Welcome to Oh, Please!—where reformed (or at least reforming) people-pleasers spill the tea on learning to live their own lives without apologizing for breathing. Breaking the habit of putting everyone else first is no joke, and I’m eternally grateful to these brave souls for sharing their journey back to sanity right here at DPP. Trust me, you don’t want to miss this series—subscribe and cheer on these heroes as they finally learn to say “no” without a panic attack!
I am so excited to bring you Dear People Pleaser’s first interview with none other than my very first Substack friend,
!
It is so fitting that Mesa is our first interviewee, being that she was the first (of many) Lovelet friends I have made since joining the Substack community:
. Fun Fact: I was AT THIS VERY EVENT pictured above, listening to Liz, sharing an audience with Mesa, back in February at the San Diego Balboa Theatre. I had not met Mesa just yet, but knowing we were in the same space really warms my heart.Mesa is brilliant,
Lastly, I realize that today is Election Day. Tensions are high for most of us in the United States, and everyone on the outside looking in- we realize it seems like an absurd joke. I would like to thank Mesa, for being the reason I have decided to Vote today. She is brave enough to write about politics, and because of that, at least one more vote will be cast in today’s election.
Now on to our interview: Oh, Please!
Welcome to DPP Mesa! Can you please share when you realized your "yes reflex" was becoming a problem? Where were you, and what was the incident that made you think, “Wait…why am I baking 100 cupcakes for Karen's third cousin's cat’s birthday?”
A few months ago, I started to notice that I was feeling drained by about 5pm every day because I couldn’t tear myself away from emails or texts or social media messages/comments etc. I had to stop and really look at how it was impacting my energy levels. I have since learned to stop being super responsive to ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME. I’m very selective with my time now, I give it when I can or when I have the bandwidth.
Do you have any Mentors/Gurus/Greek Philosophers that have supported you on your journey? Tell us about them.
YOU! And Liz Gilbert! You and she are my sheroes. Through her divulging of needing a break from her phone, she brought to light what our relationships are like with technology and that is what prompted me to really examine where I was feeling drained. People pleasing 24/6 instead of 24/7.. teehee. But in all seriousness, curbing my people pleasing ways by letting myself breathe has been a game changer and a lot of that is because of the awareness she and YOU, dear K, have taught me.
How did it feel the first time you said ‘No’ and didn’t follow it up with an apology? Was it like discovering a superpower, or did it make you want to hide under a blanket?
You mean, I don’t have to apologize for saying no?... I mean, the first time I just said NO as a complete sentence was.. I don’t think I’ve ever said no as a complete sentence, I think I always follow it up with something. OMG, what a terrible revelation. I take that back, I’m okay with telling my husband no to things without excuse or apology. Usually it’s a simple, no, I just don’t want to do that, and he doesn’t push or make me feel bad. I know that I can tell my very best friend Tiffany “no” and she won’t care too. But how weird that I still get a twinge of guilt when I do!!
When you feel yourself slipping back into people-pleasing tendencies, what do you do to reset, besides searching Zillow for the cheapest deserted island?
I typically will take stock of how I’m feeling about my relationship to that person that I feel like I’m constantly having to be pleasing to. Am I afraid of them? Am I afraid to be myself around them? Am I tired and hungry and just need chocolate? Once I’ve walked myself through those questions, my reset is to challenge myself to put up a boundary with said person or environment or experience.
Since you stopped being a professional “yes-person,” what’s been your biggest self-care indulgence (and how much do you love it)?
TIME! Taking time for myself to read or write or watch my comfort shows like Hell’s Kitchen, The Great British Bake Off, or Love is Blind (I cannot with that show – I thoroughly enjoy psychoanalyzing them and trying to guess who will work and who won’t).
If you could give one piece of advice to fellow recovering people pleasers, what would it be (besides faking bad cell reception)?
Once you’ve decided not to please every single person on the planet – celebrate yourself!! Also - If the people in your life can’t accept your newfound boundaries, maybe that’s the sign to reevaluate if they should be in your life.
RAPID FIRE ROUND:
Kryptonite. What (or who) is yours when it comes to pleasing?
My boss..ugh. Mostly because he pays me, so I have to be pleasing, but man there are times when I’d love to tell him NO THANK YOU SIR.
Do you have a favorite Book or TV Show/Film? This is purely out of curiosity and does not need to be about people-pleasing or self-care.
I have so many.. I think my most favorite shows that I can always watch are Friends, My So-Called Life, The Great British Bake Off, The Haunting of Hill House, Gilmore Girls, and Dawson’s Creek. I am a nostalgia junky! I love all things Practical Magic series (books and movie(s) the 2nd one is due out next year I believe!). I am a magic nerd, so give me The Discovery of Witches (books and series) any day of the week!
Is there anything that you WISHED I had asked you, but didn't, that you would like to share here? Final words, advice, questions, comments, concerns? Anything goes.
Final comment - I am so happy to be part of your community, K! You’re doing an amazing job and have taught us all so much. Everyone who’s a recovering people pleaser should follow you!!
How can we stay up to date with you? Where do we find one another on the world-wide-web? Come follow me on Substack:
Also, if you like Tiny Love Stories – I’ve got two in the New York Times! Here’s the most recent:
Latest TLS:
Original TLS:
Thank you SO much, Magical Mesa- for being part of my life, for bringing your voice to Dear People-Pleasers, and for being the ray of LIGHT that you are for so many. I appreciate you!
With love,
K. Alexandra
P.S. If you would like to be interviewed I would LOVE to have you! Please submit your contact information (safely) here: Interview Me!
This was the BEST! It felt like sitting down with two great friends and receiving the most sage advice. I NEEDED THIS TODAY! (I'm not yelling, I'm fine.) 🙋♀️💙
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