Belonging Was My Religion. This Book Changed That.

Part 1 of 2

Welcome to DPP, a weekly newsletter about the real-life trials and tribulations of pleasing, and how I leverage emotional intelligence for proper recovery. Letters land on Tuesdays and sometimes surprise days, please consider me a first-class seat with your inbox?

Before we begin: I wanted to give a special wifi-high-five to Bonnie Solomon who wrote the book that changed things for me. Thank you so much, Bonnie, for showing me via Substack how to have a plan, see it through, and commit to our passions by writing Pearly Gates. I cherish your writing and friendship as a fellow Substacker. It means the world, and I appreciate you. ♥️

---

So yes, boo-hoo, cue tiny violins: meany-ice-queen me is officially demoting Belonging as my #1 core value.

Shocking, I know. If you always had a hunch that I was a bitch sly little fox who wanted you to feel safe around me... you were right. That’s part of it.

Being a people-pleaser is baked into me at a cellular level. I didn’t just value belonging—I curated it. Not for me. For you. So you’d feel comfy enough to be your true self around me. So you’d stay.

Did you catch that? I made my number one core value... about you.

But then Pearly, from upcoming book by

Bonnie Solomon

, called Pearly Gates said something that snapped me awake: “It’s about becoming more of who you already are.”

What’s about becoming more of who you already are, you ask? Good question. I took the advice to be about Life.

The whole point of being alive on Earth is to become more of who you already are. ✨

And with that single sentence from my fictional friend/mentor/guru, suddenly, everything shifted.

Over the past five years, I’ve read every last book by Brené Brown, I’ve consumed spiritual texts, and all the self-help books the library has to offer. Today’s message has been a common thread throughout all these publications, but it took Pearly’s voice for me to fully GET IT. Does this ever happen to you? You read the lesson, and love the lesson, but it takes something ELSE to actually teach you the lesson?

I see it so clearly now: Of course, I’m allowed to care about myself. Of course, I’m allowed to put my needs first. I’m even allowed to protect myself. And when I do, it feels like celebration. We love a genuine celebration. It feels …like home.

Now, my #1 core value is becoming more of who I actually am—not who I think I need to be to make you stay. I’m calling this NEW core value self-acceptance. I’ll write about it as part 2, explaining more, very soon.

I still love you. I still want you to feel safe around me. I was Today-Years-Old when I realized that I deserve to feel that too. Safe. Loved. I don’t need to cultivate it for the both of us. I don’t need to change me, to suit you. That’s what self-acceptance means to me: loving you, but also, choosing me, too.

kindly,

k. alexandra

P.S.

Bonnie Solomon

’s book, Pearly Gates will be published this coming PRIDE Month (June 2025). Hers is the first advanced copy I’ve ever read (I am honored)! Clearly, the Pearly effect was strong, and the book: 10/10. Pre-order now and support independent writing! Your good deed of the day! 🌈

---

If you’re still here:

Thank you so much for reading Dear People Pleasers! I have a perfectly reasonable LOFTY goal of reaching 1,000 FREE subscribers by the end of 2025.

As I type this email, we are a community of 562 subscribers strong.

How you can help:

→ I’d love if you would click the heart at the bottom of this email, share YOUR #1 CORE VALUE in the comments (I promise to reply), and/or forward this letter to a friend who also needs to pivot from pleasing. 🐞

xX THANK YOU! Xx