The Curious Case of Pickle & Bon Qui-Qui

a cozy houseplant mystery, based on my 7th grade science project

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We have two plants in our home. Make that three. Real, live ones. In my head, that qualifies me as a crazy plant lady because never in my life have I been able to keep THREE whole plants alive. Simultaneously.

Actually, I can’t really take credit for their good health. My husband tends to them. He waters them bi-monthly and physically carries them outside for their “sun baths”. We’ve had them all year, I think. That’s several months of plants in our home narrowly escaping death, thriving? Yeah, this is a new win for our family.

Our two fiddle leafs have names. They are twins, brought home on the same day by O, and we’ve been tracking their growth and overall appreciating them month over month.

One of them has two branches. Her name is Bon-Qui-Qui, inspired by my cousin Bernie who does the BEST impressions. Qui-Qui is shorter, but since she has TWO branches producing leaves, she’s just special- special.

Then there’s Pickle. Pickle was named by August. Pickle is TALL. Especially for growing so closely to the microwave. (Sorry, P).

Qui-Qui has unfortunately fallen ill. Her leaves are turning brown. Something is all wrong, but we don’t know what…

Welcome to the murder mystery investigation for my house plant. Was it the butler? Of course not. I’d never be able to pull off a kill.

Anyway, both gals are planted in the same soil, get the same amount of sunlight, and water…why is Qui alone in her illness? Or, better yet, why is she sick at all??

I’ve been thinking about it. Investigating, if you will…

I did a 7th-grade science project with three tomato plants.

I had to create a hypothesis for them. I guessed that #1 would grow faster than #2, because #1 would be “listening to” classical music, and #2 would be listening to heavy metal. I guessed hypothesized that #3 would be shorter than both 1 and 2, because it wouldn’t get any music at all.

I thought that the classical music plant was going to be the tallest of the three, because the classical music was peaceful, and, pleasant. It would thrive with soft attention.

Then, #2, would still thrive, but at a slower pace, because the musical “attention” it was receiving was aggressive, but it was still receiving attention…

I thought #3 would be last…no attention at all. Runt of the group.

I hope you were not preparing for a happy ending to my 7th-grade science project, because I cannot for the life of me remember the conclusion to my little school assignment. I don’t remember who grew tallest.

The reason why this story within a story matters AT ALL, is because it has led me to my current hypothesis regarding Pickle & Bon Qui-Qui, once a scientist, always a scientist. now, before I go on, it’s important that you know, the following hypothesis is going to make me look like a saint great person, and I typically do not allow myself the indulgence of feeling like I may actually like myself, so, please humor me, and read on knowing that I am not always glowing rainbows and positive vibes. That’s actually kind of rare for me, and something I’m working to change, because we only get this “one, wild and beautiful life”, right?

My new theory? Well, it dawned on me that I typically sit closest to Pickle, when I’m on the forsaken couch. And when I say next to her, I mean we’re about 6 inches apart. Something I always do, when I’m next to Pickle, is talk to her. Almost subconsciously, I almost don’t catch myself doing it until I realize that I’m speaking out loud.

I have been whispering words of affirmation to my plant. On a nightly basis, I have been sitting down next to her, admiring her leaves, and telling her that she is “doing such a good job growing”, and reminding her that she’s
"getting taller”, or “growing and healthy”. In the last 6 months, Pickle has outgrown August. August is a tall 4 year old.

I’m thinking that Bon Qui-Qui is suffering from unintentional isolation. She doesn’t get the same attention as P because of her placement. I don’t sit on her end of the couch! If there’s ever been a sign to switch up where I sit like a normal person, this would be it. Qui-Qui might appreciate it. Maybe we could help heal her browning leaves. I’ll get Augie in on it too. Tell him to talk to her when he puts on his shoes every morning. Give her a Monster Truck in her planter for the day… I wonder if that affection would change anything…

This story is going to have to end with a cliffhanger, unfortunately we don’t yet have results as my fiddle leaf theory has only been born as I write this. You’ll have to check back next week for updates.

Before we part ways, the metaphor of my affirmation theory isn’t lost on me. If Pickle really is, on some level, thriving because of how I speak to her, imagine what speaking to myself (and yourself) with this level of love and compassion could do?

I’ll be trying on “consistent” affirmations. Reading myself the post-it notes every morning. Especially the cheesy inspirational quotes. Join me?

I’m envisioning all of us crafting our own Drew Barrymore closets with messages of loving kindness:

“TODAY IS THE DAY YOU START TRUSTING YOURSELF, SPIRITUAL SUPERHERO.”

May our day be filled with tiny little miracles that we notice all around,

xX kaylen alexandra Xx

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