Networking 101: People-Pleasers Edition

Why all four pillars of EQ are required in these social settings

Welcome to DPP, a weekly newsletter about the real life trials and tribulations of pleasing, and how to leverage emotional intelligence for proper recovery. Letters land on Tuesdays, please allow me a first class seat with your inbox?

Happy Tuesday!

I’m back from my “vacation” and we won’t be speaking of it. I’ll refer to the past week as my Covid & Cramps era. That is all.

The good news is, illness could not stop me from finding a spark of inspiration to write about- which is what today’s letter will be all about.

Also, last week, in the Notes of this very app, I shamefully wished myself a happy birthday and invited anyone out there, to subscribe - and some of you did?! That really did make the last week worth it. Welcome to Dear People Pleasers- I hope you all stick around!

There I am…asking away!

Your network is your net worth. -Porter Gale

Today I want to talk about Networking. Which you may feel is a breeze for people-pleasers, depending on how extroverted you are. In-person, face-to-face networking requires A LOT of emotional intelligence. New readers- please consider this your heads up that we talk about EQ here.

In-person networking requires us to leverage ALL four pillars of EQ at once!!

Why would I say such a thing?

Because it’s true. And that’s what I do here.

Let’s imagine an event. Make it an event that you actually WANT to be at (introverts we can imagine silent retreats- or perhaps our networking events are all online so we can throw our laptops out the window as soon as our social battery warns us we’ve hit 10% life-force left.) While I am introverted, by imagining an event like a Substack Summit, or something in the world of publishing, I feel some sparks of joy and would want to be there. For you it might be a National Park Bear Survivor Meet-Up, or The Worn-Out-Mother’s-Hootenanny* (*this is an actual event that Priya Parker wrote about in The Art of Gathering). So long as you feel honestly inspired to go to your made-up networking event, we are well on our way. If you bail on your imaginary event, i’ll forgive you. I do it all the time.

Networking 101 for People-Pleasers

Here we are. At our imaginary events. Perhaps the same one…I like your shoes.

Recall when I shared that we must leverage all four pillars of emotional intelligence here? I was not lying. Let’s start with the first pillar.

1. Self-Awareness. A must. If you are expecting to make any real connections here, you are going to need to talk about…YOU. Who are you? What makes you memorable? Why is the apple-martini-slurpin’-Big 5 Publisher Guy going to remember YOU after this event is over?? You need to come to the table aware of your strengths, with a few stories in your back pocket-you need to know yourself to sell yourself. (We will circle back here before the end of our lesson today, please hold onto those questions)

2. Self-Management. Second pillar of EQ. In a crowd of total strangers, you are likely going to hear some things that you don’t agree with. Don’t give me that side-eye, Granny! It’s true. Think about the state of the world today, and think about all the opinions of all the people who inhabit it, with you. A bunch of genius’s -amiright? Chances are, you will hear something out of alignment with your values, OR if you’re like me- you will embarrass the living-dead out of yourself in front of everyone else. These triggering situations require that we self-manage. How do you regulate in a crowd? Breath work? Run for the hills? I try to pin down the voice in my head that is popping OFF. Listen for her, identify target, then, simply sit on her. She can’t talk when she can’t breathe. After I have squashed the sour voice in my head, I may excuse myself to the nearest Ladies Room to re-set. Feel free to borrow this.

3. Social Awareness. All about knowing how to read the room, our third pillar of EQ really kicks in strong at these events. What is the vibe of the room? Is there someone that most people have flocked to? Why? What are they saying that is so enticing? Is there anyone in the room trying desperately to become one with the walls? Your wallflower is probably the most interesting person there- don’t miss your opportunity to connect just because that guy from The Bachelor decided to make an appearance and share why he didn’t marry her with the crowd, today. *As people-pleasers, it’s easy to be drawn to the largest voice in the room, because we often forget to think for ourselves. Don’t let a commanding presence hypnotize you for the entire evening. Set a timer on your phone if you need a physical reminder to MOVE ALONG.

4. Relationship Management. So, I might be stretching the last pillar a bit here, because most RM is practiced with those we actually have established relationships with. People we already care about, and even though I wear my heart on my sleeve, I likely will not leave this networking event truly LOVING each and every one of you. Which means I will not be managing our relationship. I will be forgetting you existed to ruminate over the Big 5 Publisher Guy. What we CAN do with our fresh connections, is start CLEAN. People-Pleasers, don’t jump into an introduction 100% devoted to this newbie. We don’t yet know enough about them. Yes, validation seekers- that means you sit down too. Show up, actively listen (which btw, means listen to understand what you are hearing, not to reply with why you are perfect for the next season of The Bachelor). Be genuine. It is okay to be kind, but don’t jump to Pleasing, simply because you think it is the only reason you will be remembered. A great way to manage new relationships is to FOLLOW UP. Get that business card, or, email or QR code…whatever. Find a way to stay in touch with the newbies in your life that you actually enjoyed meeting, and follow up with them! This is entry level relationship-management- but it still counts.

Networking Introductions

I’m sure you know when meeting someone new, your name is going to come in handy.

This little tip on introductions is a TOUGH one, but once you crack it- you can use it for every event you attend from now until the end of time.

The formula looks like this:

1. Hi my name is _______

2. I work for ____ or I am working on _____

3. Enter something memorable about YOU, here

This is actually more difficult that you would think. I have been chewing on this for over a week. I have asked some people in my circle “what is memorable about me??” I’m coming up vanilla. “oh, you are so nice!” GREAT. NICE. I’m SURE Big 5 Publisher Guy will board his flight thinking about the great book deal he will land with “Ms. Nice Gal”…

For now, the most memorable thing about me, is that I am not memorable at all, and hopefully, some of you remember that.

What memorable introduction stories do you have? Did you also decide to eat tuna, on PB&J Tuesday? Do you keep dog-treats in your backpack in the event you meet a cutie on a walk? If you could fly, or breathe under water- would you be soarin’ too?

Let’s use this moment to strengthen our Self-Awareness, and select a few things about ourselves that are both genuine, and memorable.

If you have any networking tips to share with me, or us, please join the comments, or email me, or show up at my house. Clearly, I could use your help.

Thanks so much for tuning in!

Until we meet again (don’t worry- I’ll let you make up the imaginary networking spot next time).

Love,

K. Alexandra

P.S. I would love to feature You!

🐞 If you are a recovering people-pleaser & know how to Network- show us how it’s done!! Please submit here: Reader Submissions 🐞