Something You Should Know

about Emotional Intelligence that I have been hiding from you!

Welcome to DPP, a weekly newsletter about the real life trials and tribulations of pleasing, and how to leverage emotional intelligence for proper recovery. Letters land on Tuesdays, please allow me a first class seat with your inbox?

Dear you:

Welcome back! Thanks for making the commute. I know there’s a lot of traffic in your inbox these days. Dogging that Bed Bath & Beyond spam gets trickier by the minute. I appreciate you for making the effort, and showing up.

I have a confession to make! A big one! Juicy one.

I have not fully, totally, 100%, shared all the components of EQ with you. GASP!! The horror! I know what you’re thinking: this tricky little bitch has been holding out on us ON PURPOSE! Rude!

And you’re right: I was being rude. Hear me out? Let’s talk about this? Don’t you want to know WHY? I do have a reason…

As part of my recovery from toxic people-pleasing- I have withheld some information for the sake of OUR COLLECTIVE WELLNESS. Those of you who have helped to build this vibrant community have silently (or not so) agreed that you need to heal, too. You, in some way, would like to stop the cycle of pleasing others to fill the voids within. I think that’s incredible. To flex that level of reflection and self-awareness requires feeling some pretty icky parts of ourselves that A LOT of humans refuse to feel.

If I were to boil DPP down to the bones, this newsletter exists to:

A) Initiate the recovery process from people-pleasing patterns by sharing real-life accounts of my own, along with stories I have learned from, observed, etc.

B) Inspire us to leverage emotional intelligence as the tool-kit to stay on the path of self-compassion, which would liberate us from the pleasing pattern for good.

Over the past 35 weeks, I have written about the four pillars of EQ. Each pillar builds upon the former, and the foundation of all EQ is self-awareness. Many, many, letters about awareness. Those aren’t going anywhere. Building internal and external SA will be a life-long process for me- and I hope for you as well.

Are you just hanging on for DEAR LIFE to learn what I have been hiding from you, over there? I hope so, or else- what are you still doing here?!

Before I spill- it’s important you know this. There’s four pillars of EQ.

You: She’s doing it again. We already talked about this. I want those 2 min of my life back.

Me: There may be four pillars of EQ, BUT, and this is a BIG BUT. There are actually FIVE components that are married to the four pillars.

You: She’s kidding. THIS is what the surprise was??

Me: Yes. There is more to EQ than I have shared with you here. Finally, I present you with the five components:

You: Oh great. Here comes her tutorial voice. Another Substack guru on the loose. Run!!

Me:

1. Self-Awareness (yes, again with the SA- just keep reading)

2. Self-Regulation

3. Motivation (See the components ARE different from the pillars)

4. Empathy

5. Social Skills

You: Did I miss something? Why was this such a big secret?

Me: I tell myself that you all have the four pillars of EQ memorized by now from reading all my previous newsletters as though you wrote them yourself- that’s my bad. Here’s just a super quick little refresh. The pillars are: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and finally, relationship management.

You: How is this different from what the components are?

Me: Great question!! IT IS DIFFERENT. IT IS VERY VERY DIFFERENT FOR ONE REASON. There’s one component that I have intentionally LEFT OUT of all my previous letters to you. Do you know which one?

Empathy

I have been keeping empathy locked in the attic, I threw away the key when I started this letter last December. I have yet to talk about her, or instruct you to leverage empathy on purpose!!

You: I knew it. She really is a bitch. Who in this day ceases to care? Finally. I can sleep peacefully tonight.

Me: I have kept empathy off your door-step to help you. Also to help me. To help us, dear reader. Dear people-pleaser. Dearest, kind, compassionate, do-whatever-it-takes-seeker. Dear push-over. Dear doormat. Dear martyr with or without a cause. I speak to myself here, right next to you.

We do not exist *simply* to serve. Yes, when it is genuine, and within our bandwidth/capacity- it is a beautiful thing to practice. But, not when it’s not.

When it’s not authentic- when our cups are empty, and we are leveraging empathy for the sake of pleasing someone else- to ultimately fill a hole within ourselves- it aint gonna work. We will be left exactly where we started, feeling empty and disconnected. Which is hilarious, because as people-pleasers, we please to feel fulfilled, and closer to one another. We are seeking value and worth in our connections.

We can’t throw ourselves into someone(s) else and expect life to fit. Only you can discover your own life’s true measurements- and as recovering pleasers, we do not need to be shamed or guilted into exercising MORE empathy than we organically have to give.

Do you understand now? My precious? Do you see why I have been hiding her from you? Empathy is a powerful tool for connection. One that when used the right way will bring us closer to our people.

You: mmmkay…I’m not totally sold.

Me: For those of us at the starting line of learning self-worth, Empathy is not your friend. She is the cool girl, who looks super fun, but has secretly been plotting against you. Waiting for her chance to pounce. To fasten everyone else’s oxygen mask on the crashing plane, EXCEPT FOR YOURS. As you desperately gasp for air in a cabin that is now on fire, she looks back, winks, and jumps out the emergency exit. You already know what happens to you. Correct. Burnt hair, and lungs. That’s where playing with Empathy at this stage of recovery get’s you. Burned.

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

🧁 In the kindest, most delicate whisper- I urge you (and me) to stop with the flowers for everyone else, and give just a sprinkle of that compassion, back to yourself. 🧁

I have found, that when I do this- when I cultivate a slice of self-acceptance for a moment of life in this temporary vehicle (read: my body) - empathy for everyone else, is unleashed. And that kind of empathy- well. She is the kind that cannot be locked away. She will break the door down and surround you and everyone you know in TRUE connection. TRUE understanding. TRUE belonging… the message I present to you via carrier pigeon today, is that true Empathy is worth the wait. She cannot be falsified. And she lives in you, just like she lives in me- waiting for us to open the attic doors inside.

As writing this little PSA has helped to grease the hinges off my own dusty heart, I am experiencing a slice of self-compassion and do not plan to waste it behind a screen.

I hope you feel a teeny-tiny bit inspired to spend a moment appreciating yourself when you read this. The benefits include a lighter self-talk-track, and increased capacity for other earthlings.

If you (read: anyone) would like tips on how to practice self-compassion- please PLEASE let me know. Also start with The Emotional Intelligence Journal I love her, and feel you might, too.

From my selfish heart, to your open arms,

K. Alexandra