A Day in my life as a (recovering) People-Pleaser
Join me as I leverage all four pillars of EQ in a day
When you engage in people pleasing you are out of integrity with yourself, your goals, your dreams, your life’s mission.
-Eileen Anglin
Greetings my friends,
As you know, I am a people-pleaser in the early stages of recovery. Within the last few years I have made the noble prize winning discovery that emotional intelligence- is the key to liberating pleasers (like me) from the hollow cycle of living for everyone else.
I have worked tirelessly to learn and embody all four pillars of EQ to bring a sliver of peace into my life, and flocked desperately to Substack to share my discoveries with you. Thank you so much for being here.
Welcome to a day in my life.
6:30am
I wake up. The bed is MINE. O is out for a run. August is sleeping in his own bed. The fan is on full blast and nobody is next to me, or sweating on me. DIVINE. I inhale, feel gratitude, exhale, and decide that’s enough of my morning meditation. I reach for my phone to check the time. Weird. It’s not on the three tiered crafting cart I use as a bedside table. It’s also not under my pillow (don’t yell at me- I know the EMF waves are toxic, and I should never sleep with my phone). Great. I’ll look under the bed. Not there, either. UGH.
I venture to the living room, grab my up-cycled pasta sauce jar and fill it with water and lemon juice. Sprinkle in some salt. *Note to self: Order the Celtic salt w the minerals. Need the minerals.
Find my phone: It was under the green pillow on the couch, glued to a stale baby-wipe now stuck to the back of my case. Rad. It’s almost 6:45a- perfect! Let’s get back on track, make some coffee, read, and begin the day with some ZEN.
I’m brewing the coffee, reading my saved substacks, hydrating with the lemon water and overall, my self-awareness tells me that I am gearing up for a LOVELY day.
7:00am
I look over at my desk. My dual-screen WFH station. Funny, the screen is blue and looks like my auto-restart didn’t rEsTaRt last night…
I go to check it out.
“RECOVERY: It looks like Windows didn’t load correctly. If you’d like to restart and try again, choose Restart My PC below.”
UGH. These old laptops. Let’s restart please.
Screen goes black and I move back to the couch to continue my leisurely morning, sipping my sips, chanting my affirmations, easy-breezy…
10 minutes later
I glance back at my computer, all should be well by now for sure. It usually takes two tries anyway. I’ll go login to catch up on those emails now.
My eyes must mistake me. Blink. Blink.
“RECOVERY: It looks like Windows didn’t load correctly. If you’d like to restart and try again, choose Restart My PC below.”
NO. WE ALREADY RESTARTED. DID WE NOT JUST DO THIS??
Leveraging EQ: Let’s start with Pillar One- Self Awareness
I am AWARE that I am losing my zen, and it’s not even 8am.
I am agitated. Great- we have a label for the emotion- now we can move to Pillar 2 of EQ:
Self-Management
To regulate and manage the agitation, I sit down. Inhale from my nose, filling up every inch of space in my lungs AND belly. Looking 8 months pregnant- I exhale.
I decide to re-start the forsaken laptop AGAIN. 3x.
I know that routine helps me to feel in control (of what I can control) so I go get myself dressed, brush hair, teeth, face, and lay out my son’s outfit for when he wakes up.
7:30am
The laptop is officially doomed, and any hope I had at 6am has shriveled up and perished. I decide it is time to tell my boss, and send her a text including the heartbreaking screenshots of my pathetic computer screen. I let her know that I will join our team meeting from my phone, and head down to Corporate by 10a if all is not resolved.
Text from Dad: 163 is shut down and there were 4 casualties. Be careful!
OKAY?! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
Along with a notice to my boss, I also reach out to one of our IT managers. Lucky for me, our team recruits for all the open positions of our Org, and we happen to have weekly I.T. meetings with recruitment updates- clueing me into precious information around who can help in a technical emergency. Like this one.
I reach out to him from the Teams app on my phone: SOS! PROBLEM W MY LAPTOP. BLUE SCREEN!! Also, Good Morning!!
Both he, and my boss get back to me around the same time with the same message: Girl. Calm yourself. This is a global issue. Several industries have been impacted. Flights have been cancelled. Even the Starbucks drive through is down. NOT EVERYTHING IS A “YOU” PROBLEM.
Except they both said it in a much nicer tone with totally different words, but you get the picture. I immediately felt like a heaping idiot for complaining before checking out the news. As a recovering people-pleaser, I am mortified to find that I unnecessarily bothered anyone.
To regulate, and try to make use of myself, I call the number for I.T. and restart the laptop approximately 12 more times until 9am.
9:00am
Well, the number for I.T. disconnected after being on hold for about an hour, and my laptop is still frowning at me, so I hop onto our team call from my phone.
Turns out several of us were impacted, and we abbreviate the meeting because my boss is an angel and realizes that attention spans are lacking at this moment in time. Especially mine.
I deduct that if any work is to be achieved today, I must make the pilgrimage to Corporate Office and approach IT in person.
Realizing that this is not simply a ME problem, I initiate EQ Pillar #3
Social-Awareness
All of the pillars of EQ are critical to living an emotionally healthy life, BUT (and maybe this is just part of my people-pleasing self talking here) igniting Social Awareness is one of my favorite things to do. Think back to this letter I wrote where we come to understand that social-awareness is about reading the room- and CARING. Emphasis on the CARE.
So, I read the proverbial room. How would the I.T. team be feeling today? Learning that half of their 3,000 colleagues had electronic issues? Needing to divide and concur to reach as many “blue screens” as possible. All hands on deck. What does that feel like?
Stressed. That’s how it feels.
For my fellow word nerds- Dr. Brene Brown explains Stress as:
We feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demand as beyond our ability to cope successfully. This includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overloaded (Pg 9 of Atlas of the Heart).
So, what do you think, dear reader?
Does that definition track with the current state of unpredictable CHAOS?
I think yes. Yes, it does.
How do I act with care, now that I have read the room?
Donuts. Right?
I add and subtract in my mind how I may be of service in this uncontrollable predicament, showing that I care, without being able to fix the problem?
I certainly can’t dawn a polo and join the squad out to fix a thousand laptops- so I think of what would bring comfort to those who are, while keeping in mind this is a corporate setting, and I need to be respectful of everyones time, and resources.
I leave the house with my fried laptop to go and find donuts for the crew. I drive down the road and remember Trader Joe’s is right there- also the Donut shop is always, “CASH ONLY” and I never have cash- TJ’s it is!
I go in with a budget in mind and also realize that since I am in a grocery store- I can widen my gift selection to healthier options too. I find these peaches that are shaped like donuts, and add them in. Yogi Tea for Immunity & Stress- in the basket. A small carrot cake with cream-cheese frosting, YES. Some snickerdoodle biscuits to pair with the tea, obviously. Add them in.
I find a salad for myself, some sunflowers for our incredible Queen holding down the front desk, and an immunity shot of Vitamin D for my teammate on the premises.
11:00am
I knock on the door to the IT Command Center. Wait. Wait a little bit more. Before almost walking away, the door creaks open. I am met with tired eyes and an shocking update: Nobody is here. They are all out, scrambling to help everyone on the floor. Some of them have been up and working on this since LAST NIGHT.
Dear lordy. My pleasing-self is CRAWLING with anxiety. I feel terrible for needing help. For adding to the burden. I also feel terrible that my own team has basically no access to me and I am missing work.
I hand over the bag of Trader Joe’s goodies and plea to be added to this never-ending queue of “Blue Screens” AKA: Chronically ill laptops. I get a nod, and a promise to send someone over to the HR office when possible.
I sulk back to the cubicle that I share with a peer who is on-site more often than I am, and write another sticky note to his line-up of sticky notes, thanking him for sharing his space with me- even though I never asked if that was officially OK.
11:45am
A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
COULD IT BE??
I hear voices. Most definitely not dead people.
A call out: “Somebody needs help with their laptop in here??”
I FLY OUT OF MY CHAIR AND JUMP OVER THE STRAP OF MY PURSE ON THE FLOOR PLOTTING AGAINST ME, BEFORE ALMOST GOING DOWN FACE-FIRST SCREAMING, MEEEE!!! I DO!! IT’S ME!!!
They have ARRIVED.
We search for a wire to connect my laptop. They restart. They tell me that this issue cannot be resolved by phone (so glad I was on hold all morning!!), and they cannot “remote-in” to our laptops- we need to be on-site, in the flesh, for them to help. Thank GOLLY I came down here.
They get my laptop to the login screen which I have not laid eyes on since yesterday- and let me tell you- yesterday felt like last YEAR in terms of anxiety I was swallowing over this.
We log in, and the devious little spinning wheel of death taunts us. No connection. No email. No…point.
They speak to each other in a technical language I cannot understand, and they tell me we need to re-start again.
Sure! Of course! Whatever we need to do!
They look at each other.
They tell me that this upgrade may mean losing some things…
*Brick to belly*
“What kind of things?? I have some important folders on my desktop… nervous laugh… AND MY ONENOTE?? That is basically the encyclopedia for how to do my job. I NEED IT.”
They look back to each other, then back to me and say, “It’s this, or a new laptop. How old is this one, anyway??”
At this point, my underarms could be confused with Niagara Falls a bead of sweat drops from my brow, and I give the signal to go for it.
Power drifts from the screen. Everything goes dark.
Still feeling guilty for needing help, anxious to BE AVAILABLE to my own team, and helpless in the fact that I have NO CONTROL, I feel myself retreat.
The I.T. guys are joking with each other and making the best out of their situation. One of them is literally singing Hakuna Matata “it mEaNs nO wOrRiEs!!” …and I am over here, WORRIED.
My laptop fan starts up: first sign of success. It’s loud and working OT, but she’s trying. Next the screen lights up, grey-black, and then the option to add my credentials appears. I step out of my corner of shame, and type in my password.
SHE LIVES.
We are back in, and my desktop folders are STILL THERE. My *precious* How To Guides, short-cuts, links and lists- still there. My eyes well up- I am not kidding. The sweet relief of not having to start all over- of having connection again!! I remember to breathe. and say, THANK YOU.
The I.T. dudes leave our office, and I open Outlook to about 97 emails waiting for my attention. Smile. Let’s get to it.
I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP- as I click on the first email (I go by oldest to newest out of habit, but this is actually a risky process as I sometimes reply to emails that have already been replied to by someone else. *Note to self: read from the top, DOWN, from now on) and SOMEONE IS CALLING ME ON TEAMS.
We have been live for about 6 minutes.
I decline.
Message: Hi are you available? I need to talk to you.
💔
Inhales. Deep inhales lady. It’s okay. The emails will be there. You were not available all morning. Take the call.
Fifteen minutes later, problems are worked out- for today-and I get back to my emails.
A few calls later, and all caught up on those emails- it’s time to get back home before the traffic determines that I will be having a sleep-over on the freeway.
I pack up, thank all my people, and then thank all the people who I cannot claim to be mine, but they stuck the day out in their own rights, and I head for pre-school. My baby awaits.
4:45pm
If you think that I forgot about the 4th and final pillar of EQ- you are right. Relationship Management. On days that feel chaotic, difficult to regulate my OWN feelings, let alone the feelings of others- sometimes people-pleasing prevails, and I forget everything I have learned.
Then, my son joins me, and after 2.5 minutes- I recall our fourth pillar.
The BEST THING EVER about my child (and there are lots of things), is that we have established a system. He tells me his needs without feeling guilty, and I tell him mine (even if he doesn’t understand, or agree).
So, on our way home, he’s telling me that he *needs* to go to Target and Costco, and I tell him, I *need* to lay down in bed to recharge my dead social battery.
This could probably be a whole separate letter- but incase you did not know: Relationship Management is not equivalent to people-pleasing.
People-pleasers tend to think that we manage our relationships by keeping everyone around us happy, tending to their needs, and staying quiet when we disagree with something, because for whatever reason- silence is safer than speaking up.
I will give you the cliff notes version of what TRUE Relationship Management looks like:
🪷 Managing your reactions, to preserve the overall relationship- in a genuine, and kind, way. 🪷
Decoded: Control yourself, people. Don’t act a fool. Wait a minute to reply. Let there be an awkward silence. Say what you MEAN, but don’t BE MEAN about it. ☮️
I work on this ALL THE TIME with August. He asks for something ridiculous: ie: Costco & Target after work on a day my brain was in overdrive. I (instead of snarking back about why a three year old doesn’t need Costco samples), thank him for telling me where he wants to go, AND - always Yes, And… here, I add that “Mom needs a little break. It was a long day. How about we compromise with some snacks, and you can have my phone to call each and every contact I have while I rest for a bit?”
I look into the rear view mirror:
He’s wearing his flower shaped sunglasses - without being prompted- and grinning.
“Give me the phone!”
Me: What do you say??
“Give me the phone. Please?”
And that, in a nut-shell, is an inside look at real Relationship Management.
6:00pm
I am on the couch, with my laptop next to me. I have a pillow under my neck and I am reclining as far back as possible. I am listening to
walk me through a breath work exercise called GROUNDING, and I decide to get down on the floor.I drift as far as I can with Sonic The Hedgehog playing on YouTube and Augie calling yet another victim from my our, phone.
I visualize my body sinking further and further into the depths of the Earth (in a cooling, restorative way) and I breathe to the count of Ashley’s call.
If you enjoy breathing, I highly recommend you join me in her Breath-work Immersion this summer. Check out her Substack: The Deeper Call
She also has a couple of books out that I literally carry to each room of my apartment with me, from day to day. Think of these as my adult version of security blankets (no joke):
It is in this suspended state- from time and space, where the idea hits me: Write about this. Write about a day in the life. Emotional Intelligence… on the fly. The life of a (recovering) people-pleaser… what it looks like!!
**Thank you Ashley- these kinds of creative outbursts are the most exciting, and rejuvenating to my SOUL. If not for your guided practice- this very letter would not exist.
10:00pm
Plot twist: We went to friggin’ Costco. And Target. But not until Baba got home. Friday Family Date Night. Fun stuff.
Also, sister drove down from Carlsbad and we talked/grazed in the kitchen. It led to revelations for the both of us. Love when that happens.
11:00pm
Lights off, PJ’s on, fan blowing, and I find myself tucked back into bed. This time I am not alone, but hanging on for dear life as August splays out his arms and legs over O and I. His baby-snores are music to my ears. I don’t even have to try- I am already asleep.
Thank you, dear reader- for spending a day in the life with me!!
This letter was longer than the last couple of rounds have been- if you are still with me, I appreciate it!
Tell me: What practices do you keep in your back pocket, to restore after a LONG day?
Anything you carry from room to room, for the sake of sanity?
With extra Costco samples,
K. Alexandra
Cutie patootie kiddo! Worldwide event am still dealing with the effects at my work it may take moths to get everyone updated. You don’t even want to know…. I wish someone would bring us donuts! But working where I do and weird hours no one ever sees us. Out of sight out of mind. Oh well. Glad to see a peek into your life… Write On!
Thank you for sharing a peak into your world in this way. I found it so humanizing and normalizing for my own trials and tribulations in relationship to the mundane. Thank you for this reminder that this is life.