Welcome to Oh, Please!—where reformed (or at least reforming) people-pleasers spill the tea on learning to live their own lives without apologizing for breathing. Breaking the habit of putting everyone else first is no joke, and I’m eternally grateful to these brave souls for sharing their journey back to sanity right here at DPP. Trust me, you don’t want to miss this series—subscribe and cheer on these heroes as they finally learn to say “no” without a panic attack!
Joking aside, saying no has always felt like an exhale… after the initial ‘oh-my-god-I-cannot-actually-say-no-all-on-meltdown’ has passed.
-Megan Lee
Friends, if you are in need of a good laugh, or inspiration, or both, stay right where you are.
The incredible and hilarious
, author of here on Substack is gracing us with her presence and wisdom today!Megan and I met here, on Substack (where else??) earlier this year. I knew immediately that she was not like any other writer I have read before. She is able to take serious, contemplative concepts, and turn them into a laugh factory with her down-to-earth storytelling and gigantic heart.
Like all our “Oh, Please” interviewees’, I was equal parts grateful and dumbfounded when Megan agreed to participate here. I will never get over the glee of working with fellow writers!
About her:
Some people call her Megan. But her friends call her funny, her kid calls her moooomm!!!!!, her ex calls her bitch, and she calls herself Jim Carrey in female form.
When she’s not writing her little heart out over at her Shame Sandwich newsletter trying to expunge all of the shame she’s been carrying her entire life (what’s that, you didn’t have a cult-ish childhood?) you can find her dancing in her home office (fancy for: small portion of her bedroom) swearing profusely at bad drivers, or trying and failing at being the worlds best single mom.
Her dream is to one day spend an entire day eating popcorn. And be a published author with a side of comedian.
Welcome to DPP, Megan! Can you please share when you realized your "yes reflex" was becoming a problem? Where were you, and what was the incident that made you think, “Wait…why am I baking 100 cupcakes for Karen's third cousin's cat’s birthday?”
It’s definitely been a problem my entire life (hello: childhood) but it wasn’t until my 20’s that I realized oh shit, this is a problem. And it certainly rears its ugly disheveled head around men and dating.
This is ridiculously embarrassing to admit but… a couple of years ago I went on a first date with a man on Valentine’s Day (yes, V-Day of all the days!!!) and we were hitting it off pretty well initially, but as the date went on, he started to get super touchy feely. Not so much in a creepy way, but more in an over-the-top too much too soon way. Why NO, I don’t want to hold your hand in the bar or have you literally plastered at my side!!!
And the worst part of all, when he walked me to my car, he proceeded to make out with me in the worst makeout session I have ever encountered in my life. 😳 It was not unlike being repeatedly jabbed by a tongue woodpecker. Did I mention it was also approximately Antarctica Degrees out that night and I was freeeeeeeeeeeeezing? I was the opposite of turned on. And yet? I just went along with it because I didn’t want to make the situation “uncomfortable”. Somewhere in the distance, cupid was shuttering in horror.
Do you have any Mentors/Gurus/Greek Philosophers who have supported you on your journey? Tell us about them.
Absolutely! I looooove reading, and I consider so many authors that I’ve read and learned from to be my own personal mentors. 🥹
Jen Cincero has to be my OG mentor from afar! She was that first person for me who truly embodied being herself… and not giving any f*cks. I highly recommend her book: You are a Badass. It will forever be one of my favorite books.
How did it feel the first time you said ‘no’ and didn’t follow it up with an apology? Was it like discovering a superpower, or did it make you want to hide under a blanket?
Like being zapped by lighting in my bum-hole. Horrible but electric. But still horrible. 😂
Joking aside, saying no has always felt like an exhale… after the initial ‘oh-my-god-I-cannot-actually-say-no-all-on-meltdown’ has passed. The good news is that the more I practice my ‘saying no’ muscle, the more I strengthen it and I think it gets a teeeeeeeny tiny bit easier to say no the next time I need to say no.
When you feel yourself slipping back into people-pleasing tendencies, what do you do to reset, besides searching Zillow for the cheapest deserted island?
Get some perspective! Remember my why. Remember my worth. Remember I’m a whole, perfectly perfect human who can say no.
And… remember how HORRIBLE it feels to not say no. See: ‘The Horrible Makeout Disaster’ above. Sometimes pain/adversity/hard times really is the best teacher.
Since you stopped being a professional “yes-person,” what’s been your biggest self-care indulgence (and how much do you love it)?
Taking time for fun is so important!!! When I let myself, I have such a ridiculous, goofy fun side to me, and I love that about myself. Keeping in touch with our inner child is so very important. In fact, have you ever witnessed a little kid who had ZERO problems saying no to anything that did not please them? Those little humans are experts at NOT being people pleasers. 😂 And I love that!
And so getting in touch with my playful, silly, ‘inner child’ side allows me to a) have fun, and b) remind myself that I am worthy just as I am, and that means I am worthy of saying no, too.
If you could give one piece of advice to fellow recovering people pleasers, what would it be (besides faking bad cell reception)?
Put your oxygen mask on first. 🥹
There is absolutely nothing selfish about taking care of yourself. You will forever stay stuck if you are constantly putting everyone's needs above your own.
RAPID FIRE ROUND:
Kryptonite. What (or who) is yours when it comes to pleasing?
Basically anyone. 🥲 Saying ‘no’ feels as comfortable as wearing cactus leggings.
Although if I had to get more specific, I would say anyone who has fancy degrees, successful careers, or: men. That can send me into a people-pleasing tailspin real quick.
Do you have a favorite Book or TV Show/Film? This is purely out of my selfish curiosity and does not need to be about people-pleasing or self-care.
I recently read The Alice Network by Kate Quinn and a more perfect book could not be found. If you love historical fiction with INCREDIBLE character development and chemistry and ALL THE FEELS, you will inhale this book like I did. Still in mourning that it’s over!
Is there anything that you wish I had asked you but didn't that you would like to share here? Final words, advice, questions, comments, concerns? Anything goes.
Thank you so very much for the chance to chat about this, and share my experiences! 💕 This is a topic near and dear to my heart, and while I’m still on this journey of becoming a recovered people pleaser, I’ve realized that I’m just as deserving of love and respect as anyone else. And the more I remember and believe that beautiful truth, the more I can put my oxygen mask on first, and say no to the things that aren’t in alignment with me. Here’s to living a life that lights us up!
Where can we find you and your work from here?
Substack:
Thank you for interviewing on DPP Megs! Everyone go have the laugh of your life over on her newsletter. You deserve it!
See you all again here soon,
K. Alexandra
🚨 P.S. RECOVERING PEOPLE-PLEASERS: If you would like to be interviewed I would LOVE to have you! Please submit your contact information (safely) here: Interview Me! 🐞
Yesss, I’ve been saying airplane rules for years! I even have a pair of earrings with two frames of the oxygen mask explanation as the dangles. Sadly, it’s far easier said than done. I don’t know why it is so difficult to remember to fill my own cup first, or put my own oxygen mask on first…. Though I’m learning that spending time alone, without interference from anyone else is helping me discover my center, where MY needs and desires live. Keep on keeping on, Megan!
Love it, great interview!! My wife read You are a Badass and it inspired her to go to law school right after COVID for HR Law.