Oh, Please!
Interview with Amy Gabrielle 🌶️ 🪭 | vol. 003
Welcome to Oh, Please!—where reformed (or at least reforming) people-pleasers spill the tea on learning to live their own lives without apologizing for breathing. Breaking the habit of putting everyone else first is no joke, and I’m eternally grateful to these brave souls for sharing their journey back to sanity right here at DPP. Trust me, you don’t want to miss this series—subscribe and cheer on these heroes as they finally learn to say “no” without a panic attack!
“Life is too precious and too short to waste trying to make other people like you or love you.”
-Amy Gabrielle
Buckle up for the spiciest author interview, with the sweetest writer and mother doing it all on her own:
.Amy and I met over at
this year, and I think that everyone who knows her over there would agree that she is a special soul. As an introvert, shy gal, and all around prude, authors like Amy show me a WHOLE NEW WORLD exists within the very world I exist…and that embracing sexuality is not actually the worst. **For anyone who disagrees, let this be your sign to close your eyes for her portrait, or pivot to your next read. Recovering people-pleasers are here to learn how to shed shame, embrace our true selves, and celebrate the differences amongst ourselves- making for a beautiful & diverse population of people in recovery from external validation.About Her:
Amy Gabrielle is a widowed mother exploring the intersection of sexuality and grief as a catalyst for growth after catastrophic loss. She explores her own post-traumatic growth, breaking barriers and stereotypes with photographic self-portraits and videos. She provides her audience with a provocative look at the expression of midlife sexuality that is rarely found in today’s popular culture and social media. A native New Yorker, Amy graduated from Rutgers University with a BA in Art History and holds an MA in Visual Arts Administration from NYU. Most recently she was the program administrator for the Brown Institute, Columbia Journalism School. The Institute was created through a gift by the late Helen Gurley Brown, editor at Cosmopolitan Magazine, as a grantmaking organization supporting journalists using innovative new media to report today’s most compelling stories.
Now that you are all awake 💥 🌶️ 🚨
Welcome back to Oh, Please!
Welcome to DPP, Amy! Can you please share when you realized your "yes reflex" was becoming a problem? Where were you, and what was the incident that made you think, “Wait…why am I baking 100 cupcakes for Karen's third cousin's cat’s birthday?”
I don't think I ever had a problem saying "no" - It's such a great word because it's also a full sentence! My people-pleasing took the form of self-censorship. I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable with my big opinions, and I was constantly afraid of being labeled "too much". I never wanted to be a problem for anyone, which I think stemmed from having childhood asthma and terrible allergies. My parents divorced when I was 5, so I lived mostly with my mom. I hated having to wake her in the middle of the night when I had asthma because I knew she was so tired. It sounds crazy to me as an adult, but as a child I thought, "It's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me."
Do you have any Mentors/Gurus/Greek Philosophers who have supported you on your journey? Tell us about them.
I'm going to stick to the recent past because I'm old and I know people don't have all day. I've had many widow grief coaches who have supported me over the last two years. These were twelve to sixteen-week group sessions with other widows where I learned so much about grief and grieving. Basically, there's no timeline and everyone processes their loss and trauma differently. I'm in a new group now that will meet over the holidays - I can't recommend these types of groups enough if you are suffering in isolation. In terms of my writing, I've been working with Dr. Lindsay Byron @lindsaybyron on Substack / Lux ATL @lux_atl on Instagram. She's an incredibly talented and driven woman with a big personality and a generous heart.
How did it feel the first time you said ‘no’ and didn’t follow it up with an apology? Was it like discovering a superpower, or did it make you want to hide under a blanket?
I'd apologize after stating a big opinion in a group meeting, especially in front of men. I still want to hide under a blanket after I post a controversial opinion piece on Substack, (which is basically everything). I start second-guessing myself, "Will this story make people feel too uncomfortable? What if I offend everyone and then they hate me?" Fun thoughts like that still plague me.
When you feel yourself slipping back into people-pleasing tendencies, what do you do to reset, besides searching Zillow for the cheapest deserted island?
Who told you about my Zillow surfing obsession?! In all seriousness, when I feel myself slipping back into self-censorship I remind myself that we only live once. My husband died three and a half years ago, so I know it's a privilege to still be alive and have a voice. I also feel like I've lived through many people's worst nightmare (mine included) so even if I posted a story and everyone hated it, and hated me, I know I'd survive. I've survived much worse.
Since you stopped being a professional “yes-person,” what’s been your biggest self-care indulgence (and how much do you love it)?
I am extremely grateful that my husband and I had/have life insurance so when he died I was left in a financially secure position. I know this isn't accessible for everyone, but as a single mom I periodically indulge in a night in a fancy hotel in my hometown, New York City. I order room service, take a bath, and just relax. I will hire a sitter to stay overnight with my son (12) so this isn't an inexpensive indulgence, but it restores me so I can come home and be a better mom.
If you could give one piece of advice to fellow recovering people pleasers, what would it be (besides faking bad cell reception)?
Life is too precious and too short to waste trying to make other people like you or love you. We have this false sense of control, as if we can only do or be the right thing, then we will find acceptance and love. The bad news is that we can't control anyone else's thoughts, feelings or actions. The great news is that we can control those things within our own bodies and minds. We get to choose how we react to the harsh realities in life and pour all the love and respect we were trying to get from others back into ourselves.
RAPID FIRE ROUND:
Kryptonite. What (or who) is yours when it comes to pleasing?
My son. I'm a pushover.
Do you have a favorite Book or TV Show/Film? This is purely out of my selfish curiosity and does not need to be about people-pleasing or self-care.
I'm a Star Wars / Star Trek nerd.
Is there anything that you wish I had asked you but didn't that you would like to share here? Final words, advice, questions, comments, concerns? Anything goes.
Don't put off living your truth. Of course do it in a way that feels safest for you, take care of yourself first. I just know from experience that we don't have unlimited time, which is truly a blessing. How could it be so precious if it were never-ending?
Where can we find you and your work from here?
Oh, K! I love you so much! You can find me here on Substack at amygabrielle.substack.com or on Instagram @jenny.manhattan.milf.
Thank you for interviewing on DPP dearest Amy- you are such an inspirational woman, and mother. I am deeply grateful to your open mind and heart!
See you all again here soon,
K. Alexandra
🚨 P.S. RECOVERING PEOPLE-PLEASERS: If you would like to be interviewed I would LOVE to have you! Please submit your contact information (safely) here: Interview Me! 🐞
Amy, you’re even more amazing than I thought! I, too, have that impulse to self-censor on Substack and IRL. I keep thinking “I’ll lose subscribers if I publish that!” And then I think, “So what.” You are a total rockstar. Navigating grief is the toughest thing I’ve ever done. We all have our own ways of doing it, and none of them are easy. But neither are they wrong or bad. Love you so much!🫶❤️💕
Love all of this, K and Amy! I applaud your self-indulgance- single mothers need this so much. And your loud opinions and hot photographs have helped me embrace my needs and wants more and more. Thank you for living and writing and showing up so honestly, Amy!