I'm Doing Something...Different (but not crazy)
Flexing Self-Awareness, and building Emotional Inner-Tubes
Dear People-Pleasers & howdy to my pals in recovery,
Last week, I heard the most incredible explanation of being an introvert EVER. A lady on TikTok (unfortunately I don’t remember her name and can’t find the video again) explained that it is so imperative for introverts to step “away from the pack” for time to self-reflect, discover our “true voice” and then re-join the pack to embody that version of ourselves. YES. THANK YOU KIND STRANGER. Being an introvert gets SUCH a bad rep. We are not shy, or stupid, or incapable. Plz go read Quiet, by Susan Cain. Let her convince you if you think I’m delusional. Introverts don’t hate people, and we are not socially inept. We make great leaders and friends. Being introverted means that our social battery drains out the longer we are with others- it doesn’t mean we don’t LOVE our time (especially 1:1 time) with our people. It means we need to RE-CHARGE, alone. Also- the pace at which our batteries drain, varies, per introvert. I am not the speaker on all Intro’s behalf.
But that’s not what today’s letter is about. That was just a PSA for anyone reading who may of needed a little WiFi-high-five around introversion.
Today- I’m sharing a personal story around emotional intelligence pillars 1 & 2. (Self-Awareness & Self- Management- but we know that by now, right?)
Also- I realize that most of my letters lately have been hyper-focused on the foundational pillars of EQ. They are not more important than Social Awareness or Relationship Management. I’ve said in previous letters that I feel too lazy to hyperlink here now (does anyone even click those things?) that people-pleasers typically have pretty strong abilities in the 3rd & 4th pillars of EQ- because we have spent much, if not all, of our lives looking outward, reading the room, and managing our relationships.
It’s critical on our journey back to ourselves to look inward- and practice self-awareness & management before we can graduate to the top tiers of EQ with a genuine authenticity towards the world. *Pivot back to the opening paragraph here- introverts need time away from the pack to reflect & discover our true voice. People-pleasers have cut all ties with our *true voices*, which is why going inward matters so much. We need to re-braid, those ties.
My research and letters here reflect where I am in my own recovery from pleasing, which has been a heavily inward-focused journey, hence all my letters being rooted in EQ pillars 1& 2 lately. Hopefully some of my discoveries are applicable to your own experience, & we may learn together.
With that, welcome to today’s letter!
Shout out to
for writing (one of) the most piercing newsletters I read last week. Bonnie’s writing reminded me of one of my all-time-favorite books: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Any Jonathan Safran-Foer fans out there?She also reminded me of his other book, Everything Is Illuminated, which I have known about for years- but never picked up. Being a HSP (highly sensitive person), I’ve considered the past 14 years since reading Extremely Loud, recovery time.
Don’t get me wrong, the emotional TURMOIL I experienced while reading that book was worth it- but it is extremely difficult for me to expose myself to the anguish of fictitious little Oskar Schell, and then go about my normal life. Yeah, no. I had been RUINED. I know that the book also became a major film starring Tom Hanks- but I won’t see it because the writing has impacted me to THAT degree… *there’s only one other book in the world that has moved me to my core that way. It also became a movie that I refuse to see, and I have talked about it here before- any guesses? ;)
I’ve been living in the limiting belief that I don’t have the luxury to be RUINED by a good FICTIONAL read to the point of being incapacitated with a toddler. or a husband. Or a job. Or school…
I’ve sheltered myself from the works of fiction- especially historical fiction out of necessity to keep up with my life. The Self-Help genre has been kinder, softer, educational (we love learning!!)…so much so that I have abandoned reading fiction completely as a protection mechanism!
Recently, this year, I became aware of my bellyflop into NF books, and I have decided that I will ALWAYS love them- and they will be there for me when I need them (that’s the best part about books!) BUT- I am not restricted to reading ONLY Personal Development/Business non-fiction works of art. I am allowed to genre-jump! IT’S OKAY! The water’s nice over there, too!
My “doing something different” is a tiny, small, pivot. It will likely impact 0 humans besides myself. I am going to open the door to fiction again, if you didn’t get that already.
So, circling back to Bonnie’s impact on my world with her reminder of Safran-Foer, and my new-found bravery self-awareness to dip my toe in the pool of fiction again- I ORDERD Everything Is Illuminated!! I am preparing to be emotionally emaciated by this read. Fourteen years after reading Extremely Loud, I am older and wiser (let me believe the later, please), and I have back up this time. I have EQ in my jam-pack now (this is a fanny-pack, but August calls it a jam-pack and we are sticking with it) and I can get curious about my feelings instead of going down with the Titanic when they arise.
This part- the getting curious, is known as self-management. We don’t have to let our feelings run our lives. We can question them, and explore what they are trying to tell us. Emotions = data (thanks Brene Brown!!) Figuring out why something makes us feel sad, or mad will tell us what is important to us. That “aha” moment, is the regulation. The liberation from feeling trapped by our emotional state.
I believe deeply in divine timing and feel that NOW is the TIME to dive in. (Do you work this way too?) Thank you again, Bonnie! I’ll be reporting back 😁
If you have read Everything Is Illuminated- no spoils. If you have not- consider joining me??
If you need convincing, here’s an excerpt from pg 2:
“If you want to know why so many girls want to be with me, it is because I am a very premium person to be with.”
Before you go, I love you so, and want to know: What is on your Summer Reading List? What is your GoC (Genre of Choice)?
Signing off with the reminder that you are premium-person vibes,
K. Alexandra
Extra Credit Resources:
Love it! My husband is a true introvert, and I spent years trying to "help" him (mainly to please the people around us, including my parents or other family members who wondered why he was so "quiet"). I have come to love that aspect of him so much, and I have become much more of an introvert myself as I have gone on through life.
Funny...I have always loved fiction and self-help/personal development books, and my husband only reads non fiction. I'm trying my hand at it by reading "Grandma Gatewood's Walk" and "Some Assembly Required" by Anne Lamott....which are both more memoirs but that's my bridge between personal development and NF. haha
Oops…. A link. :)