That Certain Thing About Certainty

...of this, I'm certain...

Welcome to DPP, a weekly newsletter about the real-life trials and tribulations of pleasing, and how I leverage emotional intelligence for proper recovery. Letters land on Tuesdays and sometimes surprise days, please consider me a first-class seat with your inbox?

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I’ve started having synchronicities regularly occur in my life again. A couple of weeks ago, I was receiving strong signs to read Rilke, which I did, and that led me to learn how my grandmother translated his poetry from German to English during her senior year of college, making the whole experience more meaningful and special.

Since then, I’ve been learning to lean into life’s discomforts, while also embracing the practice of looking out for clear signs to be “rewarded” with the next synchronicity.

People-pleasers are certain about one thing: gaining your approval.

It’s the most important thing. In order to do so, we throw our own approval of ourselves out the window and morph into whatever shape is called for. It can be embarrassing when you think about it. What’s the most unhinged thing you’ve done to gain approval of someone else? It doesn’t feel good to think about that, right? Everything in us screams “NO! Don’t do it!!!!” as we watch our bodies carry out tasks we may or may not get a clap on the back for. Pleasing is driven out of our need for safety and survival.

One of my cringiest moments of people-pleasing takes place in a bathroom stall with a stranger. I helped pull up her underwear after she puked her brains out in the toilet, and then decided there was more to come out the opposite end. She didn’t call for help, but rather was talking to herself, and I overheard the struggle… I felt my body shift into motion before I could even think about what I was doing. The stall wasn’t locked, so I slowly pushed the door open to find her in all her glory.

And before you EVEN THINK that I am telling you this story because I am “such a sweet person,” let me put that to rest REAL QUICK with the reality that I went into that stall, looking for approval from a drunken stranger. My actions weren’t driven out of genuinely wanting to help. I had an agenda. I wanted to be liked. I didn’t care if she wouldn’t remember me the next day. I needed to be her hero in that moment. See, I told you pleasing is embarrassing.

I like to weave concepts of emotional intelligence into these letters because I believe, but claim no certainty, that practicing EQ will lead me closer to knowing myself, and more than that, help me start to accept myself (imagine!).

Do you see where I’m going with this? If we get to a place of even mediocre self-acceptance, or self-compassion, our people-pleasing tendencies CAN’T thrive. When we get the chance to become our own hero across all public bathrooms far and wide, serving others when it’s not done out of necessity to survive starts to fall away.

Here’s where certainty comes into play. This word hit me upside the head and heart TWICE within twenty-four hours. Not simply the word certain, but loud, unshakable signs from the universe blaring at me from two unrelated platforms with the SAME EXACT MESSAGE each time.

The first sign was during the 2024 film, Conclave. My husband is a Religious Studies major, and the selection of a new Pope following Pope Francis’ death last month has been something discussed in his classes. We watched the movie together. Cardinal Lawrence, played by Ralph Fiennes, delivers a powerful monologue about the dangers of certainty. He argues that faith thrives on doubt and that a true leader should remain open to questioning and uncertainty. He goes on to say that certainty is the enemy of unity, tolerance, and faith itself, emphasizing the importance of embracing mystery and doubt.

I. was. captivated.

How many things have I sold myself as “certain” on?

How many levels of self-doubt, imposter syndrome, people-pleasing-for-my-soul, have I let the quick sand of certainty pull me under to?

How many times have I made an assumption about someone else, believing I know what they are thinking, in a split second, based on my certainty?? (Answer: too many)

I went to bed with the intention to cancel this certainty in my life. Try to give living sans certitude a try.

Follow me into the next day:

I go through my normal motions, not allowing my preconceived notions about certain events, such as work meetings, emails, family matters, etc to take the driver’s seat. I approach EVERYTHING with an open mind. Certainty is NOT driving. Certainty is not even allowed in the car.

I won’t lie to you and say that by ditching certainty, my day was heaven on Earth and everyone decided to choose Love and we are all a happy people now- but I will say that the hard parts of the day were a little easier because of my mental approach.

Then, I get in the car to pick up August from preschool. I have been listening to the same audiobook for far too long. I put it on: Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown. I’m finally winding down to the end of the book, and Dr. Brown is opening the section about Wholehearted Parenting.

Now, I’m really listening. I need all the parenting help I can get. Some people in my life tell me that I am a great mom (thank you), but inside I feel I am failing on several levels and I want to give more of myself to my child, while also being better about teaching him life lessons and providing a layer of wisdom that can only be granted by life experience. While I can write a mean letter, I don’t speak as eloquently, especially when it comes down to the hard parts of life. I am an internal processor, and this makes verbal bonding challenging for me. Due to this, internally, I feel certain that I am a “bad mom”. Brené walks me down from the cliff of shame yet again.

I have her text both in physical form and audio, so after hearing the excerpt, I ran home to find her EXACT words in my book. I needed to confirm what I had just heard, for the second time in less than two days:

Our need for certainty in an endeavor as uncertain as raising children makes explicit “how-to-parent” strategies both seductive and dangerous. I say “dangerous” becuase certainty often breeds absolutes, intolerance, and judegement.

Brené Brown, Daring Greatly, p. 215

Did you read that, dear reader?!

TWICE. Two times! Separate occasions! Totally unrelated activities!

Call me Woo-Woo-De-LuLu. I don’t care. To me, this was a sign. LOUD AND CLEAR.

Stop being so certain. About everything, including myself.

Be curious. Stay open-minded.

Even if you think that you are already open-minded (me), I promise- there’s more to unlearn.

Try it and see what happens. Report back either in the comments or reply to this email privately. I would LOVE to know what shifted in you when you stopped being so certain about something, someone (including you), or everything in general.

From my uncertain cup to yours, cheers!

xX kaylen alexandra xX

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