address it with honesty, a bit of research, and heaps of compassion. Relationships are hard. But also essential. Let’s do this.

Question:

My mother texted me at noon on Sunday and asked my 1 year old and I to travel 4 hours to spend time with her that week, I'm not a bad daughter for saying no to such short notice right??

Signed,

~mothering me~

Dearest (s)Mothered,

On the one hand, great to know that you and your baby are loved! Also great to know that MIL feels comfortable asking to spend time with you! The lines of communication are open, so we are actually in a great spot. Don’t leave yet- I’m not done. I promise I see you.

Let’s pivot to your needs and feelings. First, let us all come together here and validate you (Readers, this is your cue to chime in with unwavering support for sMothered). Not being able to travel for multiple hours with an infant last minute on a Sunday does not make you a bad daughter. I am so sorry anyone has you questioning that!

I realize the second I drop the “B” word, everyone (especially people-pleasers) RUN FOR THE HILLS. And no. WRONG B-WORD. Get your head out of the gutter, this is your MIL we are dealing with here!

I’m talking about Boundaries. Again. I know. You know. We all know. BUT, do we practice actually using them?? And this is a real question. I am not being deeply, or brilliantly philosophical here. I want you to think about it. Right now. When, if ever, have you put an effective boundary in place? Reading it in a book or brilliant newsletter helps, but we need to break outside the annotations and highlights here, sweets. It’s time to implement the practice of both LOVING OUR MOTHERS and PROTECTING OUR PEACE.

Let’s think about both parties here. We have MIL, who shall remain named, MIL. We also have You, and your 1 year old.

I mentioned it was a good thing that MIL reached out to ask. You may be thinking, “Why?? How??” I get it. From this perspective: MIL wants to be part of your world. She also wants to connect with her grandchild, and a four-hour commute may not be at the front of her mind (even though it is VERY MUCH at the front of ours when a baby is involved). The reason why it’s a good thing she asked, is actually kudos due to you- sweet sMothered.

You have successfully cultivated a relationship with your MIL where she feels (incoming buzz-word be warned) psychologically safe. This is HUGE. Congratulations!! Let’s break this down quickly:

Psychological Safety

Myth: A space we put a circle around and name, where everyone will be “nice” and accepting. It’s also automatically safe simply because we deem it so.

Fact: The above myth is false.

But don’t just take my word for it. From Harvard Business Reviews’ (you may think HBR has nothing to do with family, and I would challenge you to think again) latest edition of their Emotional Intelligence Series called Psychological Safety, let this little beauty lay on your eyes and in your heart:

The term implies to people a sense of coziness—”Oh, everything’s going to be great”—and that we’re all going to be nice to each other. That’s not what it’s really about. It’s about candor, about being direct, taking risks, and being willing to say, “I screwed that up.” It’s being willing to ask for help when you’re in over your head.

-Amy C. Edmondson

She may not be saying she screwed anything up (and neither are we), but she is reaching out, being vulnerable, showing her cards. She wants to bond with both of you.

Knowing that you have successfully cultivated this space between you and MIL, let’s backtrack to those boundaries now.

Of course, to travel with a baby, on short notice, is stressful. Of course, the thought of letting your PARENT (in-law) down, is even MORE stressful. You are not in the wrong here.

My advice today is to keep the line of communication open, which will facilitate the space for you to speak your peace, and for her to feel included and loved by you EVEN with boundaries.

Some people will tell you that you don’t owe her an explanation. I am not some people. I believe in the power behind the WHY, and in explaining ourselves.

Start by letting MIL know how much notice you will need for a visit, OR, if that seems too extreme, you decide on pre-scheduled play-dates, and let her know! Let’s say you can travel 1x/month. Pick that date and text her to expect you + chubby cheeks on that date, forever more. Explain, (she may have forgotten) how difficult long-distance travel is for an infant, and how the baby has a routine that has also become part of your routine. Disrupting that will equate to a crummy time spent with both of you for last-minute requests.

If you are up for it, you could also invite her to meet you on pre-determined dates, so that you and baby don’t need to travel, and she can still be included.

I’m going to close with some words I received (I think on this very platform): You Matter. Your experience matters. Guilt & shame will never fill your cup. Practice the boundary, facilitate the safe space to be honest, and tell her you LOVE her. Thank her for thinking of you, and inviting you over. Tell her this with the same depth of love you whisper to baby. Do it for you. Do it for her. Do it for those of us who can’t do it out here.

You are an amazing mother, sMothered. An amazing Daughter. An amazing person.

Thank you for being brave and writing in! We would love to know how things pan out. Please keep in touch!

Before you go, Liz Gilbert was on The Tim Ferris Podcast a few weeks ago, and she spoke about How To Set Difficult Boundaries in the way only LG could. Listen for inspo should you need it. ✨

Love,
K. Alexandra

P.S. Submit your Anonymous Questions, right here.