Ask A People Pleaser: When to Step In Vs When to Sit Back

EQ Pillar: Relationship Management, Advice Column Vol 3

Feb 28, 2024

Dear Luvbugs,

Good news: Our Anon Advice Submission Form is live and working! Our community questions are coming through and I will leave the form LIVE 24/7. Please feel welcome to AMA over there- it’s truly anonymous- even to me!

This week’s question:
Dear K,
How do I go about supporting a recovering people pleaser with observation not judgement? How do we support one another on the journey of recovery and point out our observations with love & concern? Perhaps it’s too slippery of a slope but it’s an important piece of the relationship management pie. Thoughts?
Sincerely,
Compassionate Compadre

Hello dear Compadre,
Thank you for your submission! We love your question and know that wanting to support our recovering pleasers is something many of us wrestle with. Your question permeates beyond boarders, thanks for unifying humanity here.

First up, let’s unpack question one: How do I go about supporting a recovering people pleaser with observation not judgement?

I see three key words in this question; Support, observation, and (non) judgment. Let’s start by defining them.

Support- as a verb: To assist, or help.

As a noun: A thing that bears the weight of something, or keeps it upright.

Observe - a verb: to watch carefully especially with attention to details or behavior for the purpose of arriving at a judgment (!) (per Merriam Webster)

Non judgement- adjective: refraining from making judgments especially ones based on personal opinions or standards. “sympathetic and nonjudgmental”

Compadre,
As we know, Relationship Management boils down to communication. How vulnerable are we willing to be? How deep do we want to go in the pool of connection?
To support one another means we want to assist each other - walk through life hand in hand and carry some of the weight when one of us is lacking muscle. When we observe- we are looking on from our own lens- even if we don’t mean to practice judgment- it’s all we know. It will take our entire lives of unlearning the programming coded within us, to see one we love experience hardship, and not judge.

Dr. Brown teaches us in The Gifts of Imperfection that the richness of our relationships depends on these three things:

Courage
Compassion
Connection

She writes:

“The wholehearted journey is not the path of least resistance. It’s a path of consciousness and choice. And, to be honest, it’s a little counterculture. The willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others, and stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world is not something we can do half-heartedly.”

Dearest Compadre- it takes a committed person to support another through any healing process. People-pleasing recovery is a long and ragged road because it is rooted in self-worth (or lack there of it). We can’t change how others feel about themselves, but we can cheer them on, and be courageously compassionate.
If you can muster the courage to communicate your gentle feedback (remember- we want to ask if we may provide feedback before jumping in), this will help to deepen your relationship by allowing your recovering pleaser pals to understand your care for them. Something that I try to practice with my manager at work is a two part feedback system:

I identify an area of opportunity & I come up with a few solutions to chat through in our meetings. This way, I am not dropping judgement on a current process, but rather identifying a need to make a change and going a step beyond asking for that change by critically thinking about possible solutions we can implement.

Obviously work life and personal life are two different kinds of relationships (and presentations of ourselves), but this practice of observing and identifying behaviors that can be shifted- and then clearly explaining how to leverage tools or resources to implement change- may help.

Stepping forward from a place of compassion, increases the chances of connection…which requires courage. Do we see where Dr. Brown was going with this?

Aside from the vulnerability it takes to share your heart with someone you love, theres also a sense of control we must wrestle with- and learn to conquer. This place stems from the best intentions- only those we truly care for do we wish to change or see change in their lives. And… depending on the situation- interventions can help SAVE lives- so this is an important line to balance upon.
It takes practice to know when it’s the right place, time, and emotional status, to interject- and when it’s an issue that should remain outside of our control.
This is probably the hardest part of my answer, because we people-pleasers often do just WANT TO HELP. We need to learn that it’s not always up to us.
Sometimes, we have to sit back and say a prayer, and then dive into the “why” behind our want to change what “is”. Often times, there will be an iceberg of emotion floating around within ourselves that was only provoked by someone else, unintentionally!

Thank you, thank you, thank you- so much Compassionate Compadre, for stepping forward with such a wise submission for our focus on Relationship Management.
It is people like you who give purpose to our lives and meaning to our relationships.
Please let us know anonymously if this letter gave you snack to chew on, or if you would like to hear more?!

Before we part ways, may I ask you a favor? Do you know anyone who you feel may benefit from this community? Please share this letter with them- it’s FREE! :)

Have a wonderful week, and I look forward to snuggling up in your inbox very soon.

Digital Hugs,
K. Alexandra

P.S. Do you have questions about emotional intelligence? Every other Tuesday, DPP alternates to our advice column, Ask A (Recovering) People Pleaser. What questions do you have about the Relationships in your life, Personal Development, or healing from people-pleasing? Submit to: Anonymous Google Forms or join the community chat below.

THE FIFTH PILLAR

Discussion about this post