Ask A People Pleaser: Never Saw This Coming!
EQ Pillar: Social Awareness, Advice Column Vol 2
“We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone…and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one’s life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something.”
-Sandra Day O’Connor
Hi World’s Most Cherished Readers,
Welcome back to our Advice Column! I’m liking the idea of breaking the newsletter up every other week with this. For cadence, here’s what you can expect:
Weekly letters each Tuesday (subscribing is free!)
This Week: Ask A People Pleaser
Next Week: DPP Newsletter
All weeks: Submit your self-care and people-pleasing questions
Repeat 4ever
We got probably one of the most unexpected and exciting questions we will ever see here from a community member for today’s column:
Q: Do you have tips on how to become more of a people-pleaser? I think I can probably extend myself more than I offer. It’s just kind of a defense mechanism so that I don’t get taken advantage of, but it does nothing for helping make connections, which is something I really want to focus on.
Sincerely,
Secret Squirrel
Dear Squeaky,
I LOVE THIS QUESTION!
Having a newsletter about the process of recovering from people-pleasing, I have to say I would have never thought of speaking to the art of saying “YES”. Thank you for providing me with an opportunity to talk about this.
What I love about your question, is that connecting with others actually does require EQ.
What we need to be careful of, is falling into the tendency of extending ourselves BEYOND our capacity- which is where burnout and feelings of resentment are born.
Recovering People-Pleasers Beware: The following tips need to be exercised with caution. Remain SELF-AWARE when connecting with others. Lean on that awareness to understand how these interactions leave you feeling. Dive into vulnerability to share what you can with those you trust. Heather Elkington writes an AMAZING Leadership newsletter that gifted us a Tim Ferris quote to consider:
That being said, today I would like to invite you, Squeaky, and friends, to consider cultivating genuine connection- which means you authentically feel yourself WANTING to foster relationships with others. When these actions are forced, even if you don’t say anything about it- most people can tell you are being fake.
A quote I loathe most the entire universe is: “Fake it Till you Make It”. No. Please. Do not do this. PEOPLE CAN TELL. It feels AWFUL for both you, and everyone around you. It’s draining to continue showing up as something you are not. For Highly Sensitive People (HSP), we are immediately turned OFF by fakers.
Social Awareness (the third pillar of EQ) asks that you “take the perspective of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds and cultures”. This definition comes from The Department of Education.
Dear Secret Squirrel, here’s 6 easy tips for cultivating Social Awareness AKA cultivating new or existing connections. The best part is that you can pick and choose which ones feel right to you, and you can integrate them into your conversations immediately!
Smile Strategically
A well-timed smile can make you seem more approachable, and, let’s face it, a little less likely to be plotting world domination. When in conversations IRL or virtually, eye contact and smiles encourage the speaker to continue sharing with you, which fosters TRUST. If you happen to be hopping on a virtual call, a greeting with a smile and a wave immediately puts the party on the line at ease. You will notice they can put their guard down. Let people know you are in this situation with them, not against them.
Who wouldn’t trust that smile?
Nod Like You Mean It
Practice your nodding skills. Nodding when listening is the non- verbal cue that not only do you hear what the other person is saying, but you understand their message, and agree with them. When people seek to be understood (spoiler alert: that’s all of us, all the time), nodding is the affirmation you can give away for free to help others feel seen.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not nod if you do NOT agree with what you are hearing. This can be taken out of context by the person speaking, and become very confusing should you have to later explain that you did not agree with the situation at hand. Remember: Our goal here is to create authentic connections- don’t fall in to the toxic trait of validating someone else while harming your inner self.
3. Embrace Improve: “Yes, and…”
Non-verbal cues like nodding in our conversations is a great start to building a bond. Now, let’s layer in another step: verbally agree (when you genuinely do). All it takes to validate someone’s concerns/proposals/venting is one word: YES. The power of saying yes is underrated when it comes to connection. If you want to delve even deeper into the conversation, add “AND…(insert your thoughts here)”. When you elevate the conversation by agreeing and adding your ideas, your relationships gain the potential to go anywhere because you first showed you cared.
Gifting
Stick with me. This does not require indispensable income. I also do not endorse “buying” anyone’s approval or attention. The kind of gifts i’m referencing are the kind that can be practically free. Hand written cards in the age of keyboards can mean so much. When you know of an upcoming event such as a birthday, anniversary, project deadline, or accomplishment made: have a little box of cards ready to go. Write your words of affirmation, encouragement, sympathies and congratulations. Leave the card on their pillow, in their mailbox, on their desk or right in their hands. Words matter. People will remember how you supported them. I’ll link some greeting card options at the end of this letter.
If one of your Love Languages is Gift Giving (me too), putting together a little basket of trinkets shows thoughtfulness and is an easy way to say, “I care about you”. On a budget, this can be done at the dollar store. Also, Target typically has baskets in their discount section from $3-$5, and you can stock up to have a couple of goodies on hand. Have fun with this. Add little notes, candies, stickers…
Remember, it’s the thought that counts.
Compliment
There’s a saying that reminds us to, “Throw kindness around like confetti”. You can do this with compliments too. The ONLY rule is: be genuine. Do not give a fake compliment. That’s more hurtful than not saying anything at all. Take a moment to observe, and then compliment what you genuinely appreciate. Beyond material compliments such as outfits or accessories, compliment people on their behavior.
Some Examples:
“I really admire the creativity you brought to that project”“You made my day by texting with this update”
“I appreciate you thinking of me by making coffee this morning…”
Offer Help (but don’t be a doormat)
Here’s how: When you notice someone struggling, offer to assist within your bandwidth. Depending on what is needed, agree to work together to get the job done, or clearly state how long you have to assist so that when you need to pivot to something or someone else, it’s not a shock.
At work this looks like: “Hi, may I offer my assistance with that? I have a solid 30 minutes open in my schedule, and would be happy to help.”
At home this can look like: “I noticed this chore still needs to get done. Let’s work together for the next 10 minutes to wrap it up”
How did I do, Squeaky?
Does these tips feel within range? Please pick and choose which ones seem easiest for you to try out. Let us know if you like anything from this list, and how your connections come along.
Thank you so much for being brave and asking this question- I wish you deeper relationships and genuine conversations cultivated in all facets of your life.
Digital Hugs,
K. Alexandra
P.S. DPP Readers- what did I miss? How do you cultivate connections in a way that is healthy for you? Please share your tips or tricks for Secret Squirrel in the comments.
Thank you so much for reading DPP! Please submit your self-care, or people-pleasing questions to me at: Kaylenalexandraali@gmail.com or click here.
Don’t worry! I didn’t forget about the links:
Greeting Cards:
Gift Bags & Baskets on a Budget:
Happy gifting!
