On Empathy, Collaboration, & The Creative Process

artists, poets, crafters, singers, potters, composers, etc

THE FIFTH PILLAR brings the four pillars of emotional intelligence to life off the page. To receive new posts, be reflected in my mirror, and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

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“I think it’s easy to confuse a soulmate with a mirror”

S1, Track 7: She’s Gone, Daisy Jones and The Six

Author’s Note: This week’s piece is not a cutesie story from the corners of my life, rather, a mash-up of some philosophical ponderings that have been floating aimlessly within me. One of the ways I like to strengthen my emotional intelligence (feels less like homework and more like vacation) is through watching TV, or reading books. To study how people interact, support, fight, or react to one another is a great way to act as a fly on the wall- to learn what to do, or what not to do in my own relationships. This piece takes a magnifying glass to relationships, collaboration, and the creative process. Inspired by Prime series, Daisy Jones and The Six.

Over the weekend, I read a piece on the death of empathy by my sparkling mirror of a friend,

Mesa Fama

. Her piece was published in divine timing as I have been hovering over a tab on my laptop to Calm.com - explaining exactly what an empath is, and how to tell if you are one. I even had it linked to my last newsletter before deciding to write about something else completely. I also want to take a moment to thank my friend and fellow writer,

Andrew Lynch

, for inspirational conversation around the creative process and our mutual favorite author on it: Elizabeth Gilbert (Big Magic).

I think most empaths know, or, have formed some kind of internal, instinctive understanding of what being an empath means. It’s more than a cerebral understanding; it’s a full-body sensation, to practice empathy.

Empathy plays a huge factor in emotional intelligence. Especially, the fourth pillar of EQ; Relationship Management. When this publication was called Dear People Pleasers, I warned my fellow pleasers in recovery about engaging in too much empathy, because it can often lead to broken boundaries and burnout.

The Calm article perfectly articulates what an Empath is:

“An empath is someone with an exceptional ability to sense the emotions of those around them. It goes beyond empathy, which involves understanding and sharing another person’s feelings. Instead, empaths experience these emotions on a much deeper level, as intensely as if the emotions were their own- detecting subtle emotional shifts and understanding unspoken feelings.

Their ability to connect with others' emotions often leads empaths to form deep, meaningful relationships. But, it also means they can be susceptible to emotional fatigue and stress.”

I feel that many of us empaths turn to creativity as an outlet, to express the spectrum of emotional shifts in ourselves and those around us. Artists are all just a bunch of sappy deep feelers! We seek somewhere to PUT all the feelings. We channel our emotions and those of others that we feel with and for them into art, food, music, and novels, etc.

Over the years, I have “managed” relationships where I show up and absorb the emotional shifts in the room, and react based on what I sense is needed in that moment. This makes me easy-going, dependable, and a known nurturer.

What I haven’t managed well, is the emotional fatigue. Stress. Burnout. While my relationships have remained strong because I claim purpose in showing up- I have taught myself not to need anything back. I’ve learned that many empaths function this way, too.

And this is where the art comes in. We may not be asking other people to process with us, but we do turn to an outlet, and the creations born from an empath’s canister of undeveloped film - it’s typically the kind of art that resonates most deeply with humanity. “What’s most personal is most universal,” Says therapist Carl R. Rogers. And that’s because when artists can create something that authentically displays experiences, perspectives, and emotions, it’s almost universally relatable because it taps into fundamental human experiences.

I recently finished Amazon Prime series, Daisy Jones and The Six. The show is based on the book (same title) by Taylor Jenkins Reid. The whole thing is rumored to be loosely based on the life of Stevie Nicks. I thought about doing a review of emotional intelligence on the characters of the show as my piece here for this week- but not everyone has seen it, and I wouldn’t be able to write that without massive spoilers, so, I’m going to share a bit about the art made in the show instead.

Daisy and Billy Dunne, the lead singers of the band- are also responsible for writing their own songs. Song writing, like any writing, takes empathy, and understanding of the human experience, and condenses that understanding into something tangible, words that can be sung, shared, and felt.

Daisy and Billy are not in a romantic relationship, but they clearly have a connection that goes beyond whatever a physical relationship would define them as. Before each other, they both wrote their own songs for themselves, alone. The opening quote of this piece asks us to consider our soulmates as mirrors. On and off stage, Daisy and Billy reflected parts of themselves to each other that they may or may not have been aware of. When they met and joined forces, they had to learn how to collaborate on a creative process together- and that’s an incredibly vulnerable and intimate thing to do.

Think about whatever it is that you craft. If you’re a fellow writer, painter, seamstress, photographer- whatever it is that you channel creative energy from- that space that you enter when you are working with forces larger than yourself…imagine sharing that space with someone else. How could you not fall in love with someone in that space? Not restricted to romantic love, I’m talking about the bigger, more expansive, encapsulating kind of Love. In my head, this measure of Love is where humans return after shedding our temporary vehicles. Sharing your creative process to me, means sharing a slice of Big Love, with another.

I can’t say that I’ve been brave enough to enter that space. While I pride myself on the levels of empathy I can feel for others, that pride works against me, because I have a really hard time turning the tables. Letting others in, to empathize with me. To see me. I’ve always walked my creative endeavors alone, communing with Big Love by myself.

My whole life I’ve appreciated arts and crafts. Some of my earliest memories can be traced back to coloring. As I got a bit older I started making “magazines” with cardstock and torn pictures to make collages. At community college, I took a creative writing class that enchanted me, and for a while, poetry was the way I expressed myself. Then I went through a period of pouring paint and resin. After my son was born it was polymer clay. I don’t remember exactly when it was that I found my way back to writing, but I don’t need to claim it as my one and only portal into the spiritual connection that crafting has always brought me.

One of my favorite kinds of conversations revolves around learning what your passion, or purpose is. I LOVE when people have found what it is that they wake up for every day, and hear about how you have relentlessly pursued that raison d'être above all else. I’ve come to discover that not many people live this way- myself included. Life catches up to us. We have bills to pay. Responsibilities. I’m hoping to plug back in, and reconnect to the part of me who would retreat to a coloring book with some washable markers for connection and regulation.

One of my goals in this life is to dedicate time towards exploring how the pursuit of the creative process connects us to one another, something larger, and eventually, back to ourselves. To all of you who have done that, or are doing it now, my hat’s off to you. You are so brave in my eyes.

From my philosophical fishing pond to your tackle box,

xX kaylen alexandra Xx

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Thanks so much for swimming in my pond of thoughts today. I hope to render a couple more deep dives into the creative process with you here soon. In the meantime, I am looking to read stories about passion, purpose, and of course, the creative process. My top three favorite reads on the subject include: Big Magic by Liz Gilbert, The Creative Act by Rick Rubin, and The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. If you have any new suggestions, or write on this topic yourself, please do share!