The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don’t wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Warmest welcome dear reader,
I’m recording the audio for this letter from my happy place: the longest corner of the couch with a pillow, heating pad, and coziest blanket. I am surrounded by six different books- I may not read them all tonight ,but when I can’t decide which from my personal library to pick, I bring a selection with me for emotional support. I have some corn chips from Trader Joe’s, and a full Hydroflask for sips while I read. I’m playing 432 Hz Deep Healing Miracle Tones on Spotify- this song is called, “Bring Down Heart Rate”. I hope you can hear/feel it.
Last week, I asked our community to be brave and submit self-care or emotional intelligence questions to my email or our group threads. I want to start by apologizing- I realized upon reflection that asking for questions in our Substack App does not allow for anonymity. I will move forward accepting questions to my personal email (will link at bottom of this letter).
Today I am happy to share that brave soul in our self-care community came forward with a question, and our below newsletter will be in the form of a classic question and answer advice column. Not all my newsletters moving forward will be in this format, as we grow together- I will map out a cadence of community Q&A’s, and my regular resource articles.
Let’s dive in:
Q: “I’ve been struggling with burnout and anxiety since the end of last year. I barely have the capacity to look after myself to cover my most basic needs. I feel overwhelmed by the thought of additional “self-care” activities, and not sure where to start. Tips?
Sincerely,
Burnt To A Crisp
Dear Crispy,
Thank you for being Dear People Pleasers FIRST submission for advice. As people-pleasers (some in recovery, and some not), we get it. You came to the right place! Thank you so much for stepping forward, we are here for you.
Burnout and anxiety as a combo often foreshadow overwhelm- and it sounds like that’s where you’re at. You are not alone, we have either been there, or are there with you now. I applaud you for your self-awareness, and for being able to label your feelings. Let’s ask our good friends, Dr. Brene’ Brown and Merriam-Webster for help taking a closer look at these vocabulary words so that we can begin to regulate, and move through them.
Burnout: A psychological syndrome emerging as prolonged response to chronic interpersonal stressors on the job. The three key dimensions of this response are exhaustion, feelings of cynicism, and detachment from the job. *Definition from the National Institutes of Health
Overwhelm: An extreme level of stress, an emotional and/or cognitive intensity to the point of feeling unable to function. Or Merriam-Webster’s definition: “Completely overcome or overpowered by thought or feeling”. Definition source: Atlas of the Heart
Anxiety: An emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure” **Anxiety can be both a state and a trait. For this reason, as I am not a licensed professional- I will encourage you to work with your personal care provider or a therapist to explore healing options should the anxiety you experience be more of a trait. For the purpose of today’s letter, I can suggest resources should you experience it as a state.
Dearest Crispy, we need to get you out of the trenches, and back to ground zero. To do that, let’s lean into the first pillar of EQ: Self-Awareness. I’m not going to dump a reading list in your lap. I also won’t list off a bunch of self-care activities and expect you to implement them into your daily routine to be, “all better”.
Regardless if you work a paying job or not- the demands of your daily life are burning all the oil in your lamp. You cannot pile on additional tasks when you are running on empty. Setting long term goals for “self-care” activities on your calendar will only perpetuate additional disappointment if you miss those dates, and we are not in a place to allow for more triggers right now.
If you are feeling cynical, detached, and exhausted, combined with the tension and worry of anxiety- we need to go back to basics. Let’s work with your nervous system. When you can- instead of jumping on social media or turning on the TV- sit down. Better yet, lay down, close your eyes and breathe. Breathing is underrated. Since we breathe on auto-pilot- it doesn’t occur to us that the power of breath-work can calm our nerves and bring us back to ground zero when we have slipped under the storm of life.
If your schedule is jam-packed (which it probably is) try to set your alarm in the morning for just five minutes earlier - and best part: you don’t need to get out of bed when it goes off! Stay cozy. Keep your eyes closed. Breathe in, and exhale. Listen to the sound of your breath. Notice the air entering and exiting your nostrils. **You do not need to practice meditation - simply, practice breathing. In-and-Out. You can practice this right now. Breathe in, HOLD 1-2-3, exhale, 3-2-1. Repeat that.
If you would like help with your breathing (again- this can be a quick 5 min or less snippet of time in your day), check out the #1 Free App for Sleep, Anxiety, and Stress called Insight Timer. I use this app almost everyday for guided meditation, and sleep sounds to put my son to bed with calming rain, or ocean waves. You will have an option to upgrade to a paid access, but it’s not a requirement.
Once you get into a routine of connecting back to your breathing, then- and only then- we can move to the next step of self-awareness: checking out your thoughts. If you are burnt out, you likely are experiencing pretty negative, and self-destructive thoughts on the regular. This is not to single you out. Most burnt out people-pleasers have been in your shoes. I know I have.
After you have established a few simple moments throughout your day to stop and breathe, then you can layer in your mindfulness practice: While breathing, notice what the voice in your head is saying. Most of the time we don’t even realize that voice. Put little reminders around you- sticky notes, phone screensavers that read: “Thought Check”. When you begin to notice your negative thoughts, you will realize that you have the power to change that talk-track. You can either take yourself back to intentional breathing (so powerful that you will STOP your thoughts for a few seconds), or you can re-frame the harsh chatter in your mind to be more supportive of you. How would you talk to someone else in your place? How would you treat a child feeling this way? That level of compassion you would give anyone else is exactly what you need to be channeling back to yourself. This will restore you from burnout. This will heal feelings of overwhelm.
Thank you Crispy, for being the first here to reach out for connection. As a final suggestion- give or ask for hugs.
Being held is powerful, and has healing capabilities to benefit both our physical and emotional states. Hugs release hormones that boost dopamine (the pleasure hormone), serotonin (the anti-depressant hormone), and oxytocin (the love hormone that lowers blood pressure). This MedicineNet article can explain more about how hugs will reduce our anxiety and increase our heart health. When we feel isolated and burnt out, feeling seen, validated and understood can help revive us. Ask someone in your trusted circle for a hug. **If for some reason you don’t have access to a hug, I have read that placing your hand over your heart and closing your eyes for a moment provides the SAME benefits as giving or receiving a hug from someone else. So this means: no excuses!
When you become an expert at connecting to your breath and your thoughts- you will notice that you may have the bandwidth to start adding in self-care activities that excite you! Please keep in touch with us, and send updates to your breathing practice! I would be happy to suggest more self-care routines should you like some inspiration. We are all rooting for you. I will link a few resources below for breath work and community connection.
Digital Hugs,
K. Alexandra
Thank you for reading DPP! Please submit your self-care, or people-pleasing questions to me at: Kaylenalexandraali@gmail.com or click here.
Promised Links:
Insight Timer- Free App with guided Breathing, Meditations & Soundscapes
Breathwork Thought Leader on Substack to follow: Ashley Neese
This was so wonderful and helpful!!! I love how you define all the ideas you share and leave no stone unturned. Thank you!!!!! Needed to be reminded of these ideas this morning. 🩵