Don't Open Until You're Older

A letter for my son to read in 12 years

The Fifth Pillar is emotional intelligence with a pulse: think EQ in action, not theory. I outgrew my old title (Dear People Pleasers). Like shoes two sizes too small, it pinched. So I made room: The Fifth Pillar is where I can stretch, stumble, and grow.

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Dear reader,

I’ve been nostalgic lately. According to my mom, Mars is in Scorpio and this is not great news for us on Earth. I’ve been deep in my feelings. Introspective. Reflecting.

I thought I’d write something for my son. The memory that came forward below is an honest reflection of our past, also, a cheat code for how to cultivate healthy and rewarding relationships based on our own. I recently learned that Love is not the highest vibration on the planet. (You read that correctly.) I heard that higher than Love, vibrates Authenticity. That theme runs strong between my son and I. While this letter is meant for him to find one day, it’s also applicable to each of us. At least, in my book it is. I wrote the following in a stream of consciousness flow-state. It’s a bit raw and unedited - following the vibration of aUtHeNtIcIty ✨

Thanks for reading-and if you chat with my son- tell him his mom wrote him a letter to open when he’s older!

Xx

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We’re driving.

You’re screaming.

It’s been over 30 minutes.

non.

stop.

screaming.

You may think I’m concerned for your health

to which I’ll share

this fun little scenario

unfortunatly

is not

uncommon.

You’re between 1 and 2.

I’m between 30 and 31.

I’ve started a new job within the last six months

You-

a new daycare.

The commute from Ocean Beach to City Heights

to drop you off

into the hands of safety and warmth

costs a price

not only in dollars

but in energy.

The traffic.

The sitting & waiting.

The car-seat-screaming.

It really does, cost a soul-tax.

But I pay it-

because I love you so much.

Because I need to.

And because you need it, too.

A social little bugger.

You LOVE to talk to people!

The sunshine

to my

starlight.

You crave a social circle

and cherish

each

and

every

contact

as if they are just the most exciting person

on the face of the planet

each

and

every

time

You greet them.

Another twenty minutes pass

sitting bumper to bumper back home.

Your screaming

…has leashed mine.

Both of us-

hysterical.

Spirits anguished

depleted

parched

You realize I’m crying in tandem

and snap silent

after strenuous gulps of air

I hear

“I’m sorry, Mah-hiccup-Mahhhh”

Emotionally murdered,

I realize you’re gonna drag this baby out in a therapy session in around twelve to fourteen years.

I can hear it now:

“My perfectly innocent baby cries

induced my mother

to scream crying over me

in the car…”

Behind the wheel

I’m crying even harder

thinking that I’m scaring you with my big, emotional, blubbering reaction.

I help myself to a helping scoop of self-loathing

before pulling up to our cartoonishly-narrow street

park.

Exhale.

and realize:

It’s okay for you to see me experience a big feeling.

It’s okay for me to have an emotional reaction that’s not pretty.

You don’t need to be shielded from emotion

You need to be exposed

learn as you grow-

-the importance of how to feel and express

in a healthy way

and also how to hold space

for someone else to have a safe place

when the mask falls off

I unbuckle your safety seat.

I hold you in my arms.

Half in the car, half out we sit

chest to chest

Your sweaty arms around my neck

big gulps of air - both of us

we sit in hiccupping silence

recalibrating.

Finding our way back to each other

after a big feeling

… that’s the recipe…

Feel the feelings. let them leak out. let them overflow.

cry. cry. cry.

let you witness.

Then find our way back.

Reverse roles.

Repeat.

Build this foundation.

Build this foundation

and

our world becomes

a much

safer place.

I carry you inside.

We carry on with our evening.

Meanwhile-

the evening was always planned

to carry on

within me.

Fast forward two years.

You’re 4, almost 5.

I’m 34.

We still

find ourselves

swimming back to each other

after every wave

that dares to bump us overboard.

No matter the hurdle

we always

find

our

way

back.

& once we do

we are grateful to be there.

Thanks for being such a generous

hilarious

extroverted

emotionally intelligent

mentor.

I hope one day

You gain yourself

a mini mentor

and roll out the recipe

we created

in the blasted traffic

all those years ago.

xX kaylen alexandra Xx

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