Oh, Please!
Interview with Harini Goteti | vol. 007
Welcome to Oh, Please!—where reformed (or at least reforming) people-pleasers spill the tea on learning to live their own lives without apologizing for breathing. Breaking the habit of putting everyone else first is no joke, and I’m eternally grateful to these brave souls for sharing their journey back to sanity right here at DPP. Trust me, you don’t want to miss this series—subscribe and cheer on these heroes as they finally learn to say “no” without a panic attack!
“When you live true to your internal atmosphere, every moment is a moment of self-care.”
-Harini Goteti
Happy March & Women’s History Month, Dear People Pleasers!
We are kicking off this month with an interview I have gone back to read several times since it was shared with me. I am excited to place it in front of you, and even more excited at the prospect of conversation that may be inspired by Harini’s words.
I’m going to let her interview answer questions about who she is, and how Harini operates on Earth. Enjoy!
Welcome to DPP, Harini! Can you please share when you realized your "yes reflex" was becoming a problem? Where were you, and what was the incident that made you think, “Wait…why am I baking 100 cupcakes for Karen's third cousin's cat’s birthday?”
Happened both in my personal and professional life with the realisation that the yes demanded more yes’s. It also made me, in my opinion, invisible, because I was not truly occupying a footprint, rather just being available whether I wanted to or not. The awareness that a choice to not always be available was foreign for me. The hope was reciprocity, to feel seen, appreciated, understood, maybe at the core of it all, to truly belong. What happened in reality more often than not was that it achieved the opposite.
It also placed me in a place of not truly taking ownership for my life experience. This includes perhaps being more of an advocate for what I believed in, how I perceived my worth, being a more active operator of the lived experience. The interpretation of conditioning, societies, and cultures creates a nice, sensible explanation for this. It is important, to mention that it also started showing up physically as anxiety, overwhelm, depression, and chronic pain from stretching myself too thin. Note, this did not happen with everyone, the truly dear friends, and family, and colleagues really appreciated and elevated me in my life. And I have nothing but gratitude and love for them. They are my life force.
Do you have any Mentors/Gurus/Greek Philosophers who have supported you on your journey? Tell us about them.
Yes, there are a few. First, my parents, offered steady guidance and unrelenting support. They have been on my side, always. What I find truly remarkable is their ability to find it within them, the ability to understand and see our side, this transcended the generation gap so often that it left me in awe. Next, my darling sister, she and I have leaned on each other all our lives. She always knows exactly what’s best for me, fights for me, and I hope I do too. My grandparents, my grandfather, a truly remarkable man, a great professor, and a loving grandparent who doted on me. My grandmother, told me stories, plaited my hair, made so many snackies for me, offered me unconditional love, still does. She truly embodies goodness and what it is to be filled with love and light. Their home was my favourite place. The home that shows up in all my best dreams. My Uni professors, who saw me and helped me by providing guidance, empathy, and mentorship. My grandfather’s students, and professor, who took keen interest in mentoring me, offered a lot of empathy and kindness along with valuable advice and support.
And of course, my friends and best colleagues, they are my grounding influence, are part of my life in its best and not so great times. They offered me time, kindness, a refuge to heal, and invaluable support.
How did it feel the first time you said ‘no’ and didn’t follow it up with an apology? Was it like discovering a superpower, or did it make you want to hide under a blanket?
The first ever real no I said was extremely uncomfortable, it left me anxious and on edge for days and weeks. Saying no became more and more of a requirement as I got into my late 20s and now early 30s. Initially, I had more of an anger/resentment-based reaction to why I was saying no, later, it left me feeling depressed. Gradually, the process became more normalised. It didn’t truly become something that can be done guilt and anxiety-free until last year, after I had absolutely dropped to the last rung of my physical and mental endurance. The fascinating thing about it is, that it left me with the one thing I needed desperately for myself and had in plenty to spare for others, “compassion and empathy”.
It was a process to get here, and it feels amazing! The outlook at this point transformed into taking every decision by asking myself, “do I want to do this?” It became a minute effort. For instance, if there was a conversation which would possibly lead to disagreements, I ask myself, “do I have the bandwidth to have this conversation?”. If an invitation to go out does not agree with my state at the time, I ask myself, “Will I pay for this after coming home? Will I pay for this in sensory overload which I dislike? Or is this something I am keen to do?”.
My perspective has shifted inwards, every response starts with, is this worth pulling energy out my life force?
More often than not, the answer is; no.
Depending on my internal atmosphere, I take a call. It is empowering indeed. I have observed several positive changes in me, my stress levels are lower, I have become more present. I am enjoying the things I choose to do.
When you feel yourself slipping back into people-pleasing tendencies, what do you do to reset, besides searching Zillow for the cheapest deserted island?
Unfortunately, it happens at a speed that slips past my cognitive awareness. The awareness itself, I can only go so far with it. When I do slip into it, I usually think after the fact, with self-compassion, that it is what it is. Obviously with people pleasing comes self-abandonment, so, the response becomes, oh, I am not leaving myself behind again.
I take it from there.
I also stay mindful of over apologising and minimizing a stated opinion or reaction or response. More often than not, the dissonance comes, really from that dismissal, when in reality, it is truly truly justified. Dr. Rick Hanson talks about having your locus of validation internal to you, don’t remember the exact narrative, this is an interpretation.
Since you stopped being an expert “yes-person,” what’s been your biggest self-care indulgence (and how much do you love it)?
Wow, this is a great question. I do not believe there is a self-care indulgence, it just becomes living life to the best of my abilities by staying true to my dharma and values.
Often, self-care is spoken about as something we do after being worn down by the day or week or so on. When you live true to your internal atmosphere, every moment is a moment of self-care.
If you could give one piece of advice to fellow recovering people pleasers, what would it be (besides faking bad cell reception)?
Dear people pleasers, do not dismiss your reactions to things. Even if they feel out of proportion, have the belief that they are truly valid. Even if you do find yourself dismissing or over apologising, find a moment of compassion for yourself. You have plenty of it handy, trust me. Be okay with occupying a footprint.
RAPID FIRE ROUND:
Kryptonite. What (or who) is yours when it comes to pleasing?
Obviously, my parents, grandparents. Everyone I have tried to please in the past had various versions of projections of these folks.
Do you have a favorite Book or TV Show/Film?
Favourite book: David Copperfield
Favourite show: Pride and Prejudice from the nineties.
Is there anything that you WISHED I ask you, but didn’t, that you would like to share here? Final words, advice, questions, comments, concerns? Anything goes.
Dear people pleasers, saying no is a slow process, it will cause a lot of dissonance and discomfort in your very being. But it is worth the journey. Do not look at it as some destination, it is a learn and grow kind of thing, just let it flow, try compassion focused meditation, and loving kindness. They helped me a lot.
Where can we find you and your work from here?
https://www.linkedin.com/in/harinigoteti
Thank you for sharing such great wisdom with us here at DPP, Harini! Readers, please be sure to check her LinkedIn- if you are over there!
At the risk of being redundant, I leave you where we started with a quote from Harini that now lives on my desk:
“When you live true to your internal atmosphere, every moment is a moment of self-care.”
-Harini Goteti
Wishing you a regulated internal atmosphere,
K. Alexandra
🐣 P.S. RECOVERING PEOPLE-PLEASERS: If you would like to be interviewed I would LOVE to have you! Please submit your contact information (safely) here: Interview Me! 🐞
"Is this worth pulling energy out my life force?" 🔥 Such a timely question for us all.
You’ll love my substack. Thanks for this! ““When you live true to your internal atmosphere, every moment is a moment of self-care.”
-Harini Goteti